They’re there! They’re Turkish! … This doesn’t rhyme as well as the other chant…
So I’m kind of fascinated by this whole massive protest thing going on in Turkey. I love the fact that it basically started because people didn’t want a park to be turned into a shopping mall, and then it just turned into a full release about everything everybody hated about the Prime Minister. Kind of like how a minor spat with a girlfriend about what kind of pizza to order suddenly blows up into how much you always hated her mother and how she can see your mind wandering when you make sweet, sweet love to her.
These giant protests that happen in other countries always get me thinking, What would it take for something like that to happen in America? Sure, we had the Occupy protests that were pretty big for a while, and there’s always a nice big group of people pissed off at the President for something, but it never really gets to the level of crazy pepper spray hoses or military vehicles running down citizens. We’re not that action-oriented, I guess. The way I see it, things would only reach full-scale Arab Spring level in America in one of the following scenarios:
- Just hours after releasing the iPhone 6, Apple announces that the iPhone 6s will come out the following day. Features include an app that prophesies what future iPhone features will be, a corkscrew, and an option to have Siri’s voice sound like Benedict Cumberbatch’s. Throngs of furious Apple acolytes flock to stylish Apple retail stores across the country. Employees barricade themselves inside, but quickly surrender when they realize that they’re essentially standing in see-through glass prisons surrounded by angry, rock-holding techies.
- The New York Yankees re-sign Alex Rodriguez to an 8-year, $195 million contract. “We think his best stuff might be ahead of him,” says Yankees GM Brian Cashman in a press release. NASA claims that the mass of angry Italians forming across Long Island can be seen from space.
- KFC, blaming cost issues, removes the popular Double Down and Famous Bowl food items from their menus. Sweaty protests explode all over the country, but are soon ended after 10 minutes of chanting tires out the crowd, who shuffle over to the Chipotle across the street instead.
- After only a day of having new episodes available on Instant Watch, Netflix removes all new episodes of Arrested Development from its streaming service. Protests erupt as if George W. Bush had just re-entered American into a war in Iraq. Netflix does not reveal why it removed the episodes, but does, as an alternative, recommend such hit movies as What to Expect When You’re Expecting and The Raven. Amazon swoops in to quell the protests by saying that Arrested Development‘s new episodes can now be found on its Amazon Instant Video service, but that accomplishes nothing, because no one uses that shit.
- Lena Dunham reveals that she will be starring in the Girls porn parody. Millions of libidos extract themselves from human bodies to protest in front of Dunham’s home.
- Upon learning that the final Coldstone Creamery in New Jersey has closed, Chris Christie lapses into a fit of rage the likes of which had not seen since Hurricane Sandy slammed into the Jersey Shore. While the lack of other people prevent it from being labeled an actual “protest,” the damage caused is the costliest in the state’s history, and sends New Jersey into a Greece-like economic tailspin. The rampaging Christie is only stopped when the Avengers send in the Incredible Hulk.