January 14, 2014

Trivia Blog: Not-So-Golden Globes

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I love the Golden Globes, even though I shouldn’t. There’s something about the whole “let’s get shitfaced and either overblow the awards we’re receiving or completely mock them because we’re rich and aren’t the normies who watch this shit ridiculous?” vibe that’s equal parts alluring and insulting. Despite the bacchanalian atmosphere and the general sense that everyone’s going to wind up making poor decisions in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub afterwards, however, it’s still an oddly Puritan affair. Or at least the telecast is. Hence the technical nightmare that resulted when a (really funny) joke by Tina Fey almost broke the Golden Globes when the producers scrambled to cover it up:

Come on, Golden Globes… Because while it’s okay for the telecast to showcase a movie where a man blows coke into a hooker’s nether regions (and then give him an award for it!) or a TV show where a drug dealer murders people with a trunk gun (spoilers!), having a woman use an anatomical term to describe a body part frequented by the aforementioned award-winning coke-blower is just over the line. (Also it was a funny-as-shit joke that deserved the laugh. Marty Scorcese liked it.) But I digress.

What’s sad is that there were even more controversial moments that were completely cut from the Golden Globes broadcast. Luckily, I know a guy in the industry (yes, it’s Marty), and he was able to get me a full screener, so that I could share all the cut-from-the-telecast moments that you all missed:
  • While walking onstage to present the award for Best Sound Editing in a Comedy, Musical, or Biopic About the Recently Deceased, Penelope Cruz tripped over her dress and fell head over spiky heels, one of which shot into the crowd and lodged itself into Dame Judi Dench’s left eye. Producers decided to cut out the whole thing, mainly because it was a stupid category anyways. The eyepatch worn by Dame Judi for the remainder of the telecast went unexplained to the public.
  • A behind-the-scenes shot of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck chatting was hastily cut short when it was revealed that Jacqueline Bisset was still delivering her acceptance speech to a wall in the background.
  • Cameras quickly cut away after a boozed-up Meryl Streep had a stroke while trying to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name.
  • After winning the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama, Matthew McConaughey ripped off a portion of Paula Patton’s dress and rolled up a sweet doob right there on stage.
  • In a display intended to impress Sofia Vergara, Jon Voight and Martin Scorcese stripped to the waist, covered themselves in olive oil from their tables, and competed in a vicious Greco-Roman style wrestling match. Voight lost the tip of his left pinky in the fight, which somehow went on longer than the running time of The Wolf of Wall Street.
  • An awkward moment was cut out when Leonardo DiCaprio leapt onstage to accept an award that was intended for the Showtime series Masters of Sex. DiCaprio apologized, handed the award to the show’s creators, and then had sex with Lizzy Caplan behind the assembled cast.
  • Several camera pans to icy couple Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow went unaired, as it was later revealed that even cameras can’t stand to look at their stupid, stupid faces.
  • In a form of silent protest of the TV segment’s placement at the back of the room, James Spader hung his testicles out of his tuxedo pants while being shown for his nomination for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Inspired, Julianna Margulies did the same thing 10 minutes later.

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