Two completely unrelated things…
1) I had the pleasure of going to Nick Offerman’s American Ham show taping on Saturday night, and it was the best thing ever. If you don’t know Nick Offerman, he’s the man who’s given us Parks and Recreation‘s Ron Swanson, one of the greatest characters on TV today (if not the greatest). Also, if you don’t know Nick Offerman/Ron Swanson, we probably wouldn’t be friends. His show this past weekend was a mustachioed celebration of red meat, scotch, the lunacy of the Book of Leviticus (and most of the Bible in general), the importance of having a craft and saying please/thank you, and more scotch. Plus, it ended with him singing the Li’l Sebastian song. It was phenomenal. I highly recommend looking it up when and if it comes out.
2) Florida has become sentient and is trying to devour us, you guys. Sinkholes are threatening to supplant asshole European tourists in Orlando as the number-one thing that drives people away from Florida. Days after a man and half of his house were swallowed hole (get it?), it happened again just miles from where the first incident took place. I can’t be positive, but I think the universe has finally grown tired of Florida and is trying to destroy it.
I do have love for Florida. My parents and sister/brother-in-law live there. I’m getting married on a beach there. Dan Marino threw footballs there. But it’s also the state that seems to deliver stories every hour that have contain combination of meth, aggravated assault, incest, tax evasion, meth, wild animal attacks, trailer park fires, meth, or all of the above. I can’t pinpoint exactly one, but here are some of the reasons I came up with for why the world is trying to have Florida removed from its surface like a dong-shaped mole:
- Lebron James. I don’t know the exact reason, but I’m sure at least part of it has to do with that douche.
- Alligators can reach top speeds of up to 15 miles per hour. On land. No one needs that much death-causing prowess on land and in water.
- The sports world is trying to force-correct the SEC’s dominance in college football by removing one of its key recruiting states.
- God finally discovered how bad Jacksonville truly is.
- Lines feeding out of Disneyworld have now led all the way to Georgia, causing huge delays in highway traffic.
- Seagulls have become a blight that must be completely removed from the universe. Seriously, fuck seagulls.
- The number of STDs originating from and incubating in Florida’s many Spring Break hotspots is approaching The Stand-like levels of threat to the US population.
- It’s only a matter of time before all those retirees discover Bath Salts…
- It all has nothing to do with Florida. Instead, the plot of Tremors is coming to life and soon people will be hunted by wormlike alien creatures. Either way, someone call Kevin Bacon.