Just wait ’til Obama makes Amazon a government agency…
So there’s a lot that we could talk about with all the craziness that happened over the long Thanksgiving break, but I don’t want to give you people any more fuel for what I’m sure will be a whole slew of not-at-all-harsh team names about Paul Walker, the metro train crash, and everything else. So, instead, let’s talk about drones.
By now, everyone’s heard about Amazon’s plan to launch Prime Air sometime in the next few years, which would see must-have items like bulk boxes of condoms and used copies of The Da Vinci Code dropped on your doorstep by a high-tech drone known as an Octocopter; sort of a “mediocre Tom Cruise sci-fi movie meets the stork” situation. In theory, it’s awesome. This is using technology on a Jetsons-like level, replacing what up until now had been a just-fine system of delivery with a way-too-high-tech alternative. As long as it somehow leads science to progress to the point where I finally get my hoverboard that I was promised in Back to the Future II, I’m all for it.
The problem, though, is that this venture is doomed. We still haven’t quite figured out how to perfect vending machine technology in America, but we’re going to have a sophisticated, coordinated system of delivery drones work out A-OK? Screw-ups will abound, and it will turn into a PR nightmare for Amazon. But why wait to see how it all unfolds? Allow me to use my mystical powers of foresight to detail for you all just how the Prime Air program will go the route of Crystal Pepsi and the Virtual Boy:
Day 1 - Prime Air’s first customer is Denver native Richard Storch. He orders a self-help book in hopes of picking himself up following the death of his wife, Cheryl, who’d perished a month prior in an unfortunate washing machine explosion. There is a mixup at the shipping facility, however, and instead of finding his copy of Stop Crying and Start Riding Jet Skis, he accidentally receives a 500-pack of Bounce dryer sheets. The painful memories stirred up by this erroneous package drive him to leap off of the face of a nearby mountain in an attempt to take his own life. On the way down, he crashes into a drone carrying season three of Family Ties on Blu-ray intended for delivery to the home of Susan Lee of Casper, Wyoming. The failed arrival of her package does not drive her to a similar end, although she is super bummed by her inability to find out what happens next to Alex P. Keaton and family.
Day 9 - An Amazon drone flying too low over the Meadowlands strikes an errant ball thrown by embattled New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith, causing what would have been his 6th interception of the game to instead turn into a 72-yard touchdown pass as time expires. The Jets still lose to Miami 56-7, but the touchdown changes the mind of new Jets head coach Mark Sanchez, who was planning on benching Smith for good after just one more interception. The decision leads to the Jets’ fifth losing season in as many years, as Smith resorts to throwing the ball skyward whenever pressured in hopes of striking yet another drone for a ricochet touchdown.
Day 13 - Amazon cancels all Prime Air service in three southern states after losing hundreds of drones to drunken rednecks with guns, as drunken rednecks with guns are wont to do.
Day 26 - An Amazon drone, after dropping off a 10-pack of Hanes Tagless Boxer Briefs at the McMillan home in Chillicothe, Ohio, picks up the McMillan family cat, Buttons, and carries it away. Buttons is never seen again. Internet theorists speculate that the drones now have a taste for blood.
Day 37 - In a misguided attempt at improving its image, Amazon works out a deal with AMC’s The Walking Dead in which a drone wearing a sheriff’s hat replaces Carl.
Day 38 - Embarrassingly for Amazon, fans of The Walking Dead wholeheartedly reject the drone, claiming they’d rather watch that dead-eyed little actor every week instead of the drone.
Day 47 - President Chris Christie is embarrassed to discover that an Amazon drone had lodged itself in his layers of back fat sometime during the day’s events. Amazon’s stock rises upon release of the news.
Day 63 - After a relatively scandal-free period, Amazon is disgusted to learn that one of its drones has been seen canoodling with Miley Cyrus. The drone is retrieved and melted down. Everyone at Amazon agrees to never again speak of the incident.
Day 68 - A drone somehow becomes sentient, kills a man in Arizona, and attempts to withdraw all of his savings at a local bank. The drone is arrested soon after, when bank tellers realize that it’s just a drone wearing a fake mustache.
Day 75 - Convinced that the program is a failure, Amazon shuts down Prime Air.
Day 76 - Amazon advertises Remote Control Air Dro, I Mean, Helicopters, marked down 45%, as their Gold Box Deal of the Day.