March 26, 2013

Trivia Blog: Toilet Humor

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Two things…

1)  Regarding the big debate over same-sex marriage gaining steam today: Regardless of upbringing, religion, region, sexual preference, or creed; even if you don’t want to vocalize your support, or change your Facebook profile picture, or just take the time to really consider the matter; if you don’t think every American deserves to have the same rights, then you don’t really give a shit about rights.  Nation-given rights by their very nature have to be all-inclusive, to all members of said nation; otherwise you’re not talking about rights, you’re talking about preference.  And when base your opposition to basic human rights on personal preference or, worse, the writings found in a 2,000-year-old book of stories instead of on the shared idea that we’re all in this thing together, you make yourself out to be archaic, separatist, and, frankly, un-American.  Just do the right thing.  And don’t be a dick.

2)  I’ve really got to work on my segues…  So my fiancee passed this story on to me today, about a kid whose mom asked him to clean the bathroom “like the Queen of England is visiting.”  The kid, in a fantastically sarcastic, Redditor-like response, cleaned and left a placard that said “Welcome to America! Enjoy your stay!”, an illustration of the British flag, some boxes of tea, a mini TARDIS, and a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on the john.  I mean the loo.  It made me chuckle, but it also made me think of a potentially lucrative side business, one in which I’d act as a consultant for how to arrange bathrooms to prepare for celebrity visits.  In a world where titles like Assistant Chief Tweet Writer (probably) exist, I could see this becoming an actual job, my new labor of love.  I mean labour of love.

A few ideas to get my business going while I set up the Kickstarter page…

Kanye - Just mirrors freakin’ everywhere, including one that showers him with compliments whenever he looks into it; a toilet that gives him an award for Best BM every time he flushes

Mitt Romney - That special 6-ply toilet paper that’s only made available to a select few amongst our country’s rich elite, plenty of cans of Your Shit Don’t Stink-brand air freshener

Jimmy Fallon - A bathroom that smells like Jay Leno just left it, The Roots tucked in there somewhere to play music during sit-down time

John Boehner - Two things, and two things only: a case of bronzer and lot of space in which to curl up into a ball and cry

Beyonce - Two 1/3-scale replica bathrooms adjoining for the other members of Destiny’s Child, an ego-boosting toilet that says “Thank you, you are a goddess” every time it flushes

Paul Ryan - All of the magazines, ‘cus that guy’s full of shit

Pope Francis - A comically oversized hat rack, an enclosed toilet made to look like the Popemobile (we, of course, will call it the Poopmobile), copies of Boys’ Life

March 19, 2013

Trivia Blog: LBJerkoff

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Before I get into today’s Trivia email, I want to send a very big, very happy congratulations to my good buddy Adam and his wife Annie on the birth of their beautiful baby girl yesterday. Adam is my sounding board for trivia questions, and he gets a test-run of each week’s quiz before I finalize it for you fine people to make sure it’s top-notch, so if this week’s is slightly lacking, blame him for putting the care of his newborn baby over Trivia Night in terms of his priorities.

And now, in the worst segue ever, let’s talk about Lebron James.

I’ve mentioned this in a few previous emails, but I’m not the world’s biggest Lebron James fan. I don’t wish him any sort of specific ill, though if I were to open up ESPN.com one day and find that he, say, became the first NBA player ever to lose a limb after being attacked by a bear during a game, I might do a little Snoopy dance. You just can’t screw over Cleveland fans the way Lebron did during The Decision (for those who don’t know, short version: uber-tortured sports city, he was the likely hometown savior, took a dump on us during a live TV special and fled to Miami), and expect us to forgive and forget. Most of the world of sports fandom sided with us, at least in the beginning, and it seemed that Lebron was destined to be the next great sports villain, and would struggle through a career laden with failures and boos wherever he went.

But then he got to win an NBA Championship last year. And is currently leading Miami to a second-best-ever, 23-game winning streak. I won’t go on about how it’s all not fair, how this just helps further set a precedent that athletes can and should bolt smaller markets for larger ones, and blah, blah, blah. His success, however, did get me wondering about other villains, and what they might have done had they not been ultimately defeated in their quests for glory.

Like these…

Voldemort - After destroying his nemesis, small teenager Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort comes out as pansexual in a revealing People magazine interview. He moves to Chelsea with his lovers, Draco Malfoy and a ficus plant, and opens a dress shop for men called He Who Shall Not Be Neiman Marcus (“Slytherin and strut out!”). He also becomes an outspoken opponent of plastic surgery, saying that “men and women everywhere can learn to be like me, content with super-pale skin and a big hole where my nose should be.”

Wicked Witch of the West - After ducking away from the thrown pail of water and tossing Dorothy out of the castle window, the Wicked Witch takes over the land of Oz and begins instilling harsh political sanctions, seemingly for personal reasons. She passes laws stripping the rights away from sentient farm equipment, half-human/half-animals, people shorter than 3 feet tall, and, for some reason, small business owners.

Joan Crawford, from Mommie Dearest - She beats cancer, and after a bit of reflection, decides that wire hangers are okay after all.

Freddie Krueger - After defeating those rotten kids who tried to kill him for trying to kill them, Freddie realizes that his true talent lies in his dextrous chopping finger blades and becomes the greatest flattop chef Benihana has ever seen.

Michael Myers - After several instances of being killed and coming back to life to try and kill again, Michael grows tired of embarking on Halloween-related killing sprees and decides to pursue his lifelong dream of being a comedic actor. He shortens his name to Mike and, after a lengthy stint on Saturday Night Live, stars in a massively successful movie series about a catchphrase-spouting, libidinous British spy from the 60s. Although I may be thinking of a different Mike Myers…

March 12, 2013

Trivia Blog: McDon't Do That

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I never should’ve trimmed my beard…

So this Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day, the grand celebration of all things Irish that boils down the heritage of my ancestors into drinking, fighting, and acting like drunken asses, and I have to pretend to be mildly outraged by that fact before doing at least 2 of the 3 myself.

It’s no secret, St. Patty’s leads to a lot of stupid, stupid behavior, which is at the same time ridiculously fun.  A man of my gingery-beard stature somehow becomes a figure of respect and admiration, even though we normally kind of creep people out with all of our freckles and bursting into flames under the intense glare of the sun.  But for one day, we are kings.  And that’s enough for me.  Still, it’s a holiday that a lot of people need help navigating, lest they become that guy, the guy who drinks too many Car Bombs, punches a bouncer, and pees on a police horse.  So, to help you navigate this holy fest of green, Guinness, and good-god-that’s-a-lot-of-vomit, here are some general do’s, don’ts, and helpful tips for this St. Patty’s Day:
  • Start with Guinness.  Always start with Guinness.  You’ll be happy for that nice, heavy base when you’re ten-deep into Jameson shots.
  • Be wary of non-Irish bars pulling a temporary name change to seem more holiday-appropriate in an attempt to attract your business.  Anyone can slap an O’ or a Mc in front of their bar sign when no one’s paying attention.  But if you wander into the O’Sex Dungeon or Michael McLightyourballsonfire’s, you probably won’t have that good of a time.
  • Throwing up and punching someone doesn’t make you more Irish.  It makes you more Randy Travis.
  • Following up, the novelty of seeing that your own vomit is coming out green quickly wears off after the first couple times.  If it goes beyond that, you might have poisoned yourself with food coloring.  Consider heading to the hospital.
  • Further following up, every time you think about throwing up on the sidewalk or in a bar or any other public spot, ask yourself, “Can I really be sure I won’t wind up passed out in this very spot later on in the day?”  If you can’t think of others, think of yourself, man.
  • Just because the parade is on Saturday doesn’t mean that you should take it upon yourself to do a one-man version of it on Sunday.  Plus, dropping your pants and walking in the street isn’t a parade.  It’s a misdemeanor.
  • Don’t just assume that every person of short stature dressed in green and having a drink is a leprechaun. It could just be an unattended child.

March 5, 2013

Trivia Blog: Sunshine State of Disaster

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Two completely unrelated things…

1) I had the pleasure of going to Nick Offerman’s American Ham show taping on Saturday night, and it was the best thing ever. If you don’t know Nick Offerman, he’s the man who’s given us Parks and Recreation‘s Ron Swanson, one of the greatest characters on TV today (if not the greatest). Also, if you don’t know Nick Offerman/Ron Swanson, we probably wouldn’t be friends. His show this past weekend was a mustachioed celebration of red meat, scotch, the lunacy of the Book of Leviticus (and most of the Bible in general), the importance of having a craft and saying please/thank you, and more scotch. Plus, it ended with him singing the Li’l Sebastian song. It was phenomenal. I highly recommend looking it up when and if it comes out.

2) Florida has become sentient and is trying to devour us, you guys. Sinkholes are threatening to supplant asshole European tourists in Orlando as the number-one thing that drives people away from Florida. Days after a man and half of his house were swallowed hole (get it?), it happened again just miles from where the first incident took place. I can’t be positive, but I think the universe has finally grown tired of Florida and is trying to destroy it.

I do have love for Florida. My parents and sister/brother-in-law live there. I’m getting married on a beach there. Dan Marino threw footballs there. But it’s also the state that seems to deliver stories every hour that have contain combination of meth, aggravated assault, incest, tax evasion, meth, wild animal attacks, trailer park fires, meth, or all of the above. I can’t pinpoint exactly one, but here are some of the reasons I came up with for why the world is trying to have Florida removed from its surface like a dong-shaped mole:
  • Lebron James. I don’t know the exact reason, but I’m sure at least part of it has to do with that douche.
  • Alligators can reach top speeds of up to 15 miles per hour. On land. No one needs that much death-causing prowess on land and in water.
  • The sports world is trying to force-correct the SEC’s dominance in college football by removing one of its key recruiting states.
  • God finally discovered how bad Jacksonville truly is.
  • Lines feeding out of Disneyworld have now led all the way to Georgia, causing huge delays in highway traffic.
  • Seagulls have become a blight that must be completely removed from the universe. Seriously, fuck seagulls.
  • The number of STDs originating from and incubating in Florida’s many Spring Break hotspots is approaching The Stand-like levels of threat to the US population.
  • It’s only a matter of time before all those retirees discover Bath Salts…
  • It all has nothing to do with Florida. Instead, the plot of Tremors is coming to life and soon people will be hunted by wormlike alien creatures. Either way, someone call Kevin Bacon.