August 14, 2012

Trivia Blog: Shork! I Mean, Shark!

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

We’re gonna need a bigger Trivia Night…

I wholeheartedly believe that we should get rid of one or two of our lesser national holidays in favor of making Shark Week something that we close offices, banks, and schools in observance of.  My lifelong obsession with the holiest of holy weeks is well documented, and the fact that tonight’s Trivia Night happens to be falling not only within the 25th Anniversary of the Week of Sharks, but also on the monumental release of Jaws (the greatest movie of all time) on Blu-ray, tells me that this will be an amazing night of trivia indeed.

The only drawback to Shark Week (and I’m loathe to ever speak ill of la Semana de Tiburon), of course, is that it brings to mind the fact that these things are potentially waiting to bite you in the face and turn you into Sunday brunch the second you dip a toe in the ocean.  It’s the great double-edged sword of the shark, that something so beautiful and awesome could also be so deadly; like a Victoria’s Secret model running you down with a chainsaw.  This, usually, leads to some SW program detailing tips for staying limbed whilst in the presence of a shark, like “Don’t swim with an open wound” or “Punch a shark in the goddamned nose if it tries to eat you.”  And those are all well and good, but I’m here to provide you with even more, lesser-known shark safety tips.  Pay attention, they could one day save your life (but probably won’t):
  • Sharks are notoriously self-conscious of their weird-looking eyes.  If one approaches you as if to attack, just point at their eyes and laugh.  The shark will be overcome by embarrassment and slink away, leaving you free to complete your game of Marco Polo unmolested.
  • Sharks can’t swim backwards.  Blow their freaking minds by showing them that you can.  This display of underwater grace and dominance will make them think twice about getting all up in your grill.
  • As a prophylactic measure, kidnap a shark’s daughter while she’s on vacation to show the sharks that you’re not to be fooled with.  Pray that you didn’t kidnap the Liam Neeson Shark’s daughter.
  • Keep a taser on your swim suit at all times.  Logic and science say that the resulting electric shock would probably endanger your own life, but badass-ness and drunken bets say otherwise.
  • When a shark charges you, charge it right back.  This may momentarily confuse the shark long enough to allow you to escape.  Or, it may speed your own gruesome death.
  • Four words: Shark Repellent Bat Spray.

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