June 25, 2013

Trivia Blog: Appauling Deen

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

These people need to learn about tolerance, y’all.

So this whole story about Paula Deen not having her contract renewed by the Food Network because she used the N word is amazing. Not because of Paula’s part in it. A Southern lady using a racial slur registers as news about as much as me getting sunburned on a hot day.

No, what’s fascinating to me has been the massive outcry by Paula’s fans who rushed to her defense because, I don’t know, racism? It’s amazing that in this day and age, people will still try to defend something so ignorant. The comments in that article I linked to above alone are worthy of an anthropological study. A small sampling:

“Ruining a woman’s life and business (along with that of her sons) for something she said years ago, for use of a word that is common place with rap stars and comedians, and between members of the younger generations, is unconscionable.”

“Our children are being brain washed from K – College to become mindless, liberal robots that regergitate leftist slogans like North Koreans at a Kim Suk Ralley. This type of suppression of free speech should be stopped, but there are those that want to instill ‘fear’ in anyone that might go off the liberal reservation.”

“White people are referred to constantly with derogatory names and no one cares. Enough with the double standard.”

“I know why. Because she’s white, female, and successful, which scares the bejeevers out of the liberal left!! I’m exhausted by this blatant double standard take down of an honest, lovely lady.”

Wow. Just… wow.

What people don’t know, though, is that Paula doesn’t need defending. In fact, she’s doubling down on her comments and her fans’ support and has plans to open a racist-themed restaurant, and will probably make billions off of it. I reached out to my sources, and was able to dig up some dirt on this new racist restaurant. Here are just some of the items you can expect to find on the menu:

  • I Don’t Like the Look of That Black Guy-ed Peas
  • Lasagn-Ya Sure Are Hairy, Ain’t Ya?
  • Something French That Smells Bad. Shocking.
  • Good, Hardworking, God-Fearing Burger and Fries
  • Crippled By Alcoholism Irish Soda Bread
  • Bangers and Mash? How ‘Bout Brushes and Floss for Them Crooked Teeth, Guv’nah?
  • Spatzel? What’s So Spatzel About Egg Noodles, You Krauts?
  • Wholesome, Tax-Paying Apple Pie
  • Some Mexican Dish That’s Probably Got Lots of Beans and Rice in It
  • General “Tso Which of Them Asian Countries You From?” Chicken

June 18, 2013

Trivia Blog: The League's Leading Russian

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A short play…

St. Petersburg, Russia, 2005. Russian President Vladimir Putin stands in his office, admiring the Super Bowl ring “given” to him by New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. An aide enters the room.

Putin:  Hey, Boris, check out my sweet new ring!
Aide:  Ah… Em… Mr. President, I’m not entirely sure that belong to you.
Putin:  What you saying? You trying to tell me this isn’t my ring? (Reaches toward giant red button on his desk.) Because you know what I do to people who call me a liar…
Aide:  No, no, Mr. President! Is your ring! Is your ring!
Putin:  (Takes hand away from button.) Yeah, it’s my ring.
Aide:  It’s just…
Putin:  (Annoyed) What??
Aide:  Mr. Kraft, he’s still here. He say he’s waiting for his ring back.
Putin:  He what? Did you tell him it’s my ring now?
Aide:  Yes.
Putin:  And what he say?
Aide:  He say must be some mistake. That he only give it to you to hold onto for pictures.
Putin:  But is so shiny…
Aide:  I know, Mr. President, I know. Shall I send him in?
Putin:  Yeah, yeah. Should I take off shirt?
Aide:  … Why?
Putin:  I dunno. Be more imposing.
Aide:  No, no, leave shirt on. You plenty imposing as is. (Opens door.) Mr. Kraft?
(Robert Kraft enters the room.)
Kraft:  Hello, Mr. President. Sorry to bother you, but we’re getting ready to leave, and I just wanted to get my ring back from you.
Putin:  What ring?
Kraft:  Uh… My Super Bowl ring?
Putin:  Super… Bowl?
Kraft:  Yeah, you know. The giant diamond-encrusted ring I gave you as a joke to wear for our photos?
Putin:  I no remember ring. (To aide) You remember ring? (Reaches for giant red button.)
Aide:  Nope! No ring!
(Putin smiles, removes hand from button.)
Kraft:  Now, Mr. President, don’t be silly. You know I gave you that ring to hold. And I know it’s a great ring.
Putin:  (Softly, to himself) Is so shiny…
Kraft:  But I have to get it back, our plane leaves in an hour.
(Putin stares icily at Kraft. After a moment, he picks up a phone on his desk. He speaks Russian into the phone for a minute and hangs up.)
Kraft:  What was that all about…?
(Putin smiles thinly as he continues to stare at Kraft. The door opens and Kraft’s assistant pops his head in.)
Assistant:  Mr. Kraft, we’ve got to go! I just received a call, Tom Brady’s knee just blew up!
Kraft:  What??!!
Assistant:  Yeah, LITERALLY blew up!
Kraft:  But what… how…?
(Suddenly he looks at Putin, who continues to smile thinly. Kraft can see his own fear reflected in Putin’s black, shark-like eyes. He slumps.)
Kraft:  Goodbye, Mr. President. Thank you for your hospitality. And… enjoy your ring.
(Kraft exits dejectedly.)
Putin:  Call George Steinbrenner. Is time he visit the Kremlin.


The End.

June 11, 2013

Trivia Blog: Leak Who's Talking

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


This is the worst leak since Chris Leak…

By now everyone’s heard all about the crazy NSA information tapping leak story, and perhaps have wondered how long it’ll take for the source of the leak to be found dead after a tragic “accident” at the bottom of a very high cliff. This whole thing is mind-blowing, and makes me wonder just how many pictures of me in suggestive poses have been mined for some sick security agent’s pleasure.

What hasn’t yet been released to the public, however, is the staggeringly high number of other hidden facts that the leak has released. Thanks to my network of connections, also known as my ability to write bullshit in list form, I’ve been able to gather some of the juiciest secrets the government has so far been hiding from you:

  • George Washington was a HUGE meth head.
  • The last episode of Lost shot Tony in the last episode of The Sopranos. How? Figure it out, man…
  • The secret ingredient in Bush’s Baked Beans is love. And ketchup.
  • Most of the secret nuke codes are just codes from old video games. To access the nukes on all of our subs, you just enter the code that gave you all those extra lives in Contra. (The Konami Code. I know, nerds, I know.)
  • Lady Gaga is actually the kid from Never Ending Story in disguise.
  • Jimmy Hoffa is not, in fact buried under MetLife Stadium. He’s actually interned in a nice cemetery outside of Rochester Hills, Michigan. The only thing buried under MetLife Stadium are the hundreds of corpses of pass attempts murdered by Mark Sanchez.
  • The Civil War was started because Jefferson Davis overhead Abraham Lincoln calling him a douchebag.
  • JFK was not shot in the head in the back of his convertible in Dallas. He just had a VERY aggressive brain tumor.
  • The mysterious glowing thing in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction was a Newt Gingrich-Bob Dole sex tape.
  • That sex tape is epic.
  • If you listen to The Beatles’ “Let It Be” record backwards, you’ll just be an asshole listening to gibberish.

June 6, 2013

Perception vs. Reality: Cobwebs

Things don't always work out the way you'd like to think they would. In this new series, we look at how perception differs from reality.


How I Wish I Reacted When I Walk into a Cobweb











How I Actually React When I Walk into a Cobweb






June 4, 2013

Trivia Blog: Pro-Test Our Patience

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

They’re there! They’re Turkish! … This doesn’t rhyme as well as the other chant…

So I’m kind of fascinated by this whole massive protest thing going on in Turkey. I love the fact that it basically started because people didn’t want a park to be turned into a shopping mall, and then it just turned into a full release about everything everybody hated about the Prime Minister. Kind of like how a minor spat with a girlfriend about what kind of pizza to order suddenly blows up into how much you always hated her mother and how she can see your mind wandering when you make sweet, sweet love to her.

These giant protests that happen in other countries always get me thinking, What would it take for something like that to happen in America? Sure, we had the Occupy protests that were pretty big for a while, and there’s always a nice big group of people pissed off at the President for something, but it never really gets to the level of crazy pepper spray hoses or military vehicles running down citizens. We’re not that action-oriented, I guess. The way I see it, things would only reach full-scale Arab Spring level in America in one of the following scenarios:

  • Just hours after releasing the iPhone 6, Apple announces that the iPhone 6s will come out the following day. Features include an app that prophesies what future iPhone features will be, a corkscrew, and an option to have Siri’s voice sound like Benedict Cumberbatch’s. Throngs of furious Apple acolytes flock to stylish Apple retail stores across the country. Employees barricade themselves inside, but quickly surrender when they realize that they’re essentially standing in see-through glass prisons surrounded by angry, rock-holding techies.
  • The New York Yankees re-sign Alex Rodriguez to an 8-year, $195 million contract. “We think his best stuff might be ahead of him,” says Yankees GM Brian Cashman in a press release. NASA claims that the mass of angry Italians forming across Long Island can be seen from space.
  • KFC, blaming cost issues, removes the popular Double Down and Famous Bowl food items from their menus. Sweaty protests explode all over the country, but are soon ended after 10 minutes of chanting tires out the crowd, who shuffle over to the Chipotle across the street instead.
  • After only a day of having new episodes available on Instant Watch, Netflix removes all new episodes of Arrested Development from its streaming service. Protests erupt as if George W. Bush had just re-entered American into a war in Iraq. Netflix does not reveal why it removed the episodes, but does, as an alternative, recommend such hit movies as What to Expect When You’re Expecting and The Raven. Amazon swoops in to quell the protests by saying that Arrested Development‘s new episodes can now be found on its Amazon Instant Video service, but that accomplishes nothing, because no one uses that shit.
  • Lena Dunham reveals that she will be starring in the Girls porn parody. Millions of libidos extract themselves from human bodies to protest in front of Dunham’s home.
  • Upon learning that the final Coldstone Creamery in New Jersey has closed, Chris Christie lapses into a fit of rage the likes of which had not seen since Hurricane Sandy slammed into the Jersey Shore. While the lack of other people prevent it from being labeled an actual “protest,” the damage caused is the costliest in the state’s history, and sends New Jersey into a Greece-like economic tailspin. The rampaging Christie is only stopped when the Avengers send in the Incredible Hulk.