January 14, 2014

Trivia Blog: Not-So-Golden Globes

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I love the Golden Globes, even though I shouldn’t. There’s something about the whole “let’s get shitfaced and either overblow the awards we’re receiving or completely mock them because we’re rich and aren’t the normies who watch this shit ridiculous?” vibe that’s equal parts alluring and insulting. Despite the bacchanalian atmosphere and the general sense that everyone’s going to wind up making poor decisions in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub afterwards, however, it’s still an oddly Puritan affair. Or at least the telecast is. Hence the technical nightmare that resulted when a (really funny) joke by Tina Fey almost broke the Golden Globes when the producers scrambled to cover it up:


Come on, Golden Globes… Because while it’s okay for the telecast to showcase a movie where a man blows coke into a hooker’s nether regions (and then give him an award for it!) or a TV show where a drug dealer murders people with a trunk gun (spoilers!), having a woman use an anatomical term to describe a body part frequented by the aforementioned award-winning coke-blower is just over the line. (Also it was a funny-as-shit joke that deserved the laugh. Marty Scorcese liked it.) But I digress.

What’s sad is that there were even more controversial moments that were completely cut from the Golden Globes broadcast. Luckily, I know a guy in the industry (yes, it’s Marty), and he was able to get me a full screener, so that I could share all the cut-from-the-telecast moments that you all missed:
  • While walking onstage to present the award for Best Sound Editing in a Comedy, Musical, or Biopic About the Recently Deceased, Penelope Cruz tripped over her dress and fell head over spiky heels, one of which shot into the crowd and lodged itself into Dame Judi Dench’s left eye. Producers decided to cut out the whole thing, mainly because it was a stupid category anyways. The eyepatch worn by Dame Judi for the remainder of the telecast went unexplained to the public.
  • A behind-the-scenes shot of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck chatting was hastily cut short when it was revealed that Jacqueline Bisset was still delivering her acceptance speech to a wall in the background.
  • Cameras quickly cut away after a boozed-up Meryl Streep had a stroke while trying to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name.
  • After winning the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama, Matthew McConaughey ripped off a portion of Paula Patton’s dress and rolled up a sweet doob right there on stage.
  • In a display intended to impress Sofia Vergara, Jon Voight and Martin Scorcese stripped to the waist, covered themselves in olive oil from their tables, and competed in a vicious Greco-Roman style wrestling match. Voight lost the tip of his left pinky in the fight, which somehow went on longer than the running time of The Wolf of Wall Street.
  • An awkward moment was cut out when Leonardo DiCaprio leapt onstage to accept an award that was intended for the Showtime series Masters of Sex. DiCaprio apologized, handed the award to the show’s creators, and then had sex with Lizzy Caplan behind the assembled cast.
  • Several camera pans to icy couple Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow went unaired, as it was later revealed that even cameras can’t stand to look at their stupid, stupid faces.
  • In a form of silent protest of the TV segment’s placement at the back of the room, James Spader hung his testicles out of his tuxedo pants while being shown for his nomination for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Inspired, Julianna Margulies did the same thing 10 minutes later.

January 7, 2014

Trivia Blog: Grumpy Cold Men

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Fun fact: This morning whilst walking to the gym, it was so cold out that the breath from my nose froze the mustache of my beard solid, and I had to use hot water to unfreeze it. Apart from eating soup, this is maybe the most dangerous aspect of being a bearded man.

It’s cold out there. We all know it. By now you’re tired of hearing everyone talk about it. So instead of hunkering down and letting the cold know that you fear it (which is what it wants anyways, the prick), why not instead come out and warm yourself by the glow of your favorite Quizmaster’s spicy-hot trivia questions? It’s not THAT bad out. According to what weather.com is telling me, right now it’s a balmy 12 degrees outside, and can only get warmer as the day goes on. That’s how it works, right?

What I can tell you is that we’re clear of the more dangerous ranges of the temperature scale, when all kinds of weird stuff starts happening:

10 Degrees - You develop an unstoppable urge to post pictures on Facebook that clearly showcase how cold it is. Everyone else secretly hates you for doing so, but then does the same thing 10 minutes later.

5 Degrees - When you throw a pot of boiling water outside, it results in a cloud of steam as the water instantly freezes. Much better than when you normally throw a pot of boiling water, which results in horrific injuries to your roommate and a totally ruined Spaghetti Night.

0 Degrees - You can’t remember whether 0 degrees is where water freezes in Celsius or Fahrenheit. You try to Google it, but then you can’t remember how to spell either Celsius or Fahrenheit. After a minute of quiet inner debate, you skip the whole thing to watch funny cat videos.

-1 Degree - Trying to strike up a conversation with an attractive lady/fella at a bar, you open with, “Man, I can’t believe it’s negative-one degrees outside.” You then realize that you said “negative-one degrees” instead of “negative-one degree,” and curse yourself for coming off like an asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of plurality. You struggle for 5 minutes to come up with something interesting to follow up with before realizing that the lady/fella has just left with someone much more interesting and better-looking than you. You weep into your Appletini.

-5 Degrees - You become convinced that Back to the Future Part III is superior to Back to the Future Part II, which of course is just silly.

-10 Degrees - Feeling empathy for your fellow cold human beings, you donate a coat to the needy.

-11 Degrees - You immediately regret donating a coat to the needy after realizing that you’d stashed the last of your weed in the inner pocket.

-20 Degrees - You wonder how Eskimos can possibly stand to live in such conditions year round, and become sad. Then you remember that you don’t care about Eskimos, and warm up a Hot Pocket.

-25 Degrees - Life becomes meaningless as the cold numbs your fingers to the point where your iPhone won’t register your commands. You are found dead three days later next to a scrawled note in the dust of your apartment floor that reads, “ALL I WANTED WAS TO ORDER FROM SEAMLESS. PLEASE FINISH CANDY CRUSH FOR ME.”