Let’s talk about zombies.
More specifically, let’s talk about all the things you don’t know about zombies. You may think that because you’ve seen a few episodes of The Walking Dead or know how to do the “Thriller” dance step-for-step that you know your zombies. Compared to me, however, you might as well be the woman in this clip from Family Feud (the reason for this not-at-all-thrown-together-at-the-last-minute email):
For those of you unable to or too lazy to watch the clip, when asked by fashionable suit-wearer Steve Harvey to name something about zombies, she says simply, “They’re black.”
I don’t even know if that’s racist. I want to think it is, and it feels like it should be, but I think it’s just incredibly stupid. It somehow hopped on a rocket of stupidity and shot right past racist on its way to the magical land of Whatthefuck? But I’m thankful for stupid, sweet, stupid Christie, because it lets me share with you just some of the little-known facts about zombies that I’ve got swimming around in my head. You’re welcome:
- Zombies love the solo music of David Lee Roth.
- But zombies hate Van Halen.
- If you shoot a zombie in the head, it dies, sure, but if you shoot it in the liver, it does the horsey dance from “Gangnam Style.”
- If you’re out of bullets, calling a zombie fat will cause it to shuffle away and cry while writing in its diary.
- Somewhat controversially, zombies prefer Step Up 2: The Streets to the original Step Up.
- Zombies are excellent origami craftsmen.
- Zombies hate cilantro.
- If you pull a piece off of a zombie, bury it, and water it, in a month it will not grow into a zombie tree, because that’s ridiculous.
- Zombies could totally run fast if they wanted to, they’re just not going to. Dick.
- Even zombies think Justin Bieber is giant douche nozzle.
- Zombies are worried that George R.R. Martin’s going to die before he finishes the Game of Thrones books.
- Zombies twerk.