The list of things you can do with the amount of snow that fell on NYC this morning, which, despite the talk of every single person on the subway, in your office, and on Facebook in the tri-state area, was not akin to an actual blizzard:
- Build the world’s smallest snowman. Use a baby carrot and raisins to make its eyes and nose. Decide that it would be funnier to use the carrot and raisins to make tiny snowman genitalia. Laugh heartily and congratulate yourself.
- Jam a single snowflake into the eyeball of every person who reacted as if today being 11/12/13 was something to celebrate, even though I’m just trying to read through my emails in peace, JANIS.
- Pull some sweet moves on a half-pipe built between a halal cart and a passed-out homeless man.
- Make the saddest frozen margarita for one ever.
- Extinguish a tiny, tiny Human Torch.
- Make sledding on those little Central Park hills even more pathetic.
- Four words: Very Short Snowball Fight.
- Make a six-to-one scale model of your penis. Okay, three-to-one. … One-to-one. [hangs head and walks away in shame]