Fun fact: This morning whilst walking to the gym, it was so cold out that the breath from my nose froze the mustache of my beard solid, and I had to use hot water to unfreeze it. Apart from eating soup, this is maybe the most dangerous aspect of being a bearded man.
It’s cold out there. We all know it. By now you’re tired of hearing everyone talk about it. So instead of hunkering down and letting the cold know that you fear it (which is what it wants anyways, the prick), why not instead come out and warm yourself by the glow of your favorite Quizmaster’s spicy-hot trivia questions? It’s not THAT bad out. According to what weather.com is telling me, right now it’s a balmy 12 degrees outside, and can only get warmer as the day goes on. That’s how it works, right?
What I can tell you is that we’re clear of the more dangerous ranges of the temperature scale, when all kinds of weird stuff starts happening:
10 Degrees - You develop an unstoppable urge to post pictures on Facebook that clearly showcase how cold it is. Everyone else secretly hates you for doing so, but then does the same thing 10 minutes later.
5 Degrees - When you throw a pot of boiling water outside, it results in a cloud of steam as the water instantly freezes. Much better than when you normally throw a pot of boiling water, which results in horrific injuries to your roommate and a totally ruined Spaghetti Night.
0 Degrees - You can’t remember whether 0 degrees is where water freezes in Celsius or Fahrenheit. You try to Google it, but then you can’t remember how to spell either Celsius or Fahrenheit. After a minute of quiet inner debate, you skip the whole thing to watch funny cat videos.
-1 Degree - Trying to strike up a conversation with an attractive lady/fella at a bar, you open with, “Man, I can’t believe it’s negative-one degrees outside.” You then realize that you said “negative-one degrees” instead of “negative-one degree,” and curse yourself for coming off like an asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of plurality. You struggle for 5 minutes to come up with something interesting to follow up with before realizing that the lady/fella has just left with someone much more interesting and better-looking than you. You weep into your Appletini.
-5 Degrees - You become convinced that Back to the Future Part III is superior to Back to the Future Part II, which of course is just silly.
-10 Degrees - Feeling empathy for your fellow cold human beings, you donate a coat to the needy.
-11 Degrees - You immediately regret donating a coat to the needy after realizing that you’d stashed the last of your weed in the inner pocket.
-20 Degrees - You wonder how Eskimos can possibly stand to live in such conditions year round, and become sad. Then you remember that you don’t care about Eskimos, and warm up a Hot Pocket.
-25 Degrees - Life becomes meaningless as the cold numbs your fingers to the point where your iPhone won’t register your commands. You are found dead three days later next to a scrawled note in the dust of your apartment floor that reads, “ALL I WANTED WAS TO ORDER FROM SEAMLESS. PLEASE FINISH CANDY CRUSH FOR ME.”