I wonder if they’ll post on Career Builder…
So, as we covered last week, the Pope has made an early exit. He made like a holy tree and got out of there. Premature immaculated, if you will. We’re all going to just have to buck up and try to move on with our lives, knowing that we may never again see his sweet, goblin-y face. But we can’t dwell in our Popelessness. We need to find a new Pope, because… Well I have no idea why. But we need one.
As is the case with most matters of dire importance, I feel that it falls to me to sort through the masses and pick a new Pope. I’m sure the Cardinals and Priests and other funny hat-wearing people over at the Vatican will come up with someone on their own soon enough, an official selection of an old man who you’ve never heard of and will soon completely forget.
- Oprah - Just so people stop making the obvious Pope-rah joke and it becomes an actual thing. You can lie to Oprah, Lance Armstrong, but dare ye lie to the holy destructive force that is Pope-rah?
- Mayor Michael Bloomberg - The man knows all about overstaying his welcome, but turned out to be pretty good at it. And as much as we all love El Mayor Bloombergo and his mad Spanish-speaking skills, imagine how amazing it would be to listen to him try to speak Latin. He could even bring his crazy sign-language interpreter lady with him to over-emote during masses.
- Lady Gaga - As far as I can tell, half of the job of being the Pope is wearing ridiculous gowns and hats. In that case, who better to step into the Pope role than Lady Gaga? This is a woman who’s been hiding an inability to sing well behind meat suits and bubble dresses her whole career. Imagine if she was named Pope while wearing a coat made out of dead river otters and Highlights magazine covers, or if she rocked some sort of shawl made out of one of the Olsen twins. You know, the ugly one. And could there be a better Popemobile than whatever the hell Lady Gaga would roll around town in? Gone would be the old car with a bubble on top model, and in would be a papier-mache replica of Bill Cosby’s head, which would crack open along the middle and allow her to step out and drop some Catholicism, son.
- Chris Hansen - The Catholic Church as an image problem; we all know this. So who better to handle all of the blatant boy-touching (perhaps a poor choice of words there) than the host of To Catch a Predator? Can you imagine how many hidden-camera videos we’d get of some overweight Cardinal slipping into the monastery with a sixer of Zima, only to find Hansen-Pope sitting there waiting for him?
- Bill Clinton - If you really want to ensure that no more child-related scandals would go down, turn to Slick Willy and let him turn them into intern-related scandals instead.
- Clint Eastwood - You want an old guy who dodders on about nonsense to sit in your empty Pope chair? How about an old guy who dodders on about nonsense to an actual empty chair?
- Ray Lewis - The man needs a job now, for one. And I imagine misbehavior within the church would plummet if they all knew they could wind up dead outside an Atlanta nightclub. I’m sorry, allegedly dead outside an Atlanta nightclub. Plus, how awesome would it be to see the Pope begin every address by doing the Ray Lewis dance?