December 18, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Gift That No One Keeps On Giving

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


As you scramble along in these final days leading up to Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Fuck You Mom and Dad I’m Not Gonna Buy Into Your Corpo-Religious Bullshit Tradition Day, or whatever holiday you happen to hold close to your heart, I thought I’d lend my services in your gift-buying hunt and offer up suggestions for quality, last-minute gifts for your friends and family:
  • “New York Jets Super Bowl Champions 2012″ t-shirts; get ‘em now before they ship them to Somalia to clothe starving children!
  • A “replacement” cat for the one you “accidentally” backed over in your parent’s driveway
  • Paper bag + airplane glue + a little imagination = hours and hours of fun
  • Your Uncle Pat’s lost dignity
  • Don’t think of it as roadkill, think of it as a low-maintenance pet
  • A solid handshake
  • The complete set of Pens from the Banks of Lower Manhattan
  • The DVD box set of the entire series of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila; it’s only like $3 at that gas station DVD bin, you guys!
  • All those packets of soy sauce that have been piling up in your kitchen drawer this past year
  • Don’t think of it as herpes, think of it as a new lifelong companion

December 11, 2012

Trivia Blog: Jurassic Ballpark

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


As I’m dealing with a pre-holiday break crush here at the office, I might not have time to put together the typical long Trivia Night email that normally goes out every Tuesday.  But I do want to leave you with this image:



Dinosaurs are severely fucking up the sports world, you guys.  Raptors having tug-of-wars (tugs of war?), T-rexes causing uproar at golf events (probably seriously pissing off those people who hold up the ‘Quiet Please’ signs at the tee boxes)…  Someone call Steven Spielberg and get his professional opinion on how to stop dinosaurs.  Or, failing that, how to insert Jeff Goldblum to make sarcastic wisecracks about them.  I can only imagine that this new rise in dino/sport crossover will soon lead to headlines like these:
  • T-Rex Hilariously Separates Shoulder After Trying to Dunk with Tiny, Tiny Arms
  • Jets Boost Running Game By Adding Stegosaurus RB, Still Lose
  • Lance Armstrong Stripped of More Titles After Testing Positive for Gallimimus DNA
  • Heat Lose After Lebron Is Literally Eaten Alive By Rampaging Allosaurus
  • Tebow Suspended After Fight with Raptor Over Jesus’ Role in Creating Dinos
  • A-Rod in Hot Water After Photos Leak of Him with Pterodactyl Call Girl

December 4, 2012

Trivia Blog: Put Your Balls on My Tree

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Things I learned/pondered while helping to decorate our apartment for the holiday season…
  • You get the small, fake tree because you know that it’s the most logical choice for a 10th-floor apartment in Manhattan.  But what you really want is a giant tree like the Griswolds had in Christmas Vacation, and it’s amazing that you talk yourself out of it at the last minute.
  • Christmas Vacation is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
  • There are only like 25 Christmas songs, and Bing Crosby did 11 of them.
  • Trying to gift-wrap an irregular-sized box and have it look nice is like trying to fold that fucking fitted bedsheet and have it look nice. Just ball it up and call it a day.
  • It’s oddly festive when your dickhead cat eats ribbon off of wrapped presents and then throws up an hour later, as the cat vomit comes out wrapped like a tiny gift.  Thanks, buddy.
  • Cookies + rum = delicious.
  • There is far too much glitter associated with Christmas decorations. After I was done hanging ornaments on the tree, I looked like I’d just strangled a stripper with my bare hands. Again.
  • You think you understand what you’re supposed to do with a dreidel, but in the end, you don’t.
  • Neither do your Jewish friends, for some reason.
  • Mistletoe just seems sketchy. Hanging something up in your house that allows someone to kiss under person whilst standing underneath it is the holiday equivalent of, “Look what she was wearing, officer. She was askin’ for it.”
  • When you live with someone who’s Christmas decoration-obsessed, 1) you are never right in your opinion as to how the ornaments should be placed, 2) you will have a whole new set of “fancy/guest/pretty” things in your house you’re not allowed to touch (seriously, what the hell are “guest towels,” and when are these fucking people going to finally show up to my home and use them?), and 3) your apartment, much like the lush rainforests of South America, will continue to grow and add more and more decorations every time you come home. It’s festively eerie…
  • Hanging stockings up where you hang your pots and pans is good enough.
  • Don’t use that fake spray canned snow.  At the end of the night, you’ll just end up high as shit with a white-streaked cat.
  • Seriously, Christmas Vacation.