I never should’ve trimmed my beard…
So this Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day, the grand celebration of all things Irish that boils down the heritage of my ancestors into drinking, fighting, and acting like drunken asses, and I have to pretend to be mildly outraged by that fact before doing at least 2 of the 3 myself.
It’s no secret, St. Patty’s leads to a lot of stupid, stupid behavior, which is at the same time ridiculously fun. A man of my gingery-beard stature somehow becomes a figure of respect and admiration, even though we normally kind of creep people out with all of our freckles and bursting into flames under the intense glare of the sun. But for one day, we are kings. And that’s enough for me. Still, it’s a holiday that a lot of people need help navigating, lest they become that guy, the guy who drinks too many Car Bombs, punches a bouncer, and pees on a police horse. So, to help you navigate this holy fest of green, Guinness, and good-god-that’s-a-lot-of-vomit, here are some general do’s, don’ts, and helpful tips for this St. Patty’s Day:
- Start with Guinness. Always start with Guinness. You’ll be happy for that nice, heavy base when you’re ten-deep into Jameson shots.
- Be wary of non-Irish bars pulling a temporary name change to seem more holiday-appropriate in an attempt to attract your business. Anyone can slap an O’ or a Mc in front of their bar sign when no one’s paying attention. But if you wander into the O’Sex Dungeon or Michael McLightyourballsonfire’s, you probably won’t have that good of a time.
- Throwing up and punching someone doesn’t make you more Irish. It makes you more Randy Travis.
- Following up, the novelty of seeing that your own vomit is coming out green quickly wears off after the first couple times. If it goes beyond that, you might have poisoned yourself with food coloring. Consider heading to the hospital.
- Further following up, every time you think about throwing up on the sidewalk or in a bar or any other public spot, ask yourself, “Can I really be sure I won’t wind up passed out in this very spot later on in the day?” If you can’t think of others, think of yourself, man.
- Just because the parade is on Saturday doesn’t mean that you should take it upon yourself to do a one-man version of it on Sunday. Plus, dropping your pants and walking in the street isn’t a parade. It’s a misdemeanor.
- Don’t just assume that every person of short stature dressed in green and having a drink is a leprechaun. It could just be an unattended child.