April 10, 2012

Trivia Blog: Sub-Ways and Means

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

“The next stop will be… Go Fuck Yourself.”

I firmly believe that there is a special ring of Hell devoted entirely to people who don’t abide by socially accepted subway etiquette.  (That’s “subway” with a small s.  There’s a whole ‘nother section of Hell reserved for those who break the social rules of Subway, the sandwich restaurant.  You don’t get to order five separate sandwiches when there are ten people in line behind you, hoss.)  You know the people I’m talking about.  As New Yorkers, we suffer through this crap all the time.

But since the MTA seems to only exist to regularly jack up our commuter fees and not police their most scurrilous offenders, it’s clearly fallen on me to establish the punishments going forward for these mass transit malefactors.  Here, then, is an abridged version of what I can only hope will be added to the New York City law books in the near future:

Crime:  Forcing yourself into a freshly opened subway car before allowing riders to exit.
Punishment:  The people trying to exit are allowed to pick you up and carry you with them to wherever their destination is.  If they’re going somewhere to eat, you’ve gotta go halfsies on that shit.  If they’re going dress shopping, you have to convincingly tell them how great their ass looks in that red strapless number.  If you are too heavy for them to pick up, they get to shame you for your weight problem.

Crime:  Giving your bag a place on the subway by giving it a seat that someone else could take.
Punishment:  Your bag gets to take your place in other areas of your life.  It gets any raises or bonuses you’re due to receive, it gets to take all of the points you’ve accumulated on your Starbucks card, it gets to take your spot in your weekly laser tag league, and it gets to make sweet, sweet love to your wife.  While you watch.

Crime:  Talking too loudly on a cell phone.
Punishment:  Your phone will be melted down and turned into mini statue replica of you bearing a nameplate that says, “Asshole.”

Crime:  Talking too loudly to a friend.
Punishment:  Your friend will be melted down and turned into slightly larger statue replica of you bearing a nameplate that says, “Asshole.”

Crime:  Playing loud mariachi music or other mini-concerts during the early morning rush hour period.
Punishment:  Your guitars will be ripped from your hands and smashed, a la Bluto in Animal House.

Crime:  Performing some sort dance/circus act in an already crowded subway car.
Punishment:  SWAT team members will kidnap you and take you to a nearby military air base, from which you’ll be transported to perform your dance routines for the highest-bidding foreign billionaire.  While wearing Leia’s slave bikini from Return of the Jedi.

Crime:  Leaning against a pole on a crowded car, thus preventing other people from hanging on for balance.
Punishment:  Those who are unable to grab the pole (insert pole-grabbing joke here) will vote on which person in the car is the sweatiest, smelliest, and/or most likely to carry a contagious fungal skin disorder.  This person will then lean on you for the duration of your ride while whispering in your ear about what a pretty mouth you have.

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