April 3, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Moose-iah

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

He’s the Son of God, and he loves the music of Bryan Adams and a good slapshot…

By now, most of you have probably seen or at least heard of this amazing video of drunken Canadian Robert Wilkinson serenading his arresting officer with a nearly perfect, if beer rage-fueled, rendition of Queen’s timeless classic, “Bohemian Rhapdody.”  If you haven’t, take 6 minutes to just make your life better and watch (hopefully the video appears in a separate area at the bottom of the email, unless Gmail fails yet again).

Some view Robert as a cult/folk hero; a sort of Molson-infused, shaggy Bob Dylan, using the power of music to rattle the cages thrust around him by an authoritarian regime.  Others view him as just another drunk fool; Nick Nolte on a regular Tuesday night.  Others look at this as an example that Canadian beer really is like moonshine.  But not me.  I’m convinced that Robert Wilkinson is actually Jesus Christ, come back to Earth for the Second Coming.  Hear me out.

The beard/long hair combo, of course, is the first dead giveaway.  If Jesus chooses to pull a Van Halen and make a long-awaited comeback after a 2,000-year absence, he’s going to stick to the look that people know him by, whether from church wall art, those candles on the back shelf of a bodega, or a piece of toast in Missoula.  You don’t change an iconic look.  I mean, if Rick Moranis decides to make a comeback to the realm of acting (and really, Rick, it’s time at this point), he’s not going to come back as a chiseled, tall, striking mountain of masculinity and panty-melting swagger, right?  No, he’s going to come back as the geeky, bespectacled, goofy bastard whose scientific experiments constantly put his children in mortal danger.  That’s the Rick we know and love.  The same applies for Robert/Jesus.

Apart from the physical, just take a listen to his opening statement, or sermon, if you will.  After initially deploring the officer’s use of violence (very reminiscent of Christ’s parables and early teachings against the idea of an eye for an eye, etc.), he starts to give a very passionate speech about the “brotherhood of man on the planet Earth.”  If that’s not Jesus, then I don’t know Jesus.  He even appears to slip into speaking in tongues right around the 0:18 mark.

Once he starts into his passionate deliverance of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” the lyrics shed further light on his saintly secret identity.  Remember, Robert/Jesus could’ve picked any song to use for his police car karaoke (police caraoke?) sermon; “Your Own Personal Jesus” or “Jesus Was a Crossmaker” spring readily to mind.  But no, he chose to pick a song with lyrics like “Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see” and “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.”  I don’t need Nic Cage to help me crack that code, Lord.

Also, look at the state of beatific calm he slips into after he finishes his song and replaces his glasses (nice try, Jesus, we know you have perfect vision and that those are just fashion specs).  That is the face of a deity who knows he just dropped some knowledge, son.  He then finishes his time in the car with a message that spoke, on the surface, to his desire not to be forced into handcuffs, but really was an encapsulation of everything that he’s about: “Physical violence is the least of my priorities.”  We know, Jesus.  We know.

Was he drunk?  Maybe.  Maybe after so many years away from Earth his Jesus powers are a little beyond his control, he treated himself to a bottle of Evian, and internally converted that water into wine, unwittingly pushing himself into an Amy Winehouse-level state of inebriation.  It was an honest mistake.  No need to crucify him for it.  Again.  The important thing is the message.  And that message was, “Yea, I have come back to Earth to bring about a new era of peace, love, and brotherhood, my children.  Also, I could really use some buffalo wings right now.”

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