Four score and seven Wicker Man sequels ago…
This past weekend I took a trip to the Natural History Museum to take in the sights and get out of the cold for a while, ready to while away the hours in a peaceful, educational atmosphere of fascinating scientific facts and slightly creepy taxidermied animal carcasses. That is, until I took a detour to grab a bite to eat and, rounding a corner, ran directly into a frazzled, panicked Nicolas Cage.
“WE CAN’T STOP HERE!” he screamed at me, eyes wide with fear and possibly cocaine. ”THEY’RE ONTO US!!”
“Schwa…?” came my reply.
“COME ON, WE’VE GOTTA FIND THE DOCUMENTS!” he cried, lurching in my general direction.
All I wanted was to go down to the café and grab a hot pretzel, but he came at me, a dazzling tornado of severe hairline, disjointed kung-fu moves, and teeth. I had no choice but to submit to the power of his crazy will and follow him into the subterranean depths of the museum. I got so swept up in my impromptu quest that I wasn’t even able to ask him something I’ve always wondered about: how, in Face/Off, he and John Travolta could just switch faces when Travolta clearly had a much, much larger head and greater body mass.
What followed was a non-stop, action-packed thrill ride full of brain-teasing puzzles, near-death experiences, and sweet, sweet romance. I won’t bore you with all the details, at least not until we finish up our deal with Touchstone Pictures, but I can share with you some of the fruits of our labor. Nic Cage and I were able to uncover a secret conspiracy that’s sought to hide nefarious secrets about America’s presidents going all the way back to Washington, and now we’re ready to bust this bitch open and bring the truth to the American people. And also to extort millions of dollars from the government to help clear up what he kept referring to as “some tax stuff.”
Here, then, is a special sneak preview of just some of the shocking facts that Nic Cage and I uncovered about out nation’s presidents:
- George Washington’s famous wooden teeth were not, in fact, made of wood. Rather, they were a titanium-palladium hyperalloy, controlled by a powerful network of hydraulic servomechanisms linked to a neurocenter fused to his spine. Also, George Washington was a robot.
- Many rumors abound that Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. Not true. Lincoln was actually pansexual; a sort of 19th-century, Matthew McConaughey/Italian prime minister amalgam of raw sexual energy, ready and willing at a moment’s notice to drop trou and get it on with any man, woman, dog, crocodile, space alien, or properly shaped notch in a tree. Fun fact: The nickname “Honest Abe” is actually a shortened form of the full nickname: “Honestly, you’ll bang anything you lay your eyes on, Abe.”
- Four words: Zachary Taylor, cross-dresser.
- Richard Nixon’s famous enemies list included the following: The McDonald’s Hamburglar, Jim from Accounting, “The lady in the cafeteria who keeps buying the last of the Cool Ranch Doritos,” Evel Knievel, the African Elephant, and “That guy in line at the multiplex who said that Star Wars ’sucked ass.’ What a dick! God!” No further explanation was located.
- William Howard Taft was actually a woman. A really, really ugly woman.
- Thomas Jefferson wasn’t really the author of the Declaration of Independence. According to a secret journal, he “totally copied off of John Adams because I was ri-DIC-ulously hungover from doing shots of corn liquor and blow with Ben Franklin the night before.”
- Millard Fillmore invented the phrase, “No fat chicks.” Franklin Pierce, however, had the wisdom to turn it into a t-shirt.