Joe, I'm afraid that thing on your face is a giant moustake...
So another NFL Championship Weekend is in the books and we're headed back to a rematch of a game that no one outside of New York or Boston really wanted to see. Giants fans, you've picked up a reluctant supporter, as anything that involves Tom Brady holding a trophy and smiling sends me shaking and crying into a corner, forced to endure flashbacks of his horrendous interceptions thrown as Michigan's quarterback, before he turned into Captain QB Supermodelbanger.
The real travesty from this weekend, though, was the loss of one of the shining bright spots of this great NFL season. And I'm not talking about a player that will be lost to injury or retirement, nor a visionary coach or charming TV personality. I'm talking, of course, about Joe Flacco's moustache. Let me include a picture of it here to be sure that everyone gets a look at this terrible, terrible piece of facial hair:
Awful. Not even uber-ironic Brooklyn hipsters would sport that sad tribute to Hulk Hogan's follicular prowess. Ron Swanson he is not. Flacco's is a moustache that says, "I'm all about this team and this playoff run, and I might have an outstanding warrant for unpaid child support." Now, Flacco is just taking part in a long, proud tradition of awful sports facial hair, following in the footsteps of luminaries like Bill Walton, Larry Bird, Jake Plummer, Sidney Crosby, Joakim Noah, and, of course, Hitler Michael Jordan. But his stands out as particularly bad. Terrible as that thing was, though, I have to admit... I'm gonna miss the Flacco Stache. It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling and, much like the changing of the leaves or pumpkin-based products in Starbucks, heralded the arrival of Fall and another glorious football season. And now it's gone.
It did, however, give me inspiration for a good run of Flacco Stache-related tweets (@palewriterryan) during the game. Had he won, I was even going to create a Joe Flacco's Moustache account on Twitter, and fill these two pre-Super Bowl weeks with all kinds of Flacco Stache-y goodness. Below, a few from Sunday's game:
- Joe Flacco's moustache looks like it has to introduce itself to its new neighbors as a sex offender when it moves. #FlaccoStache
- Joe Flacco's moustache looks like it could hop off Flacco's face and go sling drinks at a gay biker bar all by itself. #FlaccoStache
- Joe Flacco's moustache looks like it owns a pet snake. #FlaccoStache
- Joe Flacco's moustache is just fine with eating 7-Eleven taquitos for breakfast. #FlaccoStache
- Joe Flacco's moustache holds all 10 high scores on the Asteroids machine in the back of the roller rink. #FlaccoStache
- Joe Flacco's moustache looks like it used to roadie for Foghat. #FlaccoStache