June 26, 2012

Trivia Blog: Does This Napkin Smell Like Chloroform to You?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I get the feeling this guy has a run-in with Chris Hanson in his future…

So the other day, a friend of mine pointed me to this video of a guy named Alex McCray giving his can’t-fail tips for flirting with girls, as he helpfully adds, “in bars or clubs.”  Watch this video.  Now.  Please.  It contains four of the most entertaining, unsettling minutes that you could ever bring into your life.  I’ll wait for you to get back.

Done?  Good.  Now let’s talk about this creepy-ass dude.

Let’s try, first of all, to put a few key points aside.  Let’s put aside that totally sweet soul patch.  Let’s put aside that not-at-all-scary-as-hell stare he gives the camera for the first four seconds of the video, which I’m sure was the last thing a handful of unfortunate ladies saw before everything went black and the FBI had to get involved.  Let’s put aside the fact that while trying to make a metaphor about how you should be loose and imaginative when talking to a woman, he states that little kids are the best flirts in the world.  Let’s put aside his advice to break the ice whilst macking on some honey you JUST met by cheerily talking about who will get what in your imaginary divorce.  Let’s put aside his stone-cold smooth pick-up line, wherein he talks about how some girl’s eyes are like blueberries and that he wants to eat them (because that just gets your juices a-flowin’, right ladies?).  And let’s put aside his FURTHER advice to capitalize on said eye-eating line by talking about wanting to make a cake out of her eyes and how it would give her a hilarious medical condition because she’d have no eyes, even though that’s not a medical condition because that’s mutilation you fucking PSYCHO.

Let’s consider the fact that Hannibal Lecter Alex might be on to something here.  Maybe, in his element at a bar or club, he’s some badass combination of George Clooney, Channing Tatum, and Lionel Ritchie’s jheri curl all rolled into one personal space-invading, soul-patch-combing package.  Maybe I shouldn’t knock his style, but instead try to help him out, so that he can spread his love to women and Special Victims Units across the country.  Here’s a few more tips for Alex and other men trying to follow in his probably-wrapped-in-plastic-to-leave-no-trace footsteps:
  • Using low-grade insults, or “negging,” is a good way to undermine a woman’s confidence to help you seem more assertive and make her more vulnerable to your advances.  Try leading off your flirt with something like, “I bet you don’t have a lot of friends or other people who would be concerned about your whereabouts if you suddenly disappeared for a few weeks.”
  • Girls like guys who are athletic and strong.  Show off your muscles and compliment her physique by lifting her up and telling her how easy it would be to carry her around or toss her into a car trunk.
  • Compliment, compliment, compliment.  You cannot tell a girl enough nice things.  Tell her how pretty her smile is, or how her skin is really smooth and would make a great sofa.
  • Pick-up lines don’t always have to be cheesy.  Try something like, “Are you an angel?  Because god speaks to me personally and has chosen me to be the living embodiment of his wrath and he never mentioned you.”
  • Make sure, when showing a girl your apartment for the first time, you point out the thickness of the walls, the poor quality of cell phone reception, the lack of proximity to police and other emergency centers, and that the inside door handle is particularly tricky to open in a panic-fueled hurry.

June 19, 2012

Trivia Blog: Hallmark Would Be Proud

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

As we look back on another Father’s Day come and gone, and you think about the humdrum cards you all might have sent your dad’s way, allow me to offer some assistance for the next time the holiday rolls around.  Here, free of charge, are some words you can incorporate into some homemade cards for next year’s Father’s Day.  Feel free to use macaroni shells and glitter as you see fit…

You’re the best Dad in the world,
you tell me you’ll be there ’til the end.
Even though I wrecked your ’67 Mustang
and drunkenly groped your new girlfriend.

D is for Dad, because you’re my Dad.
A is for Awesome, because you are Awesome.
D is also for Dad, because you sent me to public schools and I’m not very creative.

Roses are red,
Rain clouds are grey.
I’m sorry, but your jokes are stupid,
and also, I’m gay.
Just thought I’d kill two birds here…

I drew you this picture…

because I want you to know that I know how empty our home life really is.  Way to go, Dad.  (Also, I’m 37 and I’ve drawn like this my whole life.  Shouldn’t you have noticed that I’m not developing properly?)

I know I was never the star quarterback,
and I couldn’t hit a curveball to save my life.
But I’m pretty sure I made you proud
when I made that hot stripper my wife.

June 12, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Not-So-Golden Girl

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

“And the card attached would say, ‘Thank you for being the Presideeeeent.’”…

My dear triviagoers, I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from my move back to the Upper East Side this weekend and all of the lifting and cursing and unpacking and Ikea tripping that went along with it.  I was even prepared to forego the writing of this week’s trivia email, until I saw this why-did-this-happen-who-cares-it’s-awesome photo/story about Betty White going to the White House to meet with President Obama.

I have no idea what prompted this visit, but I can only hope that at least some of the following exchanges occurred while she was there:

Barack:  Ms. White, I’m so glad you could come to the White House.  I was a huge fan of The Golden Girls.
Betty:  Ah, that show sucked.  I only did it because I lost a bet with the showrunner at a cockfight in Mexico.
Barack:  Um…

Betty:  Did you ever see Lake Placid?
Barack:  That one you were in with the giant alligator in the lake?  Yeah, that was a great movie!
Betty:  Movie…?

Barack:  It must’ve been something to work with Bea Arthur.
Betty:  Oh, definitely.  Bea was one funny dude.
Barack:  I think you mean “lady.”
Betty:  No I don’t.

Betty:  You know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been to the White House.
Barack:  Oh really?
Betty:  Oh yeah.  FDR used to send a car for me all the time.  He was a BIG fan of me.  And of course he would be, seeing as how his wife looked like a baked cow pie.  Those were nights that will live in infamy, if you catch my drift…
Barack:  I’m not sure that I do.
Betty:  How do you think he wound up in that wheelchair?
Barack:  Um…

June 5, 2012

Trivia Blog: Let's Zom-Be Friends

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

 So let’s talk about zombies…

It’s been a banner year or so for the shuffling undead.  Between the success of The Walking Dead on AMC, the seemingly never-ending run of Robert Kirkman’s source comic of the same name, a bevy of successful video games and movies, and an exhaustive list of zombie-related Halloween costume ideas, the reanimated have never had it quite so good.  But this isn’t luck.  Not by a long shot.  Zombies were smart and they were patient.  They bided their time as the world went through its back-and-forth vampire and werewolf phases, knowing full well that people could only take so much of that dead-eyed stare of Kristen Stewart and that anything called “Teen Wolf” is worthless if it doesn’t feature Michael J. Fox dunking on a comically undersized basketball rim.

And so now it’s zombies’ time to bask (rot?) in the glow of the upper echelons of popular culture.  So much so that they seem to be appearing in real life, too.  At this point, we’ve all heard of the zombie-riffic story of the doped-up homeless dude in Miami noshing on the face of one of his fellow men, a grisly piece of news that spawned A) a bunch of “Zombies are for reals, you guys!” reactions and B) about 20 team names during last week’s Trivia Night.  And as this follow-up piece in Gawker points out, it does seem as if, over the last couple months, the Sunshine State has become the epicenter for a proper zombie outbreak.  But as much as I want to put my zombie survival tactics knowledge to use (thanks, Max Brooks!), I gotta call bullshit on this, folks.  No way do the undead choose Florida as their base of operations.  For one, that kind of humidity would do a number on the bodies of what are basically slowly rotting corpses.  For another, the elderly have already staked their claim as the top-dog slow-moving, horrifying group in that state.  And zombies, oddly enough, don’t mind paying income tax, so that holds no appeal for them.

So if not Florida, what state would be a better fit for the zombie home base?  Let’s break down the contenders:

  • Hawaii - Sure, it’s remote enough that an outbreak there could go unnoticed for a while, and if Lost has shown us anything, it’s that some wacky shit can go down in Hawaii, but it’s literally an island(s) in the middle of nowhere.  If they wanted to spread their reach to mainland USA or elsewhere, they’re facing a loooong walk under water, which can be a pain even for beings that don’t need to breathe.  Think of the riptides.
  • Alaska - Same issue as Hawaii, only sub out the long trek across the floor of the Pacific for the frozen wastes of the Yukon.  Even the Mounties could stop a wave of popsicle-ized zombies.  We’re going to have to go contiguous United States for this one, I think.
  • Arizona - The dry heat solves the problems posed by Florida’s humidity, but zombies would basically be foreigners in Arizona, and if Arizona has taught us anything over the recent years, it’s that they don’t take kindly to strangers.
  • New York - If the zombie horde could make its way to our fair city, they’d have an 8 million person-sized buffet in close quarters waiting for them, but zombies would have trouble navigating the city with no source of income as the MTA continues to hike up subway fares.  And some of them would be forced to go to Buffalo, which would kill the spirits of even the undead.
  • Texas - See: Arizona.
  • Pennsylvania - A state that would actually elect someone like Rick Santorum to consecutive Senate terms has to be dumb enough to be conquered by zombies, right?  But then you remember that Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania, and if there’s anyone drunk and angry enough to take down an army of the undead, it’s Philadelphia sports fans.
  • California - Would you want to face the wrath of immigrant workers who think you’re trying to encroach on their territory?  Zombies wouldn’t, either.
  • Wyoming - The lowest population density in America means wide open spaces and room to grow.  Plus, when’s the last time you ever really paid attention to Wyoming?  By the time we realized what was happening, they could have amassed an army AND learned how to ride horses.  And nothing’s scarier than a zombie on a horse.  I think we have a winner.