Much like student loans, everyone’s got one, and we’ll all be paying them back for the rest of our lives…
So another Mother’s Day has come and gone, cards have been signed, flowers delivered, matinee tickets to The Big Wedding sold… and probably regretted. It’s good we have a day like Mother’s Day. If you’re lucky enough to have a great one, it takes you far too long to realize how grateful you should be, so it’s nice to have a day that reminds you of that fact. If your mom, say, forced you into competing in pageants or auditioning for commercials and led you to become addicted to coke and Jim Beam at 13, it’s a day that reminds you that sometimes it’s a good idea to have an independent streak.
Me, I got lucky. I hit the mom trifecta: 1 mom, 2 grandmas, all awesome sauce. They taught me responsibility, the importance of a good sense of humor, and that ginger kids need to have more sunscreen applied to themselves at the beach than any other type of human. But how do you know where yours fall, or where other moms fall, on the scale? Luckily for you, I’ve created a reference point for moms of all kind, to show you where they rank on the Mom Scale of Awesomeness (from 0 to 10):
0.1 - The Octomom.
0.2 - Dina Lohan.
0.5 - The mom who makes her kids wear a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and a mouth guard when they go bike riding.
1.0 - Honey Boo Boo’s mom. At least she teaches somewhat earned self-esteem.
2.0 - The mom who thinks that store-brand mac and cheese is “just as good” as Kraft mac and cheese. NO IT’S NOT! What are the summers like over there on Dirty Lying Whore Island?
3.0 - Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest. Awful, but I’d take a lady screaming at me about wire hangers over fake-mac-and-cheese lady any day.
4.0 - The mom who tells her kids that they’ll cramp up and drown if they go swimming less than 20 minutes after eating for far longer than she should. How’s a 4’5″ kid gonna drown in a 4′ above-ground pool??
5.0 - Mrs. Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Awesome, but she’d be a few points higher if she’d ever let Dr. Huxtable just enjoy a goddamned sandwich in peace.
6.0 - How I Met Your Mother. Points deducted for taking so fucking long to actually show the mother.
7.0 - The mom who lets you and your friends drink at your house during high school (because “better to have them home than lying dead in a ditch somewhere”), but then teaches you a valuable lesson about drinking to excess when she makes you all do yard work the next morning when you have a hangover.
8.0 - The song “Mother” by Danzig.
9.0 - Mrs. Taylor from Friday Night Lights.
10.0 - The mom who embraces your inability to do laundry in college and takes it for you when you come home, despite the fact that you’re a grown-ass-man who somehow can’t follow instructions printed on the side of a bottle of Tide.
11.0 - My mom. Love ya, Ma!