July 24, 2012

Trivia Blog: Was Van Halen Trying to Tell Us Something...?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Quick! Someone play that Third Eye Blind song about jumping...

If you ventured over to the Huffington Post today, you might have caught this story about cops talking a man down from jumping off of the Verrazano Bridge after he got into a fight with his 18-year-old daughter.  What you might not have known, however, is that I was the one who was called in to talk to this poor fellow.  Here, for your reading pleasure, is a portion of that conversation's transcript:  

Me:  Wow, you sure know how to keep people in suspension.  
Guy:  What...??  
Me:  Nothing, it's a bridge joke.  Suspension is a type of bridge, one that...  Nevermind.  How you doing today, sir?  
Guy:  She kept yelling at me!  
Me:  Who did?  
Guy:  My daughter!  She's 18.  We had a fight.  I tried to talk to her, but, but she just wouldn't listen.  You know how kids are.
Me:  Actually, no, I don't have kids.  My life is full of me just doing what I want to do, sleeping in until whenever I want, using my money for vacations and buying cool shit for myself.  It's pretty great.  
Guy:  Oh...  
Me:  You know what, forgot all of that.  I'm hearing what I just said and I think it might make you more depressed, and that kind of defeats the purpose of what I'm doing here.  What's your daughter's name?  
Guy:  Ashley.  
Me:  Ashley... Is that with a "Y" or is it one of those weird spellings that ends with an "I" or an "IGH"?  
Guy:  No, with a "Y."  
Me:  Okay, good.  If you'd named your daughter "Ashlii" or something, you might not be worth saving.  But again, sorry, shooting myself in the foot here.  What'd you two fight about?  It's okay, you can truss me.  
Guy:  You mean, I can "trust" you?
Me:  No, I said "truss."  It's another bridge term.  I'm a fan of bridge-related humor.  Yeah, I like to have fun.  Go on, tell me your story.  
Guy:  It's stupid.  
Me:  No such thing as stupid fights, sir.  Just stupid people.  You can tell me.  Come on, take a leap of faith.  
Guy:  Well, we were--  
Me:  You know what?  I'm sorry, I have to apologize again.  I shouldn't have said "take a leap of faith."  Poor choice of words.  You know, because you might jump to your death.  Forget I said that.  Go on with your story.  
Guy:  O-okay...  We were just sitting down to watch TV after dinner and I switched on the Mets game, which I always do because we both love the Mets.  But then she said that she didn't like the Mets anymore because she just broke up with some guy who was a big Mets fan and that the Mets could go to hell.  
Me:  The Mets are in Flushing, sir, they're already there.  
Guy:  I- I don't... Anyways, she said that she wanted to watch some show about teen moms or something, and when I tried to tell her that we'd always watched the Mets together, she just kept yelling at me and then--  
Me:  Sir?  
Guy:  Wh-what?  
Me:  Was this whole fight basically about watching the Mets versus watching the MTV program Teen Mom?  
Guy:  I mean, for the most part, but it--  
Me:  Sir, this story is incredibly boring.  I think I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.  
Guy:  You're going...?  But...  You are really bad at your job.  
Me:  Yeah, I'm not really what you'd call an "actual police officer," per se.  I just saw something happening on the bridge and--  
Actual Police Officer:  Hey!  What are you doing up there?!  
Me:  Gotta go sir.  My arch nemesis just showed up...  
Guy: ...  
Me:  Really?  Nothing?  Arch...?  Because you're on a bridge...?

The End.

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