December 18, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Gift That No One Keeps On Giving

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


As you scramble along in these final days leading up to Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Fuck You Mom and Dad I’m Not Gonna Buy Into Your Corpo-Religious Bullshit Tradition Day, or whatever holiday you happen to hold close to your heart, I thought I’d lend my services in your gift-buying hunt and offer up suggestions for quality, last-minute gifts for your friends and family:
  • “New York Jets Super Bowl Champions 2012″ t-shirts; get ‘em now before they ship them to Somalia to clothe starving children!
  • A “replacement” cat for the one you “accidentally” backed over in your parent’s driveway
  • Paper bag + airplane glue + a little imagination = hours and hours of fun
  • Your Uncle Pat’s lost dignity
  • Don’t think of it as roadkill, think of it as a low-maintenance pet
  • A solid handshake
  • The complete set of Pens from the Banks of Lower Manhattan
  • The DVD box set of the entire series of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila; it’s only like $3 at that gas station DVD bin, you guys!
  • All those packets of soy sauce that have been piling up in your kitchen drawer this past year
  • Don’t think of it as herpes, think of it as a new lifelong companion

December 11, 2012

Trivia Blog: Jurassic Ballpark

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


As I’m dealing with a pre-holiday break crush here at the office, I might not have time to put together the typical long Trivia Night email that normally goes out every Tuesday.  But I do want to leave you with this image:



Dinosaurs are severely fucking up the sports world, you guys.  Raptors having tug-of-wars (tugs of war?), T-rexes causing uproar at golf events (probably seriously pissing off those people who hold up the ‘Quiet Please’ signs at the tee boxes)…  Someone call Steven Spielberg and get his professional opinion on how to stop dinosaurs.  Or, failing that, how to insert Jeff Goldblum to make sarcastic wisecracks about them.  I can only imagine that this new rise in dino/sport crossover will soon lead to headlines like these:
  • T-Rex Hilariously Separates Shoulder After Trying to Dunk with Tiny, Tiny Arms
  • Jets Boost Running Game By Adding Stegosaurus RB, Still Lose
  • Lance Armstrong Stripped of More Titles After Testing Positive for Gallimimus DNA
  • Heat Lose After Lebron Is Literally Eaten Alive By Rampaging Allosaurus
  • Tebow Suspended After Fight with Raptor Over Jesus’ Role in Creating Dinos
  • A-Rod in Hot Water After Photos Leak of Him with Pterodactyl Call Girl

December 4, 2012

Trivia Blog: Put Your Balls on My Tree

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Things I learned/pondered while helping to decorate our apartment for the holiday season…
  • You get the small, fake tree because you know that it’s the most logical choice for a 10th-floor apartment in Manhattan.  But what you really want is a giant tree like the Griswolds had in Christmas Vacation, and it’s amazing that you talk yourself out of it at the last minute.
  • Christmas Vacation is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
  • There are only like 25 Christmas songs, and Bing Crosby did 11 of them.
  • Trying to gift-wrap an irregular-sized box and have it look nice is like trying to fold that fucking fitted bedsheet and have it look nice. Just ball it up and call it a day.
  • It’s oddly festive when your dickhead cat eats ribbon off of wrapped presents and then throws up an hour later, as the cat vomit comes out wrapped like a tiny gift.  Thanks, buddy.
  • Cookies + rum = delicious.
  • There is far too much glitter associated with Christmas decorations. After I was done hanging ornaments on the tree, I looked like I’d just strangled a stripper with my bare hands. Again.
  • You think you understand what you’re supposed to do with a dreidel, but in the end, you don’t.
  • Neither do your Jewish friends, for some reason.
  • Mistletoe just seems sketchy. Hanging something up in your house that allows someone to kiss under person whilst standing underneath it is the holiday equivalent of, “Look what she was wearing, officer. She was askin’ for it.”
  • When you live with someone who’s Christmas decoration-obsessed, 1) you are never right in your opinion as to how the ornaments should be placed, 2) you will have a whole new set of “fancy/guest/pretty” things in your house you’re not allowed to touch (seriously, what the hell are “guest towels,” and when are these fucking people going to finally show up to my home and use them?), and 3) your apartment, much like the lush rainforests of South America, will continue to grow and add more and more decorations every time you come home. It’s festively eerie…
  • Hanging stockings up where you hang your pots and pans is good enough.
  • Don’t use that fake spray canned snow.  At the end of the night, you’ll just end up high as shit with a white-streaked cat.
  • Seriously, Christmas Vacation.

November 27, 2012

Trivia Blog: Road Trip and Fall

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Oh, middle America, you’re so… middle-y…

If you’ve ever read David Foster Wallace’s excellent essay “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” (within the collection that bears the same name), then you now know how it feels to drive from New York to northwest Ohio.  I had the wonderful experience of making this drive in order to be part of the family holiday shenanigans last week.  Why not fly, you ask, and skip the monotony of 10 hours of never-changing scenery and Pennsylvania state troopers who hide in the trees like ninjas?  Because the airlines are a collective of dickwads who feel it’s okay to charge someone $500 for a roundtrip ticket for a sub-2 hour flight around the holidays, and I refuse to support the rape of the American flier.  (Rape of the American Flier, by the way, is an excellent title for a dramatic thriller or Michael Moore documentary.)

So, when given the much cheaper option of renting a car from the good folks at Budget (thanks, Budget!), we decided to go that route instead and get all up in Route I-80 to Toledo.  If you’ve never been, I cannot stress to you enough how much the entirety of the middle of the country (or at least the portion from Pennsylvania to Iowa) looks exactly. the. same.  Being forced to drive through that sameness for so many hours can push you to the brink of turning into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  But it can also teach you a lot.  So here, for the benefit of future cross-country drivers, are the Main Things I Learned Whilst Driving from New York to Toledo:
  • There is always a Rihanna song playing somewhere on the radio.  Also, Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.”
  • I don’t care how many commercials I see featuring emaciated children in war-torn African villages.  There are no worse places in the world than rural truck stop/gas station bathrooms.  Where you at, Sally Struthers?
  • We need to start being concerned about the high suicide rate within America’s deer population.
  • There are far too many things that are “World Famous” in the state of Pennsylvania.  If they were truly “World Famous,” they wouldn’t be stuck between a Dress Barn and a strip club that probably features not one, but two amputee dancers.  Get it straight, Pennsylvania.  You’re only “World Famous” for the following things: the worst football fans in the NFL, cheesesteak, Amish furniture, and the epically stupid shit that came out of Rick Santorum’s mouth from 2005 to 2012.
  • Arby’s.  Always Arby’s.  And fuck yourself if you ever say regular fries over curly fries.
  • Tollbooth workers in the Midwest are light years better than their counterparts here at NYC’s bridges and tunnels.  They sometimes go minutes, or perhaps even hours, without seeing another human being, and when they do, it’s like that scene inCast Away when an at-the-end-of-his-rope Tom Hanks sees the ship passing by.  An NYC tollbooth worker actively tries to pretend you’re not there.  I could tell one of them that I have their kids duct-taped and stuffed in my trunk, and they’d still give me nary a glance while collecting my $12.
  • I’ve heard the print version is good, but the audio version of Tina Fey’s Bossypants is pheeeenomenal.
  • I’ll never not giggle when I pass a sign telling me how to get to Big Beaver, Pennsylvania.
  • There is no species so readily willing to defend his pride than the Dad stuck driving his family across the country in a minivan.  Passing this guy on the right while he putters along in the left lane because his daughter’s 27th consecutive viewing of Dora’s Enchanted Forest Adventures has finally driven him insane is like kicking a sleeping grizzly bear in the balls.  He will take your passing as an affront to his lost manhood and be up your ass within 1/8 of a mile, the safety of his own family be damned.  At least until his wife wakes up, realizes what he’s doing, and screams at him until he slows back down and gets back in the right lane.  Can you tell I don’t have kids yet??

November 20, 2012

Trivia Blog: I Don't Give a Thanks

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Signs your Thanksgiving is just not going to turn out the way you wanted:
  • Your Uncle Pete’s speech about the “welfare whores and fence jumpers” started before anyone even sat down to eat.
  • That out-of-control Honey Boo Boo parade balloon seems to be heading straight for you.
  • You’re a Detroit Lions fan.
  • Your Tofurkey tastes more like Tofausage.  Only, you’re pretty sure there’s no such thing as Tofausage.
  • Your nephew’s rendition of “One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians” contains a surprisingly high amount of swear words.
  • The “wishbone” your Dad carved out and saved for you and your brother looks suspiciously large and cat-like, especially with the disappearance of Whiskers still hanging over the family celebration.
  • CANNED cranberry sauce, Aunt Irene?  Really?
  • Your cousin just jokingly referred to Black Friday as African-American Friday for the fourth time in an hour, and it’s not getting any funnier.
  • The Macy’s parade is promising a special reunion performance by *NSYNC, minus that no-talent hack Timberlake.
  • Great-Uncle Owen hasn’t moved in like six hours…

November 13, 2012

Trivia Blog: Weather or Not

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


We’re back on track, baby.  After two weeks of having Trivia Night either packed to the gills with post-Sandy fun-seekers or shipped to a ridiculously snowy Wednesday after Election Night, we’re back to our normal Tuesday night slot of goodness.  (Slot of Goodness would be a great porn name, incidentally.)  Also, before I move on to the meat of today’s email, let me extend a special thanks to those teams who braved the freak snowstorm on Wednesday to come to Trivia Night.

Albeit a much smaller night of trivia, it was a lot of fun, we gave out a lot of prizes, and I think we all learned a little bit more about ourselves and our bodies.

Before we get to tonight’s categories, the rash of crazy weather that we’ve had the past couple years has got me in a predicting mood.  So here, for your preparatory needs, are some of the major weather events we can expect in our fair city over the coming months and years:

DECEMBER ’12 - In an unprecedented weather event, snow actually falls from the sky and remains on the ground not in the months of October or November, but in December, when it’s supposed to fall.  New Yorkers, confused and angry over the mass cancellation of December outdoor brunches, riot and tear down the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, killing Al Roker in the process.  Matt Lauer is unharmed.

MAY ’13 - In a weather event of seemingly biblical proportions, frogs fall from the sky, littering the streets of New York and providing a bountiful feast for hungry, French-cuisine-appreciating homeless.  Christian groups scramble to exploit the occurrence as proof that god wants to strike down the sinful heathens of NYC, but in the end it turns out the whole thing was a marketing stunt to promote Apple’s new iFrog, a combination mini-tablet, electric skillet, and fly swatter.

OCTOBER ’13 - A woman named Sandy gets drunk after consuming too many Hurricane cocktails, slamming her car into a ConEd truck while trying to navigate the Lincoln Tunnel.  No actual weather event occurs, but a few people recognize and appreciate the irony of the situation.

JANUARY ’14 - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie enters the realm of local legend when, following a massive blizzard that leaves the tri-state area crippled, he clears the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels by spraying gallons of fruit-flavored syrup into each and consuming the packed-in snow like two giant snow cones.  When asked afterward how he thought of such an ingenious method of helping people affected by the blizzard, Christie responds, “Blizzard…?”

JULY ’15 - A record-breaking heat wave settles over the city, melting the carefully constructed plastic surgery work of thousands of Upper East and Upper West Side ladies’ faces.  Mistaking the mutilated spinsters for an approaching zombie horde, New York City Mayor Alec Baldwin orders the National Guard to fire upon the crowd, decimating the population of cab-stealing Manhattanites.  No one seems to care.

OCTOBER ’16 - As another massive hurricane approaches during the first of their monumental presidential debates, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton wins handily, as Republican candidate Chris Christie switches to hurricane mode, agreeing with everything Clinton says and, at multiple points, crossing the stage to hug her.

NOVEMBER ’16 - Light showers early on, but the clouds give way to sunny skies with a high of 57 later in the afternoon.

October 23, 2012

Trivia Blog: Mass. Debating

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


Things I learned while watching the Presidential Debates:
  • The face Mitt Romney makes whilst listening to someone is eerily similar to that of the creepy guy who spends way too much time at the playground by himself
  • President Obama will make you his bitch if you go against the transcript
  • Jim Lehler is a sad, sad old man
  • At least one of Mitt Romney’s sons has roofied someone
  • Debates would be better if they were more like Fight Club
  • Candy Crowley is the runaway winner in the “most stripper-esque name while looking the least like an actual stripper” contest
  • Mitt Romney is probably a really big Top Gun fan
  • Ann Romney and Michelle Obama definitely call each other “bitch” behind their backs
  • For President Obama, much like Norv Turner, traveling to Denver is the equivalent of drinking Sleepytime Tea
  • When cornered in a debate, Romney, much like a child being taunted at recess, will run away and call you a meanie head
  • “Please proceed, Governor.” = Badass.

October 16, 2012

Trivia Blog: Seekin' Sketti

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I wonder if they serve sketti at Le Cirque…

Honey Boo Boo.  Why did I ever let myself watch anything featuring someone called Honey Boo Boo…?  I’m still pretty proud of myself, actually.  For so long, I’d gone without watching a single second of Honey motherfuckin’ Boo Boo.  And beyond that, I’d managed to completely avoid the ever-rising, fecal-filled tide of reality shows (unless you count Iron Chef America and Mythbusters, and please don’t) that is threatening to overtake the institution of American television like the limb-dissolving effects of early-onset diabetes.  I knew nothing of normally completely dull occupations like truck driving, pawn shop owning, gator wrasslin’, or whatever the fuck it is those people do with the storage units, and damnit I was proud of that.

But then Honey Boo Boo came along and, like a welfare-collecting, cousin-courting, English language-murdering fog, settled over the American pop culture landscape, worming her way into our hearts like a wad of coronary plaque.  When it got to the point where SNLand South Park skewered it within the same week, I had to take a peek at a few YouTube clips.  It was right around the time that Mama started making sketti, a sad, sad concoction of spaghetti noodles, butter, and ketchup guaranteed to make Honey Boo Boo the world’s youngest heart attack victim, that I realized I had to stop and never again lay eyes on that cherubic little redneck.

What is it with America’s obsession with this show??  They’re speaking English and yet somehow the entire show is subtitled.  The mother looks like a female, human version of the Michelin Man.  This is not the type of shit we should be celebrating, this is an infomercial for why we need Child Services.  When people make Cleatus from The Simpsons look classy and sophisticated, and we’re handing them a show on THE LEARNING CHANNEL, we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.  But at least we got sketti out of this mess.  We’ll always have sketti.

October 9, 2012

Trivia Blog: R.I.P. Rhanny PearlVito

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I blame Arnold, somehow…

Triviagoers, my world has been rocked to its very core upon hearing a bit of devastating news.  Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman are getting divorced, after 30 years together.

It’s not that I have any particular affinity for either of them, although they’re both great (DeVito especially), or that I loved them as a couple in some way above and beyond other couples, or anything like that.  Mostly, I’m upset that I’m losing my buoy of hope in the ever-stormy sea of celebrity couples.  Every time a big split-up would occur, and someone around me would bemoan the ability of any famous pair to stay together in the celebrity world as we now know it, my counter would always be, “Well, at least we’ll always have Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman.”

Because, honestly, has there ever been a more perfect pairing in the realm of celebrity?  And again, not even talking in the emotional/aww-they’re-adorable sense.  What I’m saying is, who else would either of those two ever end up with if not for each other?  He looks like the love child of a leprechaun and a greasy plate of Italian sausage, she looks like the member of a human/bird hybrid race chosen from birth to wed said leprechaun/sausage man.  The list of things that go better together than these two is exactly four items long:
  • Peanut butter and jelly
  • Hall and Oates
  • Bacon and [insert anything]
  • Alex Rodriguez and late-game, crucial-moment strikeouts
That’s it!  And to hear that the split is happening due mainly to DeVito’s “womanizing”…  Not only has that ensured that I may never again get an erection, but it’s completely cheapened the whole industry of publicist-paired matchmaking for me.

October 2, 2012

Trivia Blog: That's So Schwarzenegger

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


I’ll be (paper)back…

So Arnold Schwarzenegger has a tell-all book, Total Recall, that just came out and is filled to the brim with stories of his life and his many, many daliances with the ladies.  Like a lot of you, I’m amazed at times that Arnold even knows how to read, let alone how to form words together in a way that results in an entire book.  Apart from Maya Angelou, he’ll certainly be the highest-selling author/bodybuilder in human history.  Then again, maybe we sell the guy short, and always have.  Bill Burr, one of my favorite comedians, put it better than I ever could in a recent special:

“Because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America. Became famous for lifting weights… Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No, next challenge. I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me. Against all odds he starts making movies… Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. What are you gonna do next Arnie? I think I’ll marry a Kennedy… Bam he does it! Cherry on top, I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce and he wins the election… This dude has been in the zone for over four decades.”

Man’s got a point.  Nothing, not even a tumah, could keep me from reading Arnold’s book.  If only to have my suspicions confirmed that he ad-libbed every terrible pun he made as Mr. Freeze in that god-awful Batman & Robin movie, I’m reading it.  Especially when it comes out in a paperback version expanded with even more revelations.  Luckily for you all, I’ve gotten my hands on, well, a handful of Arnold’s even darker, juicier secrets that will be released in the next version of the book (which I hope will be called Kindle All the Way)…
  • Arnold originally tried to persuade Sly Stallone and Bruce Willis to call their chain of movie-themed restaurants Better Than Burger King and Also There Are Movie Props Inside, instead of Planet Hollywood.
  • Arnold claims that while he never used steroids to achieve his legendary physique, he did take part in some illegal jazzercising.
  • Arnold wrote every song on Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet album.
  • Arnold, on a dare from California Senator Nancy Pelosi, slipped the word “boobs” into a 2007 speech before the California General Assembly 29 times.  No one seemed to notice.
  • Arnold started the Chuck Norris story craze on the internet, in hopes that Chuck would let his guard down for just a split second.  Chuck has yet to do so.
  • Arnold once had a drunken orgy with every principle cast member of Twins.  Even Danny DeVito.  Especially Danny DeVito.

September 18, 2012

Trivia Blog: Talkin' Shit Romney

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...


And for his next trick, the Amazing Romney will fit his OTHER foot inside his mouth…

Despite the fact that he looks exactly like every sleazy politician in every bad 80s action movie ever made, despite the fact that he was practically raised to become president, it just doesn’t seem like Mitt Romney really wants to go down that path.  What started out as a bid to ride a wave of popular disenchantment with the current government to what at that time appeared to be a close election for Mittens has turned into America’s newest game show craze: “What Stupid Shit Will Mitt Do Today??”  From the selection of Paul Ryan as his VP to the carnival of bullshit that was the Republican National Convention to his awful post-US embassy attack remarks all the way through this latest video of him making damaging statements at a private fundraiser (which I’m sure most of you are familiar with at this point), the guys’ been on fire.  I’m sorry, I meant it’s seemed like he’s lit himself on fire.

What you’re NOT familiar with, however, are the OTHER statements that haven’t yet been released.  But I, being a man who gets things, have managed to obtain these hidden videos.  If only as a public service, I feel it’s my duty to share some highlights:
  • “My wife and I were out buying candy for trick or treaters, since Halloween’s coming up, and she keeps reaching for Snickers and Skittles and all this crap.  Candy corn, now there’s a quality candy.”
  • “I really don’t see what people’s problem with the DMV is!”
  • “Say what you will, but there’s no kind of rock and roll like that Nickelback.”
  • “There’s a lot of Puerto Ricans in this neighborhood, huh…?”
  • The Godfather?  Well, I don’t know about that.  As far as Pacino movies go, have you seen this S1m0ne?  Great movie.”
  • “To be honest, I don’t think those replacement NFL refs are doing that bad of a job.  At least they HAVE jobs.  Unless a certain percent that I won’t name… [cough]47[cough]…”
  • “I don’t know about you guys, but puppies?  Can’t stand ‘em.”
  • “No, I’m telling you, it’s not all that bad after she gets that first finger in there.  Hey, is that a camera…?”

September 11, 2012

Trivia Blog: Anony-mistake

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I just hope Danica Patrick’s okay…

So as many of you know, a member of the hacking collective Anonymous allegedly took out Go Daddy for most of yesterday, along with millions of websites hosted on its servers, including a handful that I own or am partnered with (click below to see them up and running now!).  If true, I get why Anonymous would have beef with Go Daddy, who supported the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), a piece of legislation that would severely damage the internet and its millions of cats-doing-funny-shit pictures that we oh so love.  I get it.  But going that far, disrupting the hard work, entertainment outlets, and source of income of thousands and thousands of people who’d normally back Anonymous’s actions (Anonymactions?)… That’s bullshit.  They’re lucky they didn’t take out those crazy coupon lady sites.  Millions of value-seeking moms across America would’ve gone Seal Team 6 on somebody, blazing a bloody path of destruction across the internets to rival that of every Arnold Schwarzenegger revenge movie ever made.

The sad part is, this is almost certainly not over.  Anonymous will find fault with many, many more things going forward, and will exploit security weaknesses and built-in backdoors to further take down various pillars of the internet landscape, mildly to catastrophically affecting the lives of millions upon dozens.  Luckily for you all, though, I happen to have a keen sense of what the future will bring.  Here then, for your internet preparation purposes, are the upcoming attacks to keep an eye out for:
  • November 2012 – Mere days before Election Day, Anonymous uncovers a photo of Mitt Romney and his favorite prostitute walking out of a welfare check cashing office and into an abortion clinic while skipping church on Sunday and makes it the only image shown on MittRomney.com.  Romney loses in a landslide, and Glenn Beck’s quivering sobs literally cause his head to explode.  Keith Olbermann achieves what will later be revealed to be an 11-day-long erection.
  • January 2013 – Reports surface that Anonymous has taken down MySpace, but it turns out instead that no one’s using the site anymore because it’s completely fucking lame.
  • March 2013 – Anonymous bristles at a cheesy Irish joke written in a Gael Pub Trivia Night email and wipes out Quizmaster Ryan’s cache of trivia questions.  That night, trivia goers at the Gael instead play a massive, marathon game of Twister.  No one seems to notice the difference.
  • May 2013 – Angered by yet another change to the look of the News Feed, Anonymous attempts to take down Facebook, but is stopped by what appears to be a demon from one of the lower circles of Hell that is acting as guard dog.  Hundreds of hackers are mercilessly killed.  Mark Zuckerberg makes another million dollars.  No one knows how Jesse Eisenberg is affected.
  • July 2013 – Lead by General Gangnam Style Guy, Anonymous helps the new South Korean army topple neighboring North Korea with a series of tactical online infrastructure strikes, military incursions, and sweet, sweet dance moves.
  • September 2013 – In a revelation that no one saw coming, it’s announced that Anonymous is actually Rick Moranis, finally answering the question of where in the holy hell Rick Moranis has been for the past 15 years.
(P.S. Somewhere over the course of time it took me to write today’s email, it was reported that Go Daddy’s outage might have actually been caused by an internal fuck up, and not an Anonymous attack.  Not sure if this is true, or if they’re just trying to save face, but I’m both a lazy and busy man, so the email stays as written.  Huzzah!)

August 28, 2012

Trivia Blog: Rock Thou Like a Hurricane

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A short play…

God sits at his desk, a towering structure of brass and rich, rich mahogany, discussing the day’s agenda with his secretary, Flo.

Flo:  … and lastly, St. Peter wants to install an intercom system at the Pearly Gates.  He claims he can do his job letting people into Heaven or not just as well [consults her notes] "sitting in my sweet-ass hot tub with a couple of fine honeys and a sixer of Budweiser."
God:  Table it.  I’ll talk to him later.  It is a pretty sweet hot tub, though.
Flo:  I’m sure it is, Mr. G.  Anything else?
God:  Yeah, why have I had such an influx of prayers and credits coming from the Tampa, Florida area on Earth?
Flo:  I believe it’s because the Republican National Convention is happening there next week, sir.  You know how those Republicans like to claim that you guide them in all of their decision-making.
God:  Ugh…  I don’t have time to deal with that kind of mess in my inbox.  It’s bad enough that Glenn Beck prays to me every time he’s trying to decide what to get at the McDonald’s drive-thru, now I’ve got a whole convention full of them to deal with?  Who’s going to be there?
Flo:  Let’s see… [looks at iPad]  The usual suspects, I suppose.  John Boehner…
God:  Crybaby.
Flo:  Chris Christie…
God:  Tubbo.
Flo:  Condoleeza Rice…
God:  [makes growling cat noise]
Flo:  Rick Santorum…
God:  [shudders]  Man, that guy gives me the creeps.
Flo:  She’s not scheduled to appear, but I’m sure Sarah Palin will show up somehow.
God:  Palin? They’re still keeping her around??
Flo:  She’s quite popular in that group, Mr. G.  She says she’s doing your will, that you called her.
God:  Oh my Me, one time!  ONE TIME I called her!  And I told thou, it’s because I was drunk and Sixteen Candles was on TBS and I thought she might want to join me for a late showing.  That doesn’t mean I’m her damned sponsor or anything.  Remind me to carve a “Leave me alone, thou crazy broad” message into an Alaskan mountain soon.
Flo:  Will do, sir.
God:  All right, I can’t deal with this.  It’s bad enough that now the Mormons are back in the mix with Romney leading the ticket, I don’t need some jackass mentioning me and rape-abortions, or whatever, in the same sentence.  You know what?  Schedule a hurricane to head towards Tampa, maybe that will make them scatter.
Flo:  Are you sure, sir?  Every time you do one of those, people get pretty upset.
God:  Desperate times, Flo, my dear.  Desperate times.  Plus, I want to see if hurricane-level winds will make a dent in that sculpture that Romney calls a hairdo.
Flo:  Very good, Mr. G.
God:  Take the rest of the day off, Flo.  I’m going to join St. Peter in that hot tub of his.

The End

August 21, 2012

Trivia Blog: Gary in Gotham City

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

“I was wondering what would break first.  Your spirit, or your body.  Or your city’s public works budget.”

After seeing The Dark Knight Rises again, I got to thinking…  Gotham City seems like a terrible place to live.  Every week, there’s some new supervillain hatching a plot to destroy the city or engaging in some sort of mega-sized battle with Batman that leaves the area in ruins.  It’s laughably overcrowded.  There’s a seemingly very-easy-to-break-out-of prison for the dangerously criminally insane literally right in the middle of the town.  A police force that numbers in the tens of thousands is constantly upstaged by and made to look inferior to a guy in a rubber suit.  And the city clearly stole all of its layout and design plans from New York and Chicago.

It makes you wonder, What’s it like to be an average, ordinary citizen of Gotham City?  Luckily for you all, I know the answer: Gary.  Or Gary in Gotham City, to be more specific.  I’ve been lucky enough to find excerpts from the diary of a man forced to share his city with Batman, which will be added a few times a week (to www.garyingothamcity.blogspot.com) for your reading pleasure.  Let Gary show you what it’s like to be one of the fortunate residents of what, if Batman stops ruining it, is the greatest city in the world.  Be sure to check every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to see if Gary’s updated us all with what’s happening in Gotham.  A preview of some of Gary’s entries:

August 20th – My brother Jerry called from Spokane to tell me that he was having a hard time dealing with his insurance company after a pretty nasty hail storm damaged some of his roof shingles.  I thought about telling him how my entire apartment building was destroyed after the Penguin drove a giant mechanical polar bear through half the city, but I didn’t want to add to his already extensive troubles.
September 13th – Batman transported to another dimension with Superman for the past two weeks.  While he was gone, Mr. Freeze attacked the city, leaving something like 200 people encased inside blocks of ice.  Not sure if they’ll survive or not.  I know that my taxes pay for an entire police force, I’m just not sure what it is that they do.
September 21st – My wife died today after a broken piece of railway support fell and crushed her during a fight between Batman and the Scarecrow.  But, Batman locked him up and learned an important lesson about dealing with his parents’ death in the end, so I guess all’s not lost.
October 1st – ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!  ALL HAIL THE MAD HATTER!
October 3rd – Things are slowly getting back to normal after the Mad Hatter used a massive mind-control device to enslave the entire population of Gotham City.
October 25th – Seriously, where are the fucking police that my taxes pay for??!!

August 14, 2012

Trivia Blog: Shork! I Mean, Shark!

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

We’re gonna need a bigger Trivia Night…

I wholeheartedly believe that we should get rid of one or two of our lesser national holidays in favor of making Shark Week something that we close offices, banks, and schools in observance of.  My lifelong obsession with the holiest of holy weeks is well documented, and the fact that tonight’s Trivia Night happens to be falling not only within the 25th Anniversary of the Week of Sharks, but also on the monumental release of Jaws (the greatest movie of all time) on Blu-ray, tells me that this will be an amazing night of trivia indeed.

The only drawback to Shark Week (and I’m loathe to ever speak ill of la Semana de Tiburon), of course, is that it brings to mind the fact that these things are potentially waiting to bite you in the face and turn you into Sunday brunch the second you dip a toe in the ocean.  It’s the great double-edged sword of the shark, that something so beautiful and awesome could also be so deadly; like a Victoria’s Secret model running you down with a chainsaw.  This, usually, leads to some SW program detailing tips for staying limbed whilst in the presence of a shark, like “Don’t swim with an open wound” or “Punch a shark in the goddamned nose if it tries to eat you.”  And those are all well and good, but I’m here to provide you with even more, lesser-known shark safety tips.  Pay attention, they could one day save your life (but probably won’t):
  • Sharks are notoriously self-conscious of their weird-looking eyes.  If one approaches you as if to attack, just point at their eyes and laugh.  The shark will be overcome by embarrassment and slink away, leaving you free to complete your game of Marco Polo unmolested.
  • Sharks can’t swim backwards.  Blow their freaking minds by showing them that you can.  This display of underwater grace and dominance will make them think twice about getting all up in your grill.
  • As a prophylactic measure, kidnap a shark’s daughter while she’s on vacation to show the sharks that you’re not to be fooled with.  Pray that you didn’t kidnap the Liam Neeson Shark’s daughter.
  • Keep a taser on your swim suit at all times.  Logic and science say that the resulting electric shock would probably endanger your own life, but badass-ness and drunken bets say otherwise.
  • When a shark charges you, charge it right back.  This may momentarily confuse the shark long enough to allow you to escape.  Or, it may speed your own gruesome death.
  • Four words: Shark Repellent Bat Spray.

July 31, 2012

Trivia Blog: Fly the Me-Friendly Skies

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Why even have that carry-on bag size thing if you’re not going to use it…

Today’s trivia email will be a shorter one than usual, dear triviagoers, as I just flew in from a long vacation in Denver.  My arms feel fine.  The flight over here got me thinking, the way we lay out rows/seat assignments on planes is horribly flawed.  As always, however, I have the answer.  Going from the front of the plane to the back, here is how airlines should be laying out their planes from here on out:
  • Me
  • The pilots, so nothing’s blocking my view and I can pretend I’m flying
  • Flight attendants, plus a mini bar and decent-sized bathroom that only I can use
  • Bouncy castle area
  • Empty rows, as to provide a sound barrier between me and the rest of the plane
  • Rows reserved for childless people who only want to quietly read until we land
  • Rows reserved for people who will sleep for the whole flight
  • Rows reserved for people who will sleep for the whole flight, but will periodically do that weird twitchy/grunt thing
  • Rows reserved for people who will comment on the items in the Sky Mall catalogue for the whole flight
  • Rows reserved for people who will talk to the person next to them for the whole flight, even if you keep going back to your book during their infrequent pauses
  • Sealed-off area reserved for parents who refuse to do anything about their screaming kids
  • 10 feet of soundproof steel
  • Sealed-off area reserved for aforementioned screaming kids
  • Tail

July 24, 2012

Trivia Blog: Was Van Halen Trying to Tell Us Something...?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Quick! Someone play that Third Eye Blind song about jumping...

If you ventured over to the Huffington Post today, you might have caught this story about cops talking a man down from jumping off of the Verrazano Bridge after he got into a fight with his 18-year-old daughter.  What you might not have known, however, is that I was the one who was called in to talk to this poor fellow.  Here, for your reading pleasure, is a portion of that conversation's transcript:  

Me:  Wow, you sure know how to keep people in suspension.  
Guy:  What...??  
Me:  Nothing, it's a bridge joke.  Suspension is a type of bridge, one that...  Nevermind.  How you doing today, sir?  
Guy:  She kept yelling at me!  
Me:  Who did?  
Guy:  My daughter!  She's 18.  We had a fight.  I tried to talk to her, but, but she just wouldn't listen.  You know how kids are.
Me:  Actually, no, I don't have kids.  My life is full of me just doing what I want to do, sleeping in until whenever I want, using my money for vacations and buying cool shit for myself.  It's pretty great.  
Guy:  Oh...  
Me:  You know what, forgot all of that.  I'm hearing what I just said and I think it might make you more depressed, and that kind of defeats the purpose of what I'm doing here.  What's your daughter's name?  
Guy:  Ashley.  
Me:  Ashley... Is that with a "Y" or is it one of those weird spellings that ends with an "I" or an "IGH"?  
Guy:  No, with a "Y."  
Me:  Okay, good.  If you'd named your daughter "Ashlii" or something, you might not be worth saving.  But again, sorry, shooting myself in the foot here.  What'd you two fight about?  It's okay, you can truss me.  
Guy:  You mean, I can "trust" you?
Me:  No, I said "truss."  It's another bridge term.  I'm a fan of bridge-related humor.  Yeah, I like to have fun.  Go on, tell me your story.  
Guy:  It's stupid.  
Me:  No such thing as stupid fights, sir.  Just stupid people.  You can tell me.  Come on, take a leap of faith.  
Guy:  Well, we were--  
Me:  You know what?  I'm sorry, I have to apologize again.  I shouldn't have said "take a leap of faith."  Poor choice of words.  You know, because you might jump to your death.  Forget I said that.  Go on with your story.  
Guy:  O-okay...  We were just sitting down to watch TV after dinner and I switched on the Mets game, which I always do because we both love the Mets.  But then she said that she didn't like the Mets anymore because she just broke up with some guy who was a big Mets fan and that the Mets could go to hell.  
Me:  The Mets are in Flushing, sir, they're already there.  
Guy:  I- I don't... Anyways, she said that she wanted to watch some show about teen moms or something, and when I tried to tell her that we'd always watched the Mets together, she just kept yelling at me and then--  
Me:  Sir?  
Guy:  Wh-what?  
Me:  Was this whole fight basically about watching the Mets versus watching the MTV program Teen Mom?  
Guy:  I mean, for the most part, but it--  
Me:  Sir, this story is incredibly boring.  I think I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.  
Guy:  You're going...?  But...  You are really bad at your job.  
Me:  Yeah, I'm not really what you'd call an "actual police officer," per se.  I just saw something happening on the bridge and--  
Actual Police Officer:  Hey!  What are you doing up there?!  
Me:  Gotta go sir.  My arch nemesis just showed up...  
Guy: ...  
Me:  Really?  Nothing?  Arch...?  Because you're on a bridge...?

The End.

July 17, 2012

Trivia Blog: The Pain of Sweat Stains

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I’m sweating like Lindsay Lohan two days into withdrawal over here…

It’s hot outside, folks.  I don’t need to tell you this.  But I did anyways.  Because I can.  What better way for you to cool off and rest your sweaty asses than by coming to the AC-cooled confines of the Gael Pub for another kickass Trivia Night?  You shouldn’t suffer needlessly through yet another heat wave; too many are already.  Our homeless sweat while wearing everything they own on their backs, the hermit crabs of the human race.  Al Roker sweats in Rockefeller Center while delivering the weather report as the fat man who still lives deep within him fights to break free like The Hulk.  Our Upper East Side housewives struggle to keep their faces together as the temperature rises, threatening to have their faces melt like that G.I. Joe I put in our microwave when I was a kid, ruining what was up until then a perfectly good household appliance.

Don’t let these things happen to you.  There are numerous ways to beat the heat, and many outside of the normal ones you’re used to.  Why go for a dip in a urine-saturated public pool or give ConEd hundreds more of your dollar sitting in your air conditioned apartment when you can try these foolproof ways to stay cool:
  • Hop inside one of the freezers that hold the bags of ice in a Duane Reade.  See how long you can last before you lose feeling in your limbs or an employee threatens to call the police.
  • Go see an estranged sibling who you haven’t seen since The Incident.  You know the one.  The cold shoulder that they give you will leave you nice and frosty.
  • Three words: Ice pack underpants.  Your genitalia may crawl deeper inside your body than a gerbil vacationing inside Richard Gere, but you’ll be chillier than a ball-less polar bear.
  • Put one of those misting fans that sit on the sidelines of NFL games in your living room.  Sure, you’ll ruin every piece of furniture and electronics you own and will severely hamper your chances of getting lucky after your next date, but how fucking awesome are those fans??
  • Stare deep into the eyes of the poor bastard who’s portraying the 11th of 12 different Elmos in Times Square, the one who gets stuck over by the strip club that no parents take their kids near.  The loneliness inherent in that guy’s soul will chill you to the bone.

July 10, 2012

Trivia Blog: Don't Not Do What Drugs Doesn't Do

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A short play…

[A stoned man is sitting on the couch watching CNN, a freshly stubbed-out joint resting in an ashtray on the coffee table.]

CNN Anchor:  ”…as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie expressed his disapproval with America’s drug policy.”
Christie:  “The War on Drugs, while well-intentioned, has been a failure.  We’re…”
Stoner:  Whoa…  Did you hear that, Drugs?

[Drugs hops up on the couch with the stoned man.]

Drugs:  Hear what, man?
Stoner:  That fat dude just said the war on you is over.
Drugs:  [looks at screen] John Goodman said that?
Stoner:  I think that’s the guy from Curb Your Enthusiasm, actually.  Larry David’s friend.  Anyways, good news, right?
Drugs:  Yeah, man, I’m glad to hear it.  It’s been a long couple of decades.  I got blamed for EVERYTHING, man.  Bad rock music, school shootings, Tim Burton’s shitty Alice in Wonderland remake… Thank god I’ve had so many staunch allies.
Stoner:  Allies?
Drugs:  Yeah, Willie Nelson, Gary Busey, Robert Downey Jr., Andy Dick, all the people on those rehab shows, most of the entertainment industry, really.
Stoner:  I don’t know if those guys are the sorts of people you want to ally yourself with…
Drugs:  Come on, man, they’re not all bad.  Did you see how much money The Avengers has made??
Stoner:  I don’t know, Drugs.  Maybe Chris Christie’s wrong.  Maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with you as much as I do.
Drugs:  What do you mean?
Stoner:  Well, I mean, I’m sitting here having a conversation with an imaginary representation of an abstract collection of mind-altering substances.  That can’t be good for me long-term, right?
Drugs:  Yeah, maybe not, but at least you’re not out there, like, blowing up buildings or eating people’s faces off.  You’re just having a smoke and watching old Voltron episodes on Netflix.  The world is full of many great evils, my friend, but a guy sitting on his couch lighting up a joint isn’t even in the Top 5 Million.
Stoner:  True…  Hey, Drugs?
Drugs:  Yeah?
Stoner:  You’re alright, man.
Drugs:  Thanks, dude.  Hey, I’m gonna go ahead and make you forget about your doctor’s appointment at 3:15.
Stoner:  Thanks, Drugs.

The End.

July 3, 2012

Trivia Blog: Happy Birthday, 'merica

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

A shorter-than-usual email in honor of pre-Fourth of July shortened workdays…

For those of you fine triviagoers who are still going to be in town and haven’t gallavanted off on some beach-y, barbecue-y trip in honor of our great nation’s birthday, I hope you’ll swing by the Gael Pub tonight for some trivia to beat the heat and get shitfaced for America, since we have no work to go to in the morning.  It’s what the founding fathers would’ve wanted, despite what the Tea Party might tell you.

For those of you who are gone and will be enjoying the 4th in full force tomorrow, however, 1) I hope to see you again next week when you’re back on your normal schedule and 2) please keep in mind the following guidelines/safety tips to ensure that you’ll enjoy your holiday to its fullest potential:
  • Fireworks are nature’s way of weeding out the stupidest and drunkest of our stupid, drunken rednecks.  Nary a 4th of July goes by that we don’t hear of some Miller High Life-saturated step back in the evolutionary chain losing a digit, an eye, or a sad excuse for a life because he held onto an M80 for too long or thought it’d be hilarious to shoot a giant bottle rocket out of his nether regions.  Don’t be like them.  Enjoy fireworks from a safe and non-imbred distance.
  • People will tell you that you shouldn’t overdo it in terms of your meat consumption this 4th of July.  Those people are wrong.  They’re also filthy terrorists.  Be a motherfucking patriot and shove as many former creatures of nature down your gullet as you possibly can.
  • Just because your friend passes out early while the sun’s still out doesn’t mean that it’s okay to write filthy words or draw pictures of penises on his chest or forehead with sunscreen, thus sealing in the temporary tattoo as a reminder of his inability to handle his liquor.  Actually… I take that back.  That’s perfectly fine.  And hilarious.
  • “God Bless the USA” and “Born in the USA” = good.  ”London Calling” and Toto’s “Africa” = bad.
  • Fireworks > parades.  Always.

June 26, 2012

Trivia Blog: Does This Napkin Smell Like Chloroform to You?

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I get the feeling this guy has a run-in with Chris Hanson in his future…

So the other day, a friend of mine pointed me to this video of a guy named Alex McCray giving his can’t-fail tips for flirting with girls, as he helpfully adds, “in bars or clubs.”  Watch this video.  Now.  Please.  It contains four of the most entertaining, unsettling minutes that you could ever bring into your life.  I’ll wait for you to get back.

Done?  Good.  Now let’s talk about this creepy-ass dude.

Let’s try, first of all, to put a few key points aside.  Let’s put aside that totally sweet soul patch.  Let’s put aside that not-at-all-scary-as-hell stare he gives the camera for the first four seconds of the video, which I’m sure was the last thing a handful of unfortunate ladies saw before everything went black and the FBI had to get involved.  Let’s put aside the fact that while trying to make a metaphor about how you should be loose and imaginative when talking to a woman, he states that little kids are the best flirts in the world.  Let’s put aside his advice to break the ice whilst macking on some honey you JUST met by cheerily talking about who will get what in your imaginary divorce.  Let’s put aside his stone-cold smooth pick-up line, wherein he talks about how some girl’s eyes are like blueberries and that he wants to eat them (because that just gets your juices a-flowin’, right ladies?).  And let’s put aside his FURTHER advice to capitalize on said eye-eating line by talking about wanting to make a cake out of her eyes and how it would give her a hilarious medical condition because she’d have no eyes, even though that’s not a medical condition because that’s mutilation you fucking PSYCHO.

Let’s consider the fact that Hannibal Lecter Alex might be on to something here.  Maybe, in his element at a bar or club, he’s some badass combination of George Clooney, Channing Tatum, and Lionel Ritchie’s jheri curl all rolled into one personal space-invading, soul-patch-combing package.  Maybe I shouldn’t knock his style, but instead try to help him out, so that he can spread his love to women and Special Victims Units across the country.  Here’s a few more tips for Alex and other men trying to follow in his probably-wrapped-in-plastic-to-leave-no-trace footsteps:
  • Using low-grade insults, or “negging,” is a good way to undermine a woman’s confidence to help you seem more assertive and make her more vulnerable to your advances.  Try leading off your flirt with something like, “I bet you don’t have a lot of friends or other people who would be concerned about your whereabouts if you suddenly disappeared for a few weeks.”
  • Girls like guys who are athletic and strong.  Show off your muscles and compliment her physique by lifting her up and telling her how easy it would be to carry her around or toss her into a car trunk.
  • Compliment, compliment, compliment.  You cannot tell a girl enough nice things.  Tell her how pretty her smile is, or how her skin is really smooth and would make a great sofa.
  • Pick-up lines don’t always have to be cheesy.  Try something like, “Are you an angel?  Because god speaks to me personally and has chosen me to be the living embodiment of his wrath and he never mentioned you.”
  • Make sure, when showing a girl your apartment for the first time, you point out the thickness of the walls, the poor quality of cell phone reception, the lack of proximity to police and other emergency centers, and that the inside door handle is particularly tricky to open in a panic-fueled hurry.

June 19, 2012

Trivia Blog: Hallmark Would Be Proud

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

As we look back on another Father’s Day come and gone, and you think about the humdrum cards you all might have sent your dad’s way, allow me to offer some assistance for the next time the holiday rolls around.  Here, free of charge, are some words you can incorporate into some homemade cards for next year’s Father’s Day.  Feel free to use macaroni shells and glitter as you see fit…

You’re the best Dad in the world,
you tell me you’ll be there ’til the end.
Even though I wrecked your ’67 Mustang
and drunkenly groped your new girlfriend.

D is for Dad, because you’re my Dad.
A is for Awesome, because you are Awesome.
D is also for Dad, because you sent me to public schools and I’m not very creative.

Roses are red,
Rain clouds are grey.
I’m sorry, but your jokes are stupid,
and also, I’m gay.
Just thought I’d kill two birds here…

I drew you this picture…

because I want you to know that I know how empty our home life really is.  Way to go, Dad.  (Also, I’m 37 and I’ve drawn like this my whole life.  Shouldn’t you have noticed that I’m not developing properly?)

I know I was never the star quarterback,
and I couldn’t hit a curveball to save my life.
But I’m pretty sure I made you proud
when I made that hot stripper my wife.