March 6, 2012

Trivia Blog: Broad-why?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

This idea should’ve been over before the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor…

My dear triviagoers, I apologize if this here email gets out to you a bit later than usual; I’m scrambling to put everything together and think of a good opening blog topic after spending the last five days visiting family in Florida, playing many rounds of golf, trying to avoid a sunburn, and drinking enough rum to drown Keith Richards in.  While looking over my usual news sites in an attempt to find something to write about, I debated maybe wading into the Super Tuesday waters, or perhaps commenting on Kirk Cameron’s odd damnation of all things gay (didn’t the Growing Pains theme song teach you anything, Kirk?), or possibly being the 500th person to take a shot at overweight drug addict Rush Limbaugh and his latest foot-in-fat-mouth debacle.

But then I saw that, for some reason, Animal House, possibly the funniest movie ever made apart from Caddyshack, is going to be adapted into a Broadway musical, complete with music by totally relevant band The Barenaked Ladies.  Schwa?  Belated, unoriginal, and potentially terrible is no way to go through life, son.  But I suppose this is the trend lately; everything from Back to the Future to Big Fish to Austin Powers is reportedly in development as a show on the Great White Way.  Considering that they make movies out of 21 Jump Street, the “Shit My Dad Says” Twitter feed, and goddamned Battleship, why wouldn’t we expect the powers-that-be to make musicals out of the movies we love?  Who knows, maybe it’ll even be good; Young Frankenstein: The Musical and Spamalot were hilarious, and The Barenaked Ladies have at least semi-recently given us the great theme song for The Big Bang Theory.  I’ll wait and see.

But it got me thinking… What’s next?  Is there any piece of cinema history that we won’t soon see prancing and singing its way across a stage?  And if so, can I find a good idea and sell it for millions?  Here, then, are my bold (and probably misguided) predictions for movie adaptations that thousands of tourists will someday wait hours upon hours at the Tkts booth line to see on Broadway:

127 Hours: The Musical
Reasoning:  You say audiences won’t respond to an adaptation of a movie where basically the one and only character is pinned under a rock for 90% of the story before being forced to brutally amputate his own arm to escape?  I say you ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen Armie the Arm, the most adorable puppet amputated arm character you’ve seen since… well ever!  Once Armie flops his way on-screen and those two start up with the witty banter, audiences will delight in the best Broadway duo since The Producers.
Marquee Musical Numbers:  “Why, Oh Why (Didn’t I Bring a Cell Phone or a Flare Gun or Something?)”, “Mostly ‘armless”, “Oh Danny Boy(le, the director of 127 Hours)”
Tagline: Come for the Lack of Set Changes, Stay for the Dismemberment!

Old Yeller: The Musical
Reasoning:  It’s Disney!
Marquee Musical Numbers:  “It’s a Doggone Shame”, “Leave Your Sorrows Behind (the Shed)”
Tagline: How’re You Feeling?  Good?  Not for Long!

Schindler’s List: The Musical
Reasoning:  Broadway and Hollywood saw a nice bit of crossover success this year with the film adaptation of the hit play War Horse, which to date has raked in more than $80 million at the box office.  In that regard, why not come back with the Spielberg magic and do a reverse War Horse by bringing one of his classic films to the stage?  But to keep the difficulty level up, let’s not go with an easy adaptation like E.T. or Jurassic Park.  Instead, let’s go with the Oscar-winning story of how Oskar Schindler defied Hitler himself and saved thousands of Jews by employing them in his factory.  Who could possibly object to this totally-not-somber-at-all story being set to finger-snapping, toe-tapping musical numbers?
Marquee Musical Numbers:  “My Fair Führer”, “Jew’ve Got a Friend in Me”, “Top of the List! (And I Feel Fine)”
Tagline: Too Soon?  Yes.  Yes It Is.

Rocky: The Musical
Reasoning:  Who wouldn’t love to see th– Wait, what?  They’re actually adapting Rocky into a musical?  Like, for real?  Man, I was just making a joke about it because it seemed absurd… Wow.  Really?  You’re sure?  A half-retarded Italian who gets punched a lot can be turned into a musical?
Marquee Musical Numbers:  No, really, stop screwing with me.  They’re actually making a Rocky into a musical?  Does Sylvester Stallone know about this?  Is he dying?  Wasn’t Rocky V bad enough?
Tagline: What the fuck?

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