So we watched the Emmys last night (and hopefully you did too, with this week’s second category!). We didn’t watch-watch them, exactly, but blew through them in a blaze of DVR-ed glory after first taking the time to watch some other TV goodness. That, by the way, is the only way to watch these awards shows. I can’t tell you how great it felt to speed right on by the reality show section, the boring miniseries stuff, and whatever the hell that interpretive dance thing was all about.
I’m not really sure why I’m a perpetual awards show viewer; I get sucked in year after year, despite the politics and the brokenness of the systems around which they operate. The fact that Emmy voters make their acting choices based on only one episode is ridiculous; how can you capture the full range of just how terrible of an actress January Jones is if you only get to sample one slice of her Mad Men shit pie? (A pie that she probably ate the rest of herself, if last season was any indication…) I guess it just goes along nicely with the all-encompassing nature of geek culture. Plus, anything hosted by NPH, I’m in. He could host my audit and I’d still be applauding his song-and-dance number while the IRS took away all of my money.
Plus, I got to learn a few things from last night’s broadcast:
- Jon Hamm will probably never win an Emmy for his portrayal of Don Draper, and that’s an absolute fucking shame. If only for his ability to grow that magnificent lumberjack beard, he should have awards thrown at him annually. That beard is like the facial hair equivalent of Michael Jordan dunking a lob pass from Batman as Stephen Hawking plays Slash’s guitar solo from “November Rain” while being fellated by the genetic offspring of Mila Kunis and Kate Upton. It’s a fine beard, is what I’m saying. Get it together, Emmys.
- If his winning speech was any indication, I’m pretty sure Michael Douglas and Matt Damon actually fell in love and made sweet, sweet love while filming Behind the Candelabra. I’m predicting that 2014 is the year where Douglas finalizes his divorce from Catherine Zeta-Jones and he and Damon go all in (pun completely intended). Their celebrity couple name will be Mattchael Dougmon, and their love affair will be glorious.
- All winning speeches should be exactly like Merritt Wever’s.
- Modern Family keeps winning the Best Comedy Series Emmy over shows like Louie and The Big Bang Theory because… reasons.
- While it’s nice to honor the dead, holy shit that whole telecast was a bummer. I did not need to sit and weep at the renewed memory of losing James Gandolfini, Emmys. You’re like the guy whose favorite part of Marley and Me is when the dog dies. (Spoilers.) Plus, in all of the death-related stuff, you forgot some key deaths from the world of TV this past year (sub-bullets!):
- Dexter‘s chances of being even remotely close to the good show it once was with that piss-poor final season.
- The peak of my once-virile sex drive after an entire episode of gratuitously naked and sex-having Lena Dunham in that one Girls where all that happened was her banging Patrick Wilson and playing topless ping pong.
- ESPN’s last shreds of journalistic integrity. Why would I want to see highlights of every game that happened on SportsCenter when instead I can watch a hot dog-eating contest between Mark Schlereth and Linda Cohn, or a 5-part series on Lebron James’ career (and NONE of them about how he’s a giant dicknose).
- The last of my really great, “Yeah, now imagine what it was like to read that 13 years ago,” smarmy retorts to people who watch Game of Thrones but never read the books after that brutal Red Wedding episode.
- (The Walking Dead spoilers coming up for this last one; be warned.)
- (Seriously, don’t complain to me tonight about having something spoiled.)
- (And don’t do it anyways just to be a dick.)
- Lori and Andrea on The Walking Dead. No joke for this one, I’m just still glad that both happened.