I’m back! I hope you all had fun at Trivia Night with special guest host Quizmaster Pete last week while I was spending the longest 29 hours of my life taking part in the Million Second Quiz… all for around an hour and a half spent in a Money Chair to earn around $38,000 of fake money that I didn’t get to keep because I’m not a top-four finisher, then getting knocked out on a bullshit tiebreaker question by a guy who then went on a 5-hour run of winning. Not bitter, though. [shoves another pin into tiny, tiny Ryan Seacrest voodoo doll]
It was fun, I ate a ton of free Subway, and I have a good story for the rest of my life, but I’m just damned happy to be back hosting for you fine folks tonight. Before we get to the categories and news, though, lets’ talk about this:
That’s a headline from the front page of today’s Huffington Post. Let’s set aside A) that this is somehow news alongside a story about falling U.S. incomes, B) that it gets higher billing than the revelation that R. Kelly is a “sex genius,” and C) whether or not I clicked on it to find out if she meant weed bong or beer bong (I did, and it’s unconfirmed, but I suspect it’s the former).
I’m more amazed that this could even be seen as a story, because of course Madonna has a penis bong. I’d be more upset if I learned that she didn’t have at least 13 penis-shaped utensils in her house. If she plunges her toilet, it better be with a penis plunger. If she uses a dust buster to clean those hard-to-reach crumbs from between her couch cushions (not a euphemism), it better be with a special cock-shaped model. If she slides from one story in her house to another like Batman’s Batpole, that thing better be veiny and flesh-colored.
Here’s the list of less shocking headlines than “Madonna Owns a Penis Bong”:
- Chris Christie Has a Large Pantry
- Jon Hamm Is a Rather Handsome Fellow
- Kim Kardashian Does Nothing, Makes $1 Million
- New York Jets Lose
That’s all. Step up your game, HuffPo. I want to know more about this “sex genius” business.