July 30, 2013

Trivia Blog: All Things Dayquil

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Thoughts that have passed through my increasingly cold medicine-addled mind today as I rest up and try to get my sick body in trivia hosting-shape for you all tonight:

  • I can’t fathom any situation that I could find myself in where I’d want to sleep with any of the hosts of The View.
  • Unless Joy Behar’s got some really good weed.
  • I think my cat wants to eat me.
  • If the various medicines, salves and pills marketed to them during daytime TV are any indication, old people are living a horrible existence. They’re just a sad collection of bad backs, non-working nether regions, arthritis, partial blindness and whatever the hell Raptiva treats (hopefully it keeps raptors away, because those things are dangerous). But hey, cheaper movie tickets.
  • What does the “quil” part of “Nyquil/Dayquil” stand for? It seems like it wants to be a medicinal portmanteau, and I get the night/day thing they’re going for with the first part, but is the “quil” part supposed to be “tranquil”? “Quill pen”? “Tequila”? I bet it’s “tequila.”
  • I should really feed the cat.
  • Why would anybody choose to drink cough syrup to get high? This shit tastes terrible. Lil Wayne, you clearly have lil judgement.
  • Wendy Williams looks like Arsenio Hall during that scene in Coming to America where he plays a woman who hits on Eddie Murphy.
  • And yet I’d still choose her over the ladies from The View.
  • I have no time for Rachael Ray and her ridiculously misspelled name. You and Dwyane Wade aren’t fooling anybody.
  • I need a nap. Why is the cat coming at me holding a knife and fork…?

July 23, 2013

Trivia Blog: Royal Baby Bugging Bothers

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Not since Chinese Democracy has there been something with so much buildup and so little payoff…

As I’m super busy and dealing with all kinds of shit today, this will be a much shorter email than usual, dear Gael Pub triviagoers. But along with today’s categories, drink specials, and the usual, I wanted to leave you with this one thought:

The hoopla surrounding the birth of the Royal Baby is insane. Something that is announced by someone dressed like this…



…cannot possibly be worth my time.


He looks like he’s about to go to war with Cap’n Crunch.

July 16, 2013

Trivia Blog: What's Wendy Hiding?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Somehow this wasn’t a plot point in The Da Vinci Code

So I read a story today about how Wendy’s had to debunk a theory that they had included a hidden message in their newest logo. This is that logo, released last year:


Crack conspiracy theorists (or perhaps conspiracy theorists on crack) claimed that Wendy’s had nefariously buried the word “Mom” within the logo. As further proof, they cited the all-red version of that logo used on Wendy’s cups, where the ruse appears in clear detail as a mockery to those who would wish to enjoy a soda without maybe-sorta seeing the name of a family member:


As far as hidden messages go, it’s not exactly playing a Beatles song backwards to hear “Paul is dead.” This isn’t even on the level of that wang the Disney animators hid on the castle on the cover of The Little Mermaid. And if they did include “Mom” as a hidden message, what would be the point? As a subliminal message to guilt you into calling your mother? I’d be more worried about the hidden horse meat in my bacon cheeseburger.

The sad part about all of this is how these conspiracy theorists focused on this fake Wendy’s message but missed the messages hidden in lots of other restaurant logos. Had they delved a little deeper, they would’ve uncovered all sorts of secrets:

  • If you squint just enough, you’ll see the phrase “The C stands for chipmunk” on the KFC logo.
  • If you look up at the Big Boy logo, you’ll find out that he’s really a woman.
  • If you place them under a blacklight, you’ll see the phrase “No Puerto Ricans, either” on all of Paula Deen’s restaurant’s logos.
  • If you stare into his creepy serial-killer eyes long enough, the King from Burger King will show you exactly how you’re going to die.
  • If you spill just the right amount of soy sauce on it, you can see a man having sex with a panda bear on the Panda Express logo.
  • If you turn it upside down, you’ll see the phrase “The real Jared is actually Honey Boo Boo’s mom in drag” on the Subway logo.
  • If you hold it up to a solar eclipse, the Taco Bell logo reveals a map leading to the hidden location of Montezuma’s Gold. But adventurers may only enter the temple if they can defeat the Chupacabra and then answer the wise wizard’s riddle: “¿Dónde está la biblioteca?”
  • Surprisingly, if you lean your head to the right just a little, you can see two gay men enjoying a nice trip out to Pottery Barn on the Chik-fil-A logo.

July 9, 2013

Trivia Blog: Nicotine Cage in "Face Off"

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Where there ain’t will power, there’s a crude sphere made of welded steel…

Quitting a vice is hard. Anyone who’s ever forced themselves to stop biting their nails or chewing with their mouth open or sniffing the women’s shoes at Kohl’s (we all do that, right?) will tell you: Sometimes you have to go to extra lengths to make yourself more acceptable in the eyes of polite society.

Such is the case with Turkish mad scientist visionary Ibrahim Yucel, who constructed a nightmarish cage that he wears on his head every day in an attempt to quit smoking. A man so deeply in love with his faith and his family that oaths to his wife, his father who died of lung cancer, and his god weren’t enough for him to kick the habit, Ibrahim has resorted to the next logical step: Jesus strapping himself into something from a bad Nic Cage movie that’s usually filled with bees.

The story, as expected, prompts a few thoughts:

  • I don’t know why he decided that making himself look like someone being tortured in a Hellraiser movie was the best way to go. Unless he’s run out of options at this point. He’s wearing a cast, for some reason, in the photos, so maybe there was an earlier plan that involved slamming a hammer into his fingers whenever he smoked a cigarette. I did that when I tried to quit drinking, but all it did was make it harder to hold my scotch.
  • According to the story, his father dying of lung cancer was the catalyst for his quitting, as Ibrahim probably wants to avoid lung cancer himself. But the story also says that Ibrahim has smoked two packs a day for more than 20 years. Somehow, I don’t think he’s avoiding lung cancer no matter what he does now. At least you’ll die entertaining your kids as the SCARIEST CLOWN EVER.
  • The YouTube video that the HuffPo story links to is phenomenal. As part of his oath, he picks up a copy of the Qur’an, swears on it, and then clumsily attempts to kiss and touch the massive book to his forehead, made impossible due to the giant tea infuser that’s on his dome. It’s like watching the Jack in the Box guy trying to kiss a Harry Potter book.
  • If they carry Virginia Slims in Turkey, there’s no way he’s keeping his oath. If you can fit a straw into your face cage to drink water through like a gerbil, you can fit a Virginia Slim in there. You’ve come a long way, Ibrahim.
  • The highlight of the YouTube video is easily the part where he demonstrates how he eats while trapped in his low-rent sports mascot head by smashing a cracker into the bars and poking the pieces in with a stick. Ibrahim, I applaud your efforts at being a non-smoker, but there are better ways to feed yourself, brother. How much easier would it be to just dribble yogurt or oatmeal in there, or blend all your food together and spackle it against your (literal) grill like you’re hanging drywall?
  • Not a chance he gets laid wearing that thing. That poor woman would have nightmares forever.