February 28, 2012

Trivia Blog: Santor-dumb

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A short play…

[Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum sits in his office late at night, looking at gay porn reading about the baseball news, when a shining, brilliant light, heralded by a singing host of angels, fills the room.]

Santorum:  [Falls out of chair.]  Sweet, sassy sweater vests!  The Lord Almighty??!!
God:  Call me Lord.  Look, guy, thou and I need to have a bit of a chit-chat.
Santorum:  Would it be inappropriate if I embraced you, Lord?  In a completely heterosexual way, of course.
God:  Eh…  Nah, I’m good, pal.
Santorum:  Okay…  [Slowly, stealthily tries to reach out to God.]
God:  [Slaps his hand away.]  Stop that.  Let’s get down to brass tacks.  Thou’ve been doing a lot of talking lately and it’s just completely eroding all the good will we built up with the whole Tebow thing.  Just this week thou said that the idea of the separation between church and state made thou “want to throw up.”  Thou understand that I need the separation between church and state to keep people like thou from tarnishing my name, right?
Santorum:  I believe it’s what the founders would’ve wanted…
God:  The founders still thought that sticking leeches on thyself was a good way to get rid of a fever!  They also made no mention of me in any of the stuff they did.
Santorum:  I think it’s in the subtext…
God:  There is no subtext!!  They were pretty clear about it all.  I mean, ”Under God” wasn’t even part of the Pledge of Allegiance until the 50s!
Santorum:  The 50s were pretty close to Bible times…
God:  The NINETEEN-50s!!  Not the zero-50s!
Santorum:  Sorry, Lord.
God:  Enough with the sniveling!  Thou certainly like to talk a big game, at least.  When thou were in Greenville earlier this year, thou said that thou’d bomb Iran if thou thought Iran was developing nuclear weapons, because if they were, “Greenville will not be safe.”  Thou really think Iran has it out for Greenville, South Carolina?
Santorum:  Greenville, South Carolina certainly seems like a reasonable Iranian target to me…
God:  Iran doesn’t give a damn about Greenville, South Carolina!!  And what’s with thou and gay people, seriously?  Thou think about gay people more than they do!  I can’t endorse thy stance there, dude.
Santorum:  But the Bible makes it clear that homosexuality is an abomination in God’s eyes…
God:  Thou’ve read the Bible, right?
Santorum:  I’ve flipped through it.
God:  [Sighs.]  I don’t know if thou’re aware, but in my later years, I’ve actually been more of a fan of tolerance than damnation.  I even had a son who talked about it.  A lot.  Thou actually once compared same-sex marriage and the relations within it to pedophilia and bestiality.  Thou really think that’s what I’m all about?
Santorum:  Well…
God:  What if it was between Jon Hamm and George Clooney?
Santorum:  Uh… [His eyes sort of drift away while a bit of drool forms at the corner of his mouth.]
God:  Snap out of it!  Look, man, I’ve had a long cadre of people trying to attach their causes to my whole thing for their benefit, and for the most part, I’ve been cool with it.  But thou’ve gotta tone it down a bit.  Thou’re bad for our image, and thou’re not exactly media-friendly.  I mean, have thou seen what happens when thou Google the word “Santorum”?
Santorum:  I believe Google to be a tool of the devil.  Have you ever noticed that “Google” is just a smushed-up form of “go ogle”?  It’s practically telling our nation’s children to lustily leer at members of the opposite sex in a tawdry manner.
God:  See, that’s what I’m talking about, right there!  I don’t need to be associated with that kind of loony crap!  It’s bad enough that I’ve got to deal with Fred Phelps and his lot.  So do a brother a favor, cut back on the crazy talk, find some sweaters with sleeves, and pull thy head out of thine ass.  Capiche?
Santorum:  I’ll try, Lord.  But Lord, aren’t you going to put a stop to Mitt Romney and his ridiculous Mormon ways?
God:  Oh, no.  They’re actually pretty close to dead-on with the whole magic underpants, divine golden plates, Jesus-in-America thing.
Santorum:  Oh…
God:  Yeah.  God out!  [Disappears.]

The End

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