March 19, 2013

Trivia Blog: LBJerkoff

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Before I get into today’s Trivia email, I want to send a very big, very happy congratulations to my good buddy Adam and his wife Annie on the birth of their beautiful baby girl yesterday. Adam is my sounding board for trivia questions, and he gets a test-run of each week’s quiz before I finalize it for you fine people to make sure it’s top-notch, so if this week’s is slightly lacking, blame him for putting the care of his newborn baby over Trivia Night in terms of his priorities.

And now, in the worst segue ever, let’s talk about Lebron James.

I’ve mentioned this in a few previous emails, but I’m not the world’s biggest Lebron James fan. I don’t wish him any sort of specific ill, though if I were to open up ESPN.com one day and find that he, say, became the first NBA player ever to lose a limb after being attacked by a bear during a game, I might do a little Snoopy dance. You just can’t screw over Cleveland fans the way Lebron did during The Decision (for those who don’t know, short version: uber-tortured sports city, he was the likely hometown savior, took a dump on us during a live TV special and fled to Miami), and expect us to forgive and forget. Most of the world of sports fandom sided with us, at least in the beginning, and it seemed that Lebron was destined to be the next great sports villain, and would struggle through a career laden with failures and boos wherever he went.

But then he got to win an NBA Championship last year. And is currently leading Miami to a second-best-ever, 23-game winning streak. I won’t go on about how it’s all not fair, how this just helps further set a precedent that athletes can and should bolt smaller markets for larger ones, and blah, blah, blah. His success, however, did get me wondering about other villains, and what they might have done had they not been ultimately defeated in their quests for glory.

Like these…

Voldemort - After destroying his nemesis, small teenager Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort comes out as pansexual in a revealing People magazine interview. He moves to Chelsea with his lovers, Draco Malfoy and a ficus plant, and opens a dress shop for men called He Who Shall Not Be Neiman Marcus (“Slytherin and strut out!”). He also becomes an outspoken opponent of plastic surgery, saying that “men and women everywhere can learn to be like me, content with super-pale skin and a big hole where my nose should be.”

Wicked Witch of the West - After ducking away from the thrown pail of water and tossing Dorothy out of the castle window, the Wicked Witch takes over the land of Oz and begins instilling harsh political sanctions, seemingly for personal reasons. She passes laws stripping the rights away from sentient farm equipment, half-human/half-animals, people shorter than 3 feet tall, and, for some reason, small business owners.

Joan Crawford, from Mommie Dearest - She beats cancer, and after a bit of reflection, decides that wire hangers are okay after all.

Freddie Krueger - After defeating those rotten kids who tried to kill him for trying to kill them, Freddie realizes that his true talent lies in his dextrous chopping finger blades and becomes the greatest flattop chef Benihana has ever seen.

Michael Myers - After several instances of being killed and coming back to life to try and kill again, Michael grows tired of embarking on Halloween-related killing sprees and decides to pursue his lifelong dream of being a comedic actor. He shortens his name to Mike and, after a lengthy stint on Saturday Night Live, stars in a massively successful movie series about a catchphrase-spouting, libidinous British spy from the 60s. Although I may be thinking of a different Mike Myers…

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