1) Regarding the big debate over same-sex marriage gaining steam today: Regardless of upbringing, religion, region, sexual preference, or creed; even if you don’t want to vocalize your support, or change your Facebook profile picture, or just take the time to really consider the matter; if you don’t think every American deserves to have the same rights, then you don’t really give a shit about rights. Nation-given rights by their very nature have to be all-inclusive, to all members of said nation; otherwise you’re not talking about rights, you’re talking about preference. And when base your opposition to basic human rights on personal preference or, worse, the writings found in a 2,000-year-old book of stories instead of on the shared idea that we’re all in this thing together, you make yourself out to be archaic, separatist, and, frankly, un-American. Just do the right thing. And don’t be a dick.
2) I’ve really got to work on my segues… So my fiancee passed this story on to me today, about a kid whose mom asked him to clean the bathroom “like the Queen of England is visiting.” The kid, in a fantastically sarcastic, Redditor-like response, cleaned and left a placard that said “Welcome to America! Enjoy your stay!”, an illustration of the British flag, some boxes of tea, a mini TARDIS, and a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on the john. I mean the loo. It made me chuckle, but it also made me think of a potentially lucrative side business, one in which I’d act as a consultant for how to arrange bathrooms to prepare for celebrity visits. In a world where titles like Assistant Chief Tweet Writer (probably) exist, I could see this becoming an actual job, my new labor of love. I mean labour of love.
A few ideas to get my business going while I set up the Kickstarter page…
Kanye - Just mirrors freakin’ everywhere, including one that showers him with compliments whenever he looks into it; a toilet that gives him an award for Best BM every time he flushes
Mitt Romney - That special 6-ply toilet paper that’s only made available to a select few amongst our country’s rich elite, plenty of cans of Your Shit Don’t Stink-brand air freshener
Jimmy Fallon - A bathroom that smells like Jay Leno just left it, The Roots tucked in there somewhere to play music during sit-down time
John Boehner - Two things, and two things only: a case of bronzer and lot of space in which to curl up into a ball and cry
Beyonce - Two 1/3-scale replica bathrooms adjoining for the other members of Destiny’s Child, an ego-boosting toilet that says “Thank you, you are a goddess” every time it flushes
Paul Ryan - All of the magazines, ‘cus that guy’s full of shit
Pope Francis - A comically oversized hat rack, an enclosed toilet made to look like the Popemobile (we, of course, will call it the Poopmobile), copies of Boys’ Life