January 29, 2013

Trivia Blog: Seriously, Don't Poke Me.

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Somehow, all of the stupid Poke jokes have now come true…

It’s fair to say at this point that Facebook wears lots of hats for its users: information directory, birthday reminder calendar, photo album, shameless promotional tool (like the hilarious posts you’ll read on Lobster Donut and the amazing bad movies you’ll watch with Wasted Cinema!), incessant boring baby story bulletin board, and occasional game room (if, to you, feeding cows and growing wheat is somehow fun).  I doubt, however, that many of us saw Facebook’s potential new role coming: pimp.

That’s essentially what you’ll get with the release of this news story about Bang With Friends, a new app that lets Facebook friends cut through all of the guesswork and drunken mistakes that typically lead to a hookup, and instead lets you put your needy junk right out there in the open for all to take a gander at.  In short, the app allows users to broadcast that they are straight DTF and matches them up with friends who are also looking for a proper rogering.  It’s like the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist, minus all the mugging, illegal prostitution, and VD.  Or at least some of the VD.

What’s interesting, though, is list of names the creators went through before finally settling on Bang With Friends:
  • Sit On My Facebook
  • Are You There, Friend? It’s Me, Someone Who Wants to Bang You
  • Titter
  • Why Is That Area So Reddit…?
  • STD Roulette
  • Meetup (In My Pants)
  • Fuckr
  • Get All Up In MySpace
  • Walk Of Shame Scheduler
  • ChristianMingle.com
  • The Muffington Post
  • LinkedIn (My Pants)
  • P-in-V-terest

January 22, 2013

Trivia Blog: Fashion-First Lady

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Damn her for trying to de-fatten our children, but that gown is SPECTACULAR…

So another Inauguration has come and gone, and I’m still amazed/slightly confused by three things: 1) Bill Clinton’s inability to just turn it off, 2) the fact that the guy who did this and this has somehow morphed into an American political staple/ambassador, and 3) this weird obsession with what Michelle Obama is wearing, at all times. I get that she’s the First Lady, and that there’s a long history of the media making the First Lady into the First Mannequin.  I get that she’s an attractive woman, with guns like a panic-stricken NRA member’s basement. But this is someone with degrees from Princeton and Harvard, not Scarlett Johansson on the fucking red carpet.  I feel like even if she somehow developed a medicine that cured both cancer AND restless leg syndrome, there would still be headlines like “Michelle Obama Stuns in Sexy White Lab Coat” (unless it was from FOX News, in which case the headline would be “President’s Wife Murders Cancer”).

What if we always viewed our news through a fashion-obsessed lens?  Think about what some of history’s biggest moments would have been like if “Who are you wearing?” was a more important question than “What are you doing?”.  Imagine the newspaper stories…

The Washington Post – April 15, 1865
“Murder of the highest degree was committed last night at Ford’s Theatre as President Abraham Lincoln, whilst attending a staging of the play Our American Cousin, continued to wear that god-awful high top hat, and murdered fashion as we know it.  Yes, it was a veritable bullet to the brain of America’s haberdashers, many of whom agree that with his long face and slender frame, the President should go with something shorter, with not so quite a broad brim; perhaps a bowler or derby of some sort.  Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if some devoted fashionista crept up behind the President and shot him dead.  In other news last night, someone crept up behind the President and shot him dead.”

New York Times – September 2, 1939
“War on a global scale appears imminent following Germany’s invasion of Poland yesterday, but a greater conflict is brewing within the highest offices of Berlin: Hitler’s wardrobe vs. good taste.  Someone should tell ol’ Adolf that black boots with khaki pants is a fashion nein-nein.  And while we’re all for accessorizing, slapping that weird angular symbol all over everything is overkill.  No way could he ever commit a worse crime than that.  And speaking of atrocities, what’s happening with his mustache?  Did he get distracted while shaving?  ’Mein Fuhrer?’ More like ‘Mustache Failer,’ am I right?  Hey, Hitler, Charlie Chaplin called and said… Well, we’re not sure what he’d say, because he’s a silent movie star.”

Boston Globe – July 21, 1969
“Baggy white pajamas with an oversized biker helmet?  I don’t care if Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, that outfit choice is the real problem, Houston.”

January 15, 2013

Trivia Blog: A Separate Piece

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


The game suddenly seems a lot less fun in light of all the actual lost homes and bankruptcies happening in recent years…

So last week, it was announced that Hasbro will be dropping one of Monopoly’s classic board game pieces in favor of a new piece chosen by fans.  (Can a board game have fans…?)  Much like with the Twinkiecaust, Americans are overreacting-ly up in arms over the news that one of their beloved pieces would be sent to the Great Closet Shelf in the Sky.  Who can blame them?  It’s hard to imagine parting with modern, everyday staples like powerless, steamless ironphallic, seatbelt-less, one-person racecar; and tongueless, laceless boot.

My only real problem with this idea?  Uninspired replacement options.  Hasbro has a chance to add something of true value from our current culture, and they want us to go with something like a robot or a ring or helicopter whose rotors seem dangerously close to each other?  There have to better options.  My options.  Here’s what I propose be added to the Monopoly replacement contest:
  • Mitt Romney’s used bottle of self-tanner
  • A broken set of iPhone headphones (I know you make them so fragile on fucking purpose, Apple; they’re like sickly children in an amusement park)
  • Lena Dunham’s now-probably-bloody shoe in which she struggled to walk at the Golden Globes
  • Lena Dunham’s ubiquitous boob (ubiquiboob?)
  • One of those really, really long curly fries
  • The shiv that Carmelo Anthony probably made out of an old spoon for his post-game stalking of Kevin Garnett
  • Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend (just a little figurine of a man lying in the fetal position, hugging his knees and crying)

January 8, 2013

Trivia Blog: Win One (Quarter) for the Gipper

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Things that had a better chance of winning than poor Notre Dame vs. Alabama in last night’s National Championship game:
  • Mark Sanchez vs. an NFL defense
  • Mark Sanchez vs. the three feet between his crumpled-up fast food bag and the garbage can
  • The proper pronunciation of “diabetes” vs. Wilford Brimley
  • The structural integrity of IKEA furniture vs. a move to a fifth-floor walkup
  • The structural integrity of that last belt loop vs. Chris Christie
  • My patience vs. that high-frame rate, 3D version of The Hobbit
  • Mitt Romney vs. unemployment
  • All the new people at my gym this week vs. them still being there next week
  • Drunk revelers in the wee hours of New Year’s vs. the cops that find them peeing on cop cars
  • A bag of weed vs. Justin Bieber