A short play…
[Ben Affleck sits in the back of a limo en route from the Oscars to the Vanity Fair party, silently stroking his just-won Best Film Oscar.]
Affleck: [singing] Believe it or not, IIIII’m walkin’ on air, I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee…
[There is a bright flash as a flame erupts inside the limo, heralding the arrival of the Devil.]
Affleck: By Matt Damon’s dimples! The Devil? What are you doing here?
Devil: Eh, I figured I’d get in a couple pictures with Seth MacFarlane, give those stick-up-their-ass PC bloggers something to actually complain about. Maybe see if I can get Meryl Streep drunk enough to fool around with me again, do a little blow with Nicholson, you know, Oscar night stuff.
Affleck: [nervously] Ha, sounds good…
Devil: Oh, and of course, there’s the little matter of collecting that fee you owe me.
Affleck: Aw, come on, Devil, how can you be sure that you’re the one responsible and I didn’t just get here by myself?
Devil: Don’t pull that crap with me, Affleck, we had a deal. I agreed to help get you out of the giant suckhole that your life had become in the early 2000s in exchange for that lovely, Red Sox-y soul of yours. And you’re gonna give it up. Don’t play Reindeer Games with me.
Affleck: Really? A shitty pun about one of my movies?
Devil: A shitty pun about one of your shitty movies. Which I helped put behind you. And speaking of behinds, I also got that Jennifer Lopez mess out of your life.
Affleck: Yeah, I guess I’ve got to thank you for that one…
Devil: See?? I do good work, Ben, my boy. You moved on with one of America’s sweetheart, and what’s Lopez done? Went on American Idol for a while with that weird old chick… What’s her name?
Affleck: Steven Tyler…?
Devil: Yes! Anyways, let’s get this over, shall we? I’ve gotta get Armagedd-on my way.
Affleck: Wow. You’re really terrible at this.
Devil: Yeah, I couldn’t hope to be nearly as good as you, seeing as how you “wrote” Good Will Hunting and all.
Affleck: What are you implying…?
Devil: Nothing, nothing! Alright, here we go… Aaaand, soul!
[There's a small poof of smoke.]
Affleck: Is… is that it?
Devil: Well the soul isn’t really a physical thing to take, Benny, it’s more of an idea. It’s your incorporeal essence, keeps you bound to this mortal coil, serves as a guidepost until you reach the everlasting, blah blah blah. We’ll deal with the larger ramifications of it all after you’re Gone, Baby, Gone from this Earth.
Affleck: Okay that one was pretty good.
Devil: And I thank you. Until that time, though, keep on making your movies and living your life. You’ll still be able to enjoy and do everything you did before I took your soul. [softly] Except have an erection.
Affleck: Wait, what?
Devil: Nothing! Hey, it’s been great seeing you, Gigli. If you could just have your driver drop me off here at the Staples Center, I’ve got some business with Kobe regarding that whole Colorado incident. [Gets out of car.] Oh, and Ben?
Devil: You the bomb in Phantoms, yo.