June 26, 2012

Trivia Blog: Does This Napkin Smell Like Chloroform to You?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I get the feeling this guy has a run-in with Chris Hanson in his future…

So the other day, a friend of mine pointed me to this video of a guy named Alex McCray giving his can’t-fail tips for flirting with girls, as he helpfully adds, “in bars or clubs.”  Watch this video.  Now.  Please.  It contains four of the most entertaining, unsettling minutes that you could ever bring into your life.  I’ll wait for you to get back.

Done?  Good.  Now let’s talk about this creepy-ass dude.

Let’s try, first of all, to put a few key points aside.  Let’s put aside that totally sweet soul patch.  Let’s put aside that not-at-all-scary-as-hell stare he gives the camera for the first four seconds of the video, which I’m sure was the last thing a handful of unfortunate ladies saw before everything went black and the FBI had to get involved.  Let’s put aside the fact that while trying to make a metaphor about how you should be loose and imaginative when talking to a woman, he states that little kids are the best flirts in the world.  Let’s put aside his advice to break the ice whilst macking on some honey you JUST met by cheerily talking about who will get what in your imaginary divorce.  Let’s put aside his stone-cold smooth pick-up line, wherein he talks about how some girl’s eyes are like blueberries and that he wants to eat them (because that just gets your juices a-flowin’, right ladies?).  And let’s put aside his FURTHER advice to capitalize on said eye-eating line by talking about wanting to make a cake out of her eyes and how it would give her a hilarious medical condition because she’d have no eyes, even though that’s not a medical condition because that’s mutilation you fucking PSYCHO.

Let’s consider the fact that Hannibal Lecter Alex might be on to something here.  Maybe, in his element at a bar or club, he’s some badass combination of George Clooney, Channing Tatum, and Lionel Ritchie’s jheri curl all rolled into one personal space-invading, soul-patch-combing package.  Maybe I shouldn’t knock his style, but instead try to help him out, so that he can spread his love to women and Special Victims Units across the country.  Here’s a few more tips for Alex and other men trying to follow in his probably-wrapped-in-plastic-to-leave-no-trace footsteps:
  • Using low-grade insults, or “negging,” is a good way to undermine a woman’s confidence to help you seem more assertive and make her more vulnerable to your advances.  Try leading off your flirt with something like, “I bet you don’t have a lot of friends or other people who would be concerned about your whereabouts if you suddenly disappeared for a few weeks.”
  • Girls like guys who are athletic and strong.  Show off your muscles and compliment her physique by lifting her up and telling her how easy it would be to carry her around or toss her into a car trunk.
  • Compliment, compliment, compliment.  You cannot tell a girl enough nice things.  Tell her how pretty her smile is, or how her skin is really smooth and would make a great sofa.
  • Pick-up lines don’t always have to be cheesy.  Try something like, “Are you an angel?  Because god speaks to me personally and has chosen me to be the living embodiment of his wrath and he never mentioned you.”
  • Make sure, when showing a girl your apartment for the first time, you point out the thickness of the walls, the poor quality of cell phone reception, the lack of proximity to police and other emergency centers, and that the inside door handle is particularly tricky to open in a panic-fueled hurry.

No comments: