I’ll be (paper)back…
So Arnold Schwarzenegger has a tell-all book, Total Recall, that just came out and is filled to the brim with stories of his life and his many, many daliances with the ladies. Like a lot of you, I’m amazed at times that Arnold even knows how to read, let alone how to form words together in a way that results in an entire book. Apart from Maya Angelou, he’ll certainly be the highest-selling author/bodybuilder in human history. Then again, maybe we sell the guy short, and always have. Bill Burr, one of my favorite comedians, put it better than I ever could in a recent special:
“Because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America. Became famous for lifting weights… Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No, next challenge. I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me. Against all odds he starts making movies… Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. What are you gonna do next Arnie? I think I’ll marry a Kennedy… Bam he does it! Cherry on top, I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce and he wins the election… This dude has been in the zone for over four decades.”
Man’s got a point. Nothing, not even a tumah, could keep me from reading Arnold’s book. If only to have my suspicions confirmed that he ad-libbed every terrible pun he made as Mr. Freeze in that god-awful Batman & Robin movie, I’m reading it. Especially when it comes out in a paperback version expanded with even more revelations. Luckily for you all, I’ve gotten my hands on, well, a handful of Arnold’s even darker, juicier secrets that will be released in the next version of the book (which I hope will be called Kindle All the Way)…
- Arnold originally tried to persuade Sly Stallone and Bruce Willis to call their chain of movie-themed restaurants Better Than Burger King and Also There Are Movie Props Inside, instead of Planet Hollywood.
- Arnold claims that while he never used steroids to achieve his legendary physique, he did take part in some illegal jazzercising.
- Arnold wrote every song on Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet album.
- Arnold, on a dare from California Senator Nancy Pelosi, slipped the word “boobs” into a 2007 speech before the California General Assembly 29 times. No one seemed to notice.
- Arnold started the Chuck Norris story craze on the internet, in hopes that Chuck would let his guard down for just a split second. Chuck has yet to do so.
- Arnold once had a drunken orgy with every principle cast member of Twins. Even Danny DeVito. Especially Danny DeVito.