May 1, 2012

Trivia Blog: Battleshit

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

You sunk my faith in marketable, well-written original screenplays…

So the calendar has once again turned and brought us into the month of May and all the goodness that comes with it.  The NHL and NBA playoffs will carry on, with the Rangers hopefully being cheered on to the Stanley Cup by everyone sitting at home in New York (including the Knicks).  Soon we’ll be free of the lingering cold and rain of March and April and be awash in the slightly warmer cold and rain of May.  In a mere 5 days, I’ll turn the ripe old age of 29, and spend the next 365 days staring into the yawning chasm that is my 30s.  And, perhaps most importantly of all, in just a few weeks we’ll all be witness to the cinematic wonder that is the action-packed, big-screen adaptation of the not-at-all-action-packed board game, Battleship.

It’s a sad state of affairs when we’re turning to board games to help fill up our movie marquees.  I could go on about how pathetic this is when so many writers with innovative, original script ideas are turned away in favor of a few pieces of property-licensed plastic.  I could go on about how this is looking like a not-so-great year for Taylor Kitsch, who’s relying on the box office draw of Battleship to help save his marketability following the epic failure of his other 2012 entry, John Carter.  (Although if this leads to another season of Friday Night Lights, I’ll gladly root for his continued cinematic failure.)  Instead, I think I’ll embrace the coming change and try to milk some of that Hollywood money for myself, as I present my ideas for the next board game movie adaptations:

Operation: The Movie
The Pitch:  If the never-ending Saw/Hostel franchises have taught me anything, it’s that graphically horrific, torturous violence is box office gold.  (Just don’t show any boobs.  THAT is where they draw the line.)  This seems to be the way a movie based on Operation would go; it’s literally a game in which you harvest organs from a clearly terrified, non-anesthetized man.  I envision a movie where a psychotic, disgraced surgeon stalks unsuspecting victims under the delusion that he must remove things like “Butterflies in the Stomach” and “Writer’s Cramp,” maladies that definitely have not been recognized by the American Medical Association.  And only Mark Wahlberg can stop him.  Or something.
The Tagline: The doctor is in.  Your time is out.

Chinese Checkers: The Movie
The Pitch:  I see this as a ripped-from-the-headlines global thriller.  The marbles being jumped over in a game of Chinese Checkers will here represent our American economy, stuck in stasis while our debt-holding Chinese counterparts surge ahead of us towards economic supremacy. And, for some reason, Chris Tucker co-stars.
The Tagline:  Hey, where’d our money go…?

Pictionary: The Movie
The Pitch:  Channing Tatum stars as a hotshot lawyer who doesn’t fully appreciate his longtime fiancee, played by Kate Hudson or Rachel McAdams or Anne Hathaway or whoever’s free in the rotating cast of rom-com female leads.  A terrible accident leaves Tatum’s character unable to speak, and he discovers that the only way he can communicate is through the drawing of pictures.  Along the way, he learns how to love his lady again, how to prioritize what’s really important in life, and that it’s really hard to draw hands.
The Tagline:  Picture your life in a whole new way.  (OR:  Ladies… Shirtless Channing Tatum?  Eh?  Eh?)

Mouse Trap: The Movie
The Pitch:  It’s basically just Ratatouille 2, but Pixar wanted to suck in the extra licensing rights and the money that would come from the merchandising.  Also, this avoids the awkwardness of the inevitable “Rata-2-ille” posters that the marketing department would generate.
The Tagline:  GIVE US YOUR MONEY!!

Ouija Board: The Movie
The Pitch:  Wait… This is already a movie in development?  This isn’t like a parody movie that the Wayanses are doing, or, like, a porn version…? I was just joking around, but really, Michael Bay…?
The Tagline:  You people will see anything, won’t you?

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