July 17, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Pain of Sweat Stains

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I’m sweating like Lindsay Lohan two days into withdrawal over here…

It’s hot outside, folks.  I don’t need to tell you this.  But I did anyways.  Because I can.  What better way for you to cool off and rest your sweaty asses than by coming to the AC-cooled confines of the Gael Pub for another kickass Trivia Night?  You shouldn’t suffer needlessly through yet another heat wave; too many are already.  Our homeless sweat while wearing everything they own on their backs, the hermit crabs of the human race.  Al Roker sweats in Rockefeller Center while delivering the weather report as the fat man who still lives deep within him fights to break free like The Hulk.  Our Upper East Side housewives struggle to keep their faces together as the temperature rises, threatening to have their faces melt like that G.I. Joe I put in our microwave when I was a kid, ruining what was up until then a perfectly good household appliance.

Don’t let these things happen to you.  There are numerous ways to beat the heat, and many outside of the normal ones you’re used to.  Why go for a dip in a urine-saturated public pool or give ConEd hundreds more of your dollar sitting in your air conditioned apartment when you can try these foolproof ways to stay cool:
  • Hop inside one of the freezers that hold the bags of ice in a Duane Reade.  See how long you can last before you lose feeling in your limbs or an employee threatens to call the police.
  • Go see an estranged sibling who you haven’t seen since The Incident.  You know the one.  The cold shoulder that they give you will leave you nice and frosty.
  • Three words: Ice pack underpants.  Your genitalia may crawl deeper inside your body than a gerbil vacationing inside Richard Gere, but you’ll be chillier than a ball-less polar bear.
  • Put one of those misting fans that sit on the sidelines of NFL games in your living room.  Sure, you’ll ruin every piece of furniture and electronics you own and will severely hamper your chances of getting lucky after your next date, but how fucking awesome are those fans??
  • Stare deep into the eyes of the poor bastard who’s portraying the 11th of 12 different Elmos in Times Square, the one who gets stuck over by the strip club that no parents take their kids near.  The loneliness inherent in that guy’s soul will chill you to the bone.

1 comment:

armpit sweating said...

I think over sweating in our body that is one reason tight shirts will also mop up any under arm sweat that you have so it's a double strike. Loose fitting shirts allow for airflow and don't catch all of your underarm sweat.