August 28, 2012

Trivia Blog: Rock Thou Like a Hurricane

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A short play…

God sits at his desk, a towering structure of brass and rich, rich mahogany, discussing the day’s agenda with his secretary, Flo.

Flo:  … and lastly, St. Peter wants to install an intercom system at the Pearly Gates.  He claims he can do his job letting people into Heaven or not just as well [consults her notes] "sitting in my sweet-ass hot tub with a couple of fine honeys and a sixer of Budweiser."
God:  Table it.  I’ll talk to him later.  It is a pretty sweet hot tub, though.
Flo:  I’m sure it is, Mr. G.  Anything else?
God:  Yeah, why have I had such an influx of prayers and credits coming from the Tampa, Florida area on Earth?
Flo:  I believe it’s because the Republican National Convention is happening there next week, sir.  You know how those Republicans like to claim that you guide them in all of their decision-making.
God:  Ugh…  I don’t have time to deal with that kind of mess in my inbox.  It’s bad enough that Glenn Beck prays to me every time he’s trying to decide what to get at the McDonald’s drive-thru, now I’ve got a whole convention full of them to deal with?  Who’s going to be there?
Flo:  Let’s see… [looks at iPad]  The usual suspects, I suppose.  John Boehner…
God:  Crybaby.
Flo:  Chris Christie…
God:  Tubbo.
Flo:  Condoleeza Rice…
God:  [makes growling cat noise]
Flo:  Rick Santorum…
God:  [shudders]  Man, that guy gives me the creeps.
Flo:  She’s not scheduled to appear, but I’m sure Sarah Palin will show up somehow.
God:  Palin? They’re still keeping her around??
Flo:  She’s quite popular in that group, Mr. G.  She says she’s doing your will, that you called her.
God:  Oh my Me, one time!  ONE TIME I called her!  And I told thou, it’s because I was drunk and Sixteen Candles was on TBS and I thought she might want to join me for a late showing.  That doesn’t mean I’m her damned sponsor or anything.  Remind me to carve a “Leave me alone, thou crazy broad” message into an Alaskan mountain soon.
Flo:  Will do, sir.
God:  All right, I can’t deal with this.  It’s bad enough that now the Mormons are back in the mix with Romney leading the ticket, I don’t need some jackass mentioning me and rape-abortions, or whatever, in the same sentence.  You know what?  Schedule a hurricane to head towards Tampa, maybe that will make them scatter.
Flo:  Are you sure, sir?  Every time you do one of those, people get pretty upset.
God:  Desperate times, Flo, my dear.  Desperate times.  Plus, I want to see if hurricane-level winds will make a dent in that sculpture that Romney calls a hairdo.
Flo:  Very good, Mr. G.
God:  Take the rest of the day off, Flo.  I’m going to join St. Peter in that hot tub of his.

The End

August 21, 2012

Trivia Blog: Gary in Gotham City

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

“I was wondering what would break first.  Your spirit, or your body.  Or your city’s public works budget.”

After seeing The Dark Knight Rises again, I got to thinking…  Gotham City seems like a terrible place to live.  Every week, there’s some new supervillain hatching a plot to destroy the city or engaging in some sort of mega-sized battle with Batman that leaves the area in ruins.  It’s laughably overcrowded.  There’s a seemingly very-easy-to-break-out-of prison for the dangerously criminally insane literally right in the middle of the town.  A police force that numbers in the tens of thousands is constantly upstaged by and made to look inferior to a guy in a rubber suit.  And the city clearly stole all of its layout and design plans from New York and Chicago.

It makes you wonder, What’s it like to be an average, ordinary citizen of Gotham City?  Luckily for you all, I know the answer: Gary.  Or Gary in Gotham City, to be more specific.  I’ve been lucky enough to find excerpts from the diary of a man forced to share his city with Batman, which will be added a few times a week (to www.garyingothamcity.blogspot.com) for your reading pleasure.  Let Gary show you what it’s like to be one of the fortunate residents of what, if Batman stops ruining it, is the greatest city in the world.  Be sure to check every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to see if Gary’s updated us all with what’s happening in Gotham.  A preview of some of Gary’s entries:

August 20th – My brother Jerry called from Spokane to tell me that he was having a hard time dealing with his insurance company after a pretty nasty hail storm damaged some of his roof shingles.  I thought about telling him how my entire apartment building was destroyed after the Penguin drove a giant mechanical polar bear through half the city, but I didn’t want to add to his already extensive troubles.
September 13th – Batman transported to another dimension with Superman for the past two weeks.  While he was gone, Mr. Freeze attacked the city, leaving something like 200 people encased inside blocks of ice.  Not sure if they’ll survive or not.  I know that my taxes pay for an entire police force, I’m just not sure what it is that they do.
September 21st – My wife died today after a broken piece of railway support fell and crushed her during a fight between Batman and the Scarecrow.  But, Batman locked him up and learned an important lesson about dealing with his parents’ death in the end, so I guess all’s not lost.
October 1st – ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!
October 3rd – Things are slowly getting back to normal after the Mad Hatter used a massive mind-control device to enslave the entire population of Gotham City.
October 25th – Seriously, where are the fucking police that my taxes pay for??!!

August 14, 2012

Trivia Blog: Shork! I Mean, Shark!

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

We’re gonna need a bigger Trivia Night…

I wholeheartedly believe that we should get rid of one or two of our lesser national holidays in favor of making Shark Week something that we close offices, banks, and schools in observance of.  My lifelong obsession with the holiest of holy weeks is well documented, and the fact that tonight’s Trivia Night happens to be falling not only within the 25th Anniversary of the Week of Sharks, but also on the monumental release of Jaws (the greatest movie of all time) on Blu-ray, tells me that this will be an amazing night of trivia indeed.

The only drawback to Shark Week (and I’m loathe to ever speak ill of la Semana de Tiburon), of course, is that it brings to mind the fact that these things are potentially waiting to bite you in the face and turn you into Sunday brunch the second you dip a toe in the ocean.  It’s the great double-edged sword of the shark, that something so beautiful and awesome could also be so deadly; like a Victoria’s Secret model running you down with a chainsaw.  This, usually, leads to some SW program detailing tips for staying limbed whilst in the presence of a shark, like “Don’t swim with an open wound” or “Punch a shark in the goddamned nose if it tries to eat you.”  And those are all well and good, but I’m here to provide you with even more, lesser-known shark safety tips.  Pay attention, they could one day save your life (but probably won’t):
  • Sharks are notoriously self-conscious of their weird-looking eyes.  If one approaches you as if to attack, just point at their eyes and laugh.  The shark will be overcome by embarrassment and slink away, leaving you free to complete your game of Marco Polo unmolested.
  • Sharks can’t swim backwards.  Blow their freaking minds by showing them that you can.  This display of underwater grace and dominance will make them think twice about getting all up in your grill.
  • As a prophylactic measure, kidnap a shark’s daughter while she’s on vacation to show the sharks that you’re not to be fooled with.  Pray that you didn’t kidnap the Liam Neeson Shark’s daughter.
  • Keep a taser on your swim suit at all times.  Logic and science say that the resulting electric shock would probably endanger your own life, but badass-ness and drunken bets say otherwise.
  • When a shark charges you, charge it right back.  This may momentarily confuse the shark long enough to allow you to escape.  Or, it may speed your own gruesome death.
  • Four words: Shark Repellent Bat Spray.