October 23, 2012

Trivia Blog: Mass. Debating

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Things I learned while watching the Presidential Debates:
  • The face Mitt Romney makes whilst listening to someone is eerily similar to that of the creepy guy who spends way too much time at the playground by himself
  • President Obama will make you his bitch if you go against the transcript
  • Jim Lehler is a sad, sad old man
  • At least one of Mitt Romney’s sons has roofied someone
  • Debates would be better if they were more like Fight Club
  • Candy Crowley is the runaway winner in the “most stripper-esque name while looking the least like an actual stripper” contest
  • Mitt Romney is probably a really big Top Gun fan
  • Ann Romney and Michelle Obama definitely call each other “bitch” behind their backs
  • For President Obama, much like Norv Turner, traveling to Denver is the equivalent of drinking Sleepytime Tea
  • When cornered in a debate, Romney, much like a child being taunted at recess, will run away and call you a meanie head
  • “Please proceed, Governor.” = Badass.

October 16, 2012

Trivia Blog: Seekin' Sketti

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I wonder if they serve sketti at Le Cirque…

Honey Boo Boo.  Why did I ever let myself watch anything featuring someone called Honey Boo Boo…?  I’m still pretty proud of myself, actually.  For so long, I’d gone without watching a single second of Honey motherfuckin’ Boo Boo.  And beyond that, I’d managed to completely avoid the ever-rising, fecal-filled tide of reality shows (unless you count Iron Chef America and Mythbusters, and please don’t) that is threatening to overtake the institution of American television like the limb-dissolving effects of early-onset diabetes.  I knew nothing of normally completely dull occupations like truck driving, pawn shop owning, gator wrasslin’, or whatever the fuck it is those people do with the storage units, and damnit I was proud of that.

But then Honey Boo Boo came along and, like a welfare-collecting, cousin-courting, English language-murdering fog, settled over the American pop culture landscape, worming her way into our hearts like a wad of coronary plaque.  When it got to the point where SNLand South Park skewered it within the same week, I had to take a peek at a few YouTube clips.  It was right around the time that Mama started making sketti, a sad, sad concoction of spaghetti noodles, butter, and ketchup guaranteed to make Honey Boo Boo the world’s youngest heart attack victim, that I realized I had to stop and never again lay eyes on that cherubic little redneck.

What is it with America’s obsession with this show??  They’re speaking English and yet somehow the entire show is subtitled.  The mother looks like a female, human version of the Michelin Man.  This is not the type of shit we should be celebrating, this is an infomercial for why we need Child Services.  When people make Cleatus from The Simpsons look classy and sophisticated, and we’re handing them a show on THE LEARNING CHANNEL, we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.  But at least we got sketti out of this mess.  We’ll always have sketti.

October 9, 2012

Trivia Blog: R.I.P. Rhanny PearlVito

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I blame Arnold, somehow…

Triviagoers, my world has been rocked to its very core upon hearing a bit of devastating news.  Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman are getting divorced, after 30 years together.

It’s not that I have any particular affinity for either of them, although they’re both great (DeVito especially), or that I loved them as a couple in some way above and beyond other couples, or anything like that.  Mostly, I’m upset that I’m losing my buoy of hope in the ever-stormy sea of celebrity couples.  Every time a big split-up would occur, and someone around me would bemoan the ability of any famous pair to stay together in the celebrity world as we now know it, my counter would always be, “Well, at least we’ll always have Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman.”

Because, honestly, has there ever been a more perfect pairing in the realm of celebrity?  And again, not even talking in the emotional/aww-they’re-adorable sense.  What I’m saying is, who else would either of those two ever end up with if not for each other?  He looks like the love child of a leprechaun and a greasy plate of Italian sausage, she looks like the member of a human/bird hybrid race chosen from birth to wed said leprechaun/sausage man.  The list of things that go better together than these two is exactly four items long:
  • Peanut butter and jelly
  • Hall and Oates
  • Bacon and [insert anything]
  • Alex Rodriguez and late-game, crucial-moment strikeouts
That’s it!  And to hear that the split is happening due mainly to DeVito’s “womanizing”…  Not only has that ensured that I may never again get an erection, but it’s completely cheapened the whole industry of publicist-paired matchmaking for me.

October 2, 2012

Trivia Blog: That's So Schwarzenegger

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I’ll be (paper)back…

So Arnold Schwarzenegger has a tell-all book, Total Recall, that just came out and is filled to the brim with stories of his life and his many, many daliances with the ladies.  Like a lot of you, I’m amazed at times that Arnold even knows how to read, let alone how to form words together in a way that results in an entire book.  Apart from Maya Angelou, he’ll certainly be the highest-selling author/bodybuilder in human history.  Then again, maybe we sell the guy short, and always have.  Bill Burr, one of my favorite comedians, put it better than I ever could in a recent special:

“Because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America. Became famous for lifting weights… Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No, next challenge. I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me. Against all odds he starts making movies… Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. What are you gonna do next Arnie? I think I’ll marry a Kennedy… Bam he does it! Cherry on top, I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce and he wins the election… This dude has been in the zone for over four decades.”

Man’s got a point.  Nothing, not even a tumah, could keep me from reading Arnold’s book.  If only to have my suspicions confirmed that he ad-libbed every terrible pun he made as Mr. Freeze in that god-awful Batman & Robin movie, I’m reading it.  Especially when it comes out in a paperback version expanded with even more revelations.  Luckily for you all, I’ve gotten my hands on, well, a handful of Arnold’s even darker, juicier secrets that will be released in the next version of the book (which I hope will be called Kindle All the Way)…
  • Arnold originally tried to persuade Sly Stallone and Bruce Willis to call their chain of movie-themed restaurants Better Than Burger King and Also There Are Movie Props Inside, instead of Planet Hollywood.
  • Arnold claims that while he never used steroids to achieve his legendary physique, he did take part in some illegal jazzercising.
  • Arnold wrote every song on Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet album.
  • Arnold, on a dare from California Senator Nancy Pelosi, slipped the word “boobs” into a 2007 speech before the California General Assembly 29 times.  No one seemed to notice.
  • Arnold started the Chuck Norris story craze on the internet, in hopes that Chuck would let his guard down for just a split second.  Chuck has yet to do so.
  • Arnold once had a drunken orgy with every principle cast member of Twins.  Even Danny DeVito.  Especially Danny DeVito.