Still holding out hope for that 98 Degrees reunion…
So it’s being reported today that this weekend’s MTV Video Music Awards just might feature a very special reunion of everyone’s favorite boy band/launch vehicle for its one truly talented member: NSync. (Note: I know that the band name is actually *NSYNC, or something stupid like that, but I refuse to type that whole thing out throughout this whole email, so I’m going with NSync instead. Asterisks belong as footnotes, as one way to make up the letters of a censored swear word, or to indicate that Barry Bonds and A-Rod are cheating assholes; they don’t belong in band titles. No one would’ve taken The Beatles seriously if they’d been named *BEETLEZ.)
I have to admit, I never imagined that this would happen. I figured that Justin Timberlake takes time every single day to thank God or Allah or Carson Daly or whomever that he actually escaped the boy band sinkhole to become basically the biggest pop star on the planet, and has never had to appear on a TV show where the word “Celebrity” appears mockingly in the title. This is a guy who’s spending the summer touring stadiums with fucking JAY Z, for Christ’s sake. He’s gonna get back together with the backup crew to sing some of their old hits? Really? I guess it goes to show, when you get enough money love and respect for your friends, you’ll do just about anything.
What I wonder, though, is how the other four actually convinced him to do this. There had to be some sort of reverse-intervention pleading going on before this announcement. Here’s what I figure each of them had to say to convince Timberlake to agree to the reunion:
JC Chasez - It used to be JC and JT, man, remember?! I was a motherfuckin’ sex symbol! Me! Not you! You were just the one with the hair that looked like bleached ramen noodles! I was the one with the soulful eyes and the voice that melted all the ladies’ hearts! Now look at me. I tried to do the whole solo thing, too. Remember that? The song I did for that movie where Nick Cannon plays drums in college? I sucked! Now, I have to pay girls to follow me and scream my name on the street so I look important. The other day, one screwed up and kept yelling, “Hugo Chavez! Hugo Chavez!” Do you have any idea how much it blows being called the same name as an enemy of America? Who’s dead? You owe me this, dude. And “Take Back the Night” sucks!
Joey Fatone - Justin, you gotta help me. I might die if we don’t do a reunion. I keep. getting. fatter. My hair can only get so much taller to compensate, but the family curse is upon me, and it doth hold sway! Do you think it’s a coincidence that my last name is “Fat One”? Because it’s not! Being in the band and doing all those aerobically challenging dance routines was the only thing keeping me slim. And unless Dancing with the Stars becomes a year-round thing for me, I don’t think I have much hope. Come on, JT, my cholesterol’s through the roof!
Lance Bass - Look, man, I’ll be honest: I don’t really need this. I mean, I almost went to space. Remember, when I almost went to space? Have you almost been to space? Because I’ve almost been to space. I’m in what’s known as an elite circle of people. You terrestrials wouldn’t really get it. Plus, remember how big it was when I came out? I was on the cover of People magazine! I was a media sensation! Between that and the almost-space thing, I’m sure I’ve got a big payday coming. It’s only a matter of time before NASA starts talking about almost taking me on a mission to Mars. But, you know, these other guys could use another chance out there in the spotlight. Did I mention that I’ve almost been to space? Wait, where are you going…?
The Other One - Dude, I need this. Last week I sold the last of my hair dye to pay for meth. Please.