This is the worst leak since Chris Leak…
By now everyone’s heard all about the crazy NSA information tapping leak story, and perhaps have wondered how long it’ll take for the source of the leak to be found dead after a tragic “accident” at the bottom of a very high cliff. This whole thing is mind-blowing, and makes me wonder just how many pictures of me in suggestive poses have been mined for some sick security agent’s pleasure.
What hasn’t yet been released to the public, however, is the staggeringly high number of other hidden facts that the leak has released. Thanks to my network of connections, also known as my ability to write bullshit in list form, I’ve been able to gather some of the juiciest secrets the government has so far been hiding from you:
- George Washington was a HUGE meth head.
- The last episode of Lost shot Tony in the last episode of The Sopranos. How? Figure it out, man…
- The secret ingredient in Bush’s Baked Beans is love. And ketchup.
- Most of the secret nuke codes are just codes from old video games. To access the nukes on all of our subs, you just enter the code that gave you all those extra lives in Contra. (The Konami Code. I know, nerds, I know.)
- Lady Gaga is actually the kid from Never Ending Story in disguise.
- Jimmy Hoffa is not, in fact buried under MetLife Stadium. He’s actually interned in a nice cemetery outside of Rochester Hills, Michigan. The only thing buried under MetLife Stadium are the hundreds of corpses of pass attempts murdered by Mark Sanchez.
- The Civil War was started because Jefferson Davis overhead Abraham Lincoln calling him a douchebag.
- JFK was not shot in the head in the back of his convertible in Dallas. He just had a VERY aggressive brain tumor.
- The mysterious glowing thing in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction was a Newt Gingrich-Bob Dole sex tape.
- That sex tape is epic.
- If you listen to The Beatles’ “Let It Be” record backwards, you’ll just be an asshole listening to gibberish.