November 19, 2013

Trivia Blog: Zombie Facts of Life

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Let’s talk about zombies.

More specifically, let’s talk about all the things you don’t know about zombies. You may think that because you’ve seen a few episodes of The Walking Dead or know how to do the “Thriller” dance step-for-step that you know your zombies. Compared to me, however, you might as well be the woman in this clip from Family Feud (the reason for this not-at-all-thrown-together-at-the-last-minute email):


For those of you unable to or too lazy to watch the clip, when asked by fashionable suit-wearer Steve Harvey to name something about zombies, she says simply, “They’re black.”

I don’t even know if that’s racist. I want to think it is, and it feels like it should be, but I think it’s just incredibly stupid. It somehow hopped on a rocket of stupidity and shot right past racist on its way to the magical land of Whatthefuck? But I’m thankful for stupid, sweet, stupid Christie, because it lets me share with you just some of the little-known facts about zombies that I’ve got swimming around in my head. You’re welcome:

  • Zombies love the solo music of David Lee Roth.
  • But zombies hate Van Halen.
  • If you shoot a zombie in the head, it dies, sure, but if you shoot it in the liver, it does the horsey dance from “Gangnam Style.”
  • If you’re out of bullets, calling a zombie fat will cause it to shuffle away and cry while writing in its diary.
  • Somewhat controversially, zombies prefer Step Up 2: The Streets to the original Step Up.
  • Zombies are excellent origami craftsmen.
  • Zombies hate cilantro.
  • If you pull a piece off of a zombie, bury it, and water it, in a month it will not grow into a zombie tree, because that’s ridiculous.
  • Zombies could totally run fast if they wanted to, they’re just not going to. Dick.
  • Even zombies think Justin Bieber is giant douche nozzle.
  • Zombies are worried that George R.R. Martin’s going to die before he finishes the Game of Thrones books.
  • Zombies twerk.

November 12, 2013

Trivia Blog: Snow Problem

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

The list of things you can do with the amount of snow that fell on NYC this morning, which, despite the talk of every single person on the subway, in your office, and on Facebook in the tri-state area, was not akin to an actual blizzard:

  • Build the world’s smallest snowman. Use a baby carrot and raisins to make its eyes and nose. Decide that it would be funnier to use the carrot and raisins to make tiny snowman genitalia. Laugh heartily and congratulate yourself.
  • Jam a single snowflake into the eyeball of every person who reacted as if today being 11/12/13 was something to celebrate, even though I’m just trying to read through my emails in peace, JANIS.
  • Pull some sweet moves on a half-pipe built between a halal cart and a passed-out homeless man.
  • Make the saddest frozen margarita for one ever.
  • Extinguish a tiny, tiny Human Torch.
  • Make sledding on those little Central Park hills even more pathetic.
  • Four words: Very Short Snowball Fight.
  • Make a six-to-one scale model of your penis. Okay, three-to-one. … One-to-one. [hangs head and walks away in shame]