May 28, 2013

Trivia Blog: It Makes Spidey Sense

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Does whatever a Spider can’t… or won’t… because he’s super busy… or thinks it’s beneath him…

I had a damned fine surprise while walking to work this morning when I discovered that the new Spider-Man movie (The Amazing Spider-Man) was filming just a block from my office. This is one of those things I love about New York, the fact that I can say things like, “Today, while walking to work, I saw Spider-Man being filmed and a homeless guy peeing on a trash can.”

My one regret, though, is that I missed a prime chance to finally convince Spider-Man to take me on as a sidekick. The way I see it, I could use one of these arguments to win him over:

  • “I look great in tights, but not so bulge-y that I’m distracting.”
  • “If you really want to make a cool entrance, I could always go to places ahead of time and be the guy who yells, ‘Oh, wow, it’s Spider-Man!’ and really gets the crowd going. Kind of like a fluffer, minus the blowjob part.”
  • “I couldn’t be any worse than Alpha. Remember that guy? What a cock-knocker.”
  • “If I don’t shower for a week, I can sort of cling to walls, too. And repel women. That’s sort of a super power.”
  • “If your storylines start to weaken, we can always kill me off and have you scream “Noooooooooooooo!!!” to the sky and vow to seek vengeance. That’s worked for Batman like 6 times.”
  • “Much like a spider, I have only eight toes. Thanks, diabetes.”
  • “I promise not to get too handsy when I’m clinging to you while we swing through the city. Probably.”

May 21, 2013

Trivia Blog: Doucheswag

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

It’s gotta be hard to be the Biebs…

Normally I could give a good god damn about the trials and tribulations of Justin Bieber, but I gotta say, the kid is reaching levels of douchebagginess (and baggypantsness) not seen since the heyday of Dane Cook. When I read about the crowd booing him while he was accepting an award from Chevy (?) at this past weekend’s Billboard Music Awards, I couldn’t help but be tickled by it all. It’s just one of those perfect moments in life that you’re just glad you get to be a part of.

But more than that, I wanted to understand what goes on under all that hair gel and inside Bieber’s brain. So, using advanced psychological techniques, I was able to extract his inner monologue during his acceptance speech:

“Alright, Biebs, it’s award time. You’re lookin’ good. Feelin’ good. You’re rockin’ this sweet leather v-neck t-shirt, your hair is lookin’ super Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV-esque. Let’s do this.

“Uh oh. They’re booing you. Pull it together, Biebs! This is the big time! This is CHEVY!

“I gotta get the crowd back. Maybe I should take my shirt off or throw up some gang signs? How can I explain to these crackers what it’s like to grow up rough on the streets of Stratford, Ontario, Canada? That shit’s like Baltimore in The Wire, son! Maybe I’ll just remind them that this award is totally earned on merit, and not a gimmick provided by the sponsor of the awards show…

“Aw shiznit, that didn’t seem to work, they’re still booing… Maybe if I talk about my craft and my struggles as an artist, they’ll see the real me under all this swag. They’re still booing! Don’t they know how hard it is to bare my soul when I’m out there layin’ down swag? O, bittersweet muse, why must thou continually torture this weary wanderer with your siren song of swag?


“Thank god I’m wearing these Ice Man from Top Gun aviators so no one can see my tears…”

May 14, 2013

Trivia Blog: Mommie Dear List

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Much like student loans, everyone’s got one, and we’ll all be paying them back for the rest of our lives…

So another Mother’s Day has come and gone, cards have been signed, flowers delivered, matinee tickets to The Big Wedding sold… and probably regretted. It’s good we have a day like Mother’s Day. If you’re lucky enough to have a great one, it takes you far too long to realize how grateful you should be, so it’s nice to have a day that reminds you of that fact. If your mom, say, forced you into competing in pageants or auditioning for commercials and led you to become addicted to coke and Jim Beam at 13, it’s a day that reminds you that sometimes it’s a good idea to have an independent streak.

Me, I got lucky. I hit the mom trifecta: 1 mom, 2 grandmas, all awesome sauce. They taught me responsibility, the importance of a good sense of humor, and that ginger kids need to have more sunscreen applied to themselves at the beach than any other type of human. But how do you know where yours fall, or where other moms fall, on the scale? Luckily for you, I’ve created a reference point for moms of all kind, to show you where they rank on the Mom Scale of Awesomeness (from 0 to 10):

0.1 - The Octomom.

0.2 - Dina Lohan.

0.5 - The mom who makes her kids wear a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and a mouth guard when they go bike riding.

1.0 - Honey Boo Boo’s mom. At least she teaches somewhat earned self-esteem.

2.0 - The mom who thinks that store-brand mac and cheese is “just as good” as Kraft mac and cheese. NO IT’S NOT! What are the summers like over there on Dirty Lying Whore Island?

3.0 - Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest. Awful, but I’d take a lady screaming at me about wire hangers over fake-mac-and-cheese lady any day.

4.0 - The mom who tells her kids that they’ll cramp up and drown if they go swimming less than 20 minutes after eating for far longer than she should. How’s a 4’5″ kid gonna drown in a 4′ above-ground pool??

5.0 - Mrs. Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Awesome, but she’d be a few points higher if she’d ever let Dr. Huxtable just enjoy a goddamned sandwich in peace.

6.0 - How I Met Your Mother. Points deducted for taking so fucking long to actually show the mother.

7.0 - The mom who lets you and your friends drink at your house during high school (because “better to have them home than lying dead in a ditch somewhere”), but then teaches you a valuable lesson about drinking to excess when she makes you all do yard work the next morning when you have a hangover.

8.0 - The song “Mother” by Danzig.

9.0 - Mrs. Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

10.0 - The mom who embraces your inability to do laundry in college and takes it for you when you come home, despite the fact that you’re a grown-ass-man who somehow can’t follow instructions printed on the side of a bottle of Tide.


11.0 - My mom. Love ya, Ma!

May 7, 2013

Trivia Blog: Zero Dork Thirty

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

At least I got to live long enough to see KFC use fried chicken as sandwich buns…

So I just turned 30 yesterday, triviagoers. My youth, much like the box office power and sexual appeal of Lindsay Lohan, is now but a relic of the past. I had a hell of a run in my 20s, and I’ll miss the carefree days of warmed-over pizza at 3AM and feeling like it’s still okay for me to watch MTV without shame.

But it’s not so bad. 30 comes on like the public acceptance of singing and dancing competition shows; gradually, not all at once. Much like my hairline, my 20s may now be receding into memory, but there’s still a lot of good coming. Still, even one day in I’m beginning to understand that certain things have to change. It’s the natural order of life. Some things are just harder to pull off after 30, like:

  • Getting off the couch the day after celebrating your 30th birthday a bit too hard (many thanks to my friends who kept giving me shots of whiskey)
  • Playing a day of softball without feeling like I’ve been beaten up the day after
  • Shopping at a place like Uniqlo without the average clientele looking at me like an Alzheimer’s-riddled elderly man who’s wandered away from the retirement home
  • Pulling off the student movie ticket discount with a long-expired college ID. Fuck you, buddy, I’m not paying full price to see Pain & Gain. Okay, I am…
  • Not looking like a complete dick while dancing in any situation
  • Saying the phrase, “One Doritos Locos Taco, please.”