March 26, 2013

Trivia Blog: Toilet Humor

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Two things…

1)  Regarding the big debate over same-sex marriage gaining steam today: Regardless of upbringing, religion, region, sexual preference, or creed; even if you don’t want to vocalize your support, or change your Facebook profile picture, or just take the time to really consider the matter; if you don’t think every American deserves to have the same rights, then you don’t really give a shit about rights.  Nation-given rights by their very nature have to be all-inclusive, to all members of said nation; otherwise you’re not talking about rights, you’re talking about preference.  And when base your opposition to basic human rights on personal preference or, worse, the writings found in a 2,000-year-old book of stories instead of on the shared idea that we’re all in this thing together, you make yourself out to be archaic, separatist, and, frankly, un-American.  Just do the right thing.  And don’t be a dick.

2)  I’ve really got to work on my segues…  So my fiancee passed this story on to me today, about a kid whose mom asked him to clean the bathroom “like the Queen of England is visiting.”  The kid, in a fantastically sarcastic, Redditor-like response, cleaned and left a placard that said “Welcome to America! Enjoy your stay!”, an illustration of the British flag, some boxes of tea, a mini TARDIS, and a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on the john.  I mean the loo.  It made me chuckle, but it also made me think of a potentially lucrative side business, one in which I’d act as a consultant for how to arrange bathrooms to prepare for celebrity visits.  In a world where titles like Assistant Chief Tweet Writer (probably) exist, I could see this becoming an actual job, my new labor of love.  I mean labour of love.

A few ideas to get my business going while I set up the Kickstarter page…

Kanye - Just mirrors freakin’ everywhere, including one that showers him with compliments whenever he looks into it; a toilet that gives him an award for Best BM every time he flushes

Mitt Romney - That special 6-ply toilet paper that’s only made available to a select few amongst our country’s rich elite, plenty of cans of Your Shit Don’t Stink-brand air freshener

Jimmy Fallon - A bathroom that smells like Jay Leno just left it, The Roots tucked in there somewhere to play music during sit-down time

John Boehner - Two things, and two things only: a case of bronzer and lot of space in which to curl up into a ball and cry

Beyonce - Two 1/3-scale replica bathrooms adjoining for the other members of Destiny’s Child, an ego-boosting toilet that says “Thank you, you are a goddess” every time it flushes

Paul Ryan - All of the magazines, ‘cus that guy’s full of shit

Pope Francis - A comically oversized hat rack, an enclosed toilet made to look like the Popemobile (we, of course, will call it the Poopmobile), copies of Boys’ Life

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