Where there ain’t will power, there’s a crude sphere made of welded steel…
Quitting a vice is hard. Anyone who’s ever forced themselves to stop biting their nails or chewing with their mouth open or sniffing the women’s shoes at Kohl’s (we all do that, right?) will tell you: Sometimes you have to go to extra lengths to make yourself more acceptable in the eyes of polite society.
Such is the case with Turkish mad scientist visionary Ibrahim Yucel, who constructed a nightmarish cage that he wears on his head every day in an attempt to quit smoking. A man so deeply in love with his faith and his family that oaths to his wife, his father who died of lung cancer, and his god weren’t enough for him to kick the habit, Ibrahim has resorted to the next logical step: Jesus strapping himself into something from a bad Nic Cage movie that’s usually filled with bees.
The story, as expected, prompts a few thoughts:
- I don’t know why he decided that making himself look like someone being tortured in a Hellraiser movie was the best way to go. Unless he’s run out of options at this point. He’s wearing a cast, for some reason, in the photos, so maybe there was an earlier plan that involved slamming a hammer into his fingers whenever he smoked a cigarette. I did that when I tried to quit drinking, but all it did was make it harder to hold my scotch.
- According to the story, his father dying of lung cancer was the catalyst for his quitting, as Ibrahim probably wants to avoid lung cancer himself. But the story also says that Ibrahim has smoked two packs a day for more than 20 years. Somehow, I don’t think he’s avoiding lung cancer no matter what he does now. At least you’ll die entertaining your kids as the SCARIEST CLOWN EVER.
- The YouTube video that the HuffPo story links to is phenomenal. As part of his oath, he picks up a copy of the Qur’an, swears on it, and then clumsily attempts to kiss and touch the massive book to his forehead, made impossible due to the giant tea infuser that’s on his dome. It’s like watching the Jack in the Box guy trying to kiss a Harry Potter book.
- If they carry Virginia Slims in Turkey, there’s no way he’s keeping his oath. If you can fit a straw into your face cage to drink water through like a gerbil, you can fit a Virginia Slim in there. You’ve come a long way, Ibrahim.
- The highlight of the YouTube video is easily the part where he demonstrates how he eats while trapped in his low-rent sports mascot head by smashing a cracker into the bars and poking the pieces in with a stick. Ibrahim, I applaud your efforts at being a non-smoker, but there are better ways to feed yourself, brother. How much easier would it be to just dribble yogurt or oatmeal in there, or blend all your food together and spackle it against your (literal) grill like you’re hanging drywall?
- Not a chance he gets laid wearing that thing. That poor woman would have nightmares forever.