September 11, 2012

Trivia Blog: Anony-mistake

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I just hope Danica Patrick’s okay…

So as many of you know, a member of the hacking collective Anonymous allegedly took out Go Daddy for most of yesterday, along with millions of websites hosted on its servers, including a handful that I own or am partnered with (click below to see them up and running now!).  If true, I get why Anonymous would have beef with Go Daddy, who supported the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), a piece of legislation that would severely damage the internet and its millions of cats-doing-funny-shit pictures that we oh so love.  I get it.  But going that far, disrupting the hard work, entertainment outlets, and source of income of thousands and thousands of people who’d normally back Anonymous’s actions (Anonymactions?)… That’s bullshit.  They’re lucky they didn’t take out those crazy coupon lady sites.  Millions of value-seeking moms across America would’ve gone Seal Team 6 on somebody, blazing a bloody path of destruction across the internets to rival that of every Arnold Schwarzenegger revenge movie ever made.

The sad part is, this is almost certainly not over.  Anonymous will find fault with many, many more things going forward, and will exploit security weaknesses and built-in backdoors to further take down various pillars of the internet landscape, mildly to catastrophically affecting the lives of millions upon dozens.  Luckily for you all, though, I happen to have a keen sense of what the future will bring.  Here then, for your internet preparation purposes, are the upcoming attacks to keep an eye out for:
  • November 2012 – Mere days before Election Day, Anonymous uncovers a photo of Mitt Romney and his favorite prostitute walking out of a welfare check cashing office and into an abortion clinic while skipping church on Sunday and makes it the only image shown on  Romney loses in a landslide, and Glenn Beck’s quivering sobs literally cause his head to explode.  Keith Olbermann achieves what will later be revealed to be an 11-day-long erection.
  • January 2013 – Reports surface that Anonymous has taken down MySpace, but it turns out instead that no one’s using the site anymore because it’s completely fucking lame.
  • March 2013 – Anonymous bristles at a cheesy Irish joke written in a Gael Pub Trivia Night email and wipes out Quizmaster Ryan’s cache of trivia questions.  That night, trivia goers at the Gael instead play a massive, marathon game of Twister.  No one seems to notice the difference.
  • May 2013 – Angered by yet another change to the look of the News Feed, Anonymous attempts to take down Facebook, but is stopped by what appears to be a demon from one of the lower circles of Hell that is acting as guard dog.  Hundreds of hackers are mercilessly killed.  Mark Zuckerberg makes another million dollars.  No one knows how Jesse Eisenberg is affected.
  • July 2013 – Lead by General Gangnam Style Guy, Anonymous helps the new South Korean army topple neighboring North Korea with a series of tactical online infrastructure strikes, military incursions, and sweet, sweet dance moves.
  • September 2013 – In a revelation that no one saw coming, it’s announced that Anonymous is actually Rick Moranis, finally answering the question of where in the holy hell Rick Moranis has been for the past 15 years.
(P.S. Somewhere over the course of time it took me to write today’s email, it was reported that Go Daddy’s outage might have actually been caused by an internal fuck up, and not an Anonymous attack.  Not sure if this is true, or if they’re just trying to save face, but I’m both a lazy and busy man, so the email stays as written.  Huzzah!)

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