I miss breathing through my nose...
A shorter email from your loving Quizmaster this week, most likely, as I'm still recovering from a cold that has been ravaging the delicate temple that is my body for the last week or so. I don't want to say for sure that one of you filthy people infected me like the monkey from Outbreak last week; all I know is that I left another fine Gael Pub Trivia Night feeling like a million bucks, and I woke up the next morning feeling like those pennies you find under your car seat, the ones covered in McDonald's fry grease and dirt and hooker spit. Or whatever it is you people keep in your cars.
But while it's been a week of misery and marathon Big Bang Theory viewing from my couch, it's also been a week of reflection. Here, a few of my cold medicine-induced observations during a week of being sick:
- When you're still awake at 3:55 in the morning because you can't keep from coughing every 7 seconds, you find yourself amazed that despite the gargantuan leaps we've made in terms of video production over the last decade or so, commercials for phone sex lines remain stuck somewhere in the early 1990s. I appreciate the fact that these girls are sitting by the phone in their skimpy lingerie just waiting for me to call, but maybe they should take a break to update their hairstyles or learn how to use iMovie or something.
- For some reason, cats love to sneeze directly in your face when you're sick.
- Hall and Oates should look to make a comeback by launching a cough drop/breakfast food product called Halls and Oates-meal.
- When you're completely stuffed up, everything smells and tastes like what that mole on Drew Brees' face probably smells and tastes like.
- There's nothing that's equally as soothing and unsettling to use as Vicks VapoRub. It's like smearing a creepy uncle on your chest, but in the end he somehow proves to be an effective nasal decongestant.
- Waking up and discovering that you've left a cough drop plastered to the inside of your mouth from the night before is a surprisingly mortifying/degrading experience. It's like the cold medicine equivalent of the Walk of Shame.
- Even sick people shouldn't be forced to watch the Giants' pass defense.
- When you decide to finally go ahead and be that guy who wears sweatpants, a stained hoodie, and slippers to Duane Reade, it's unsettling to realize just how okay you are with the whole process in the end.
- No matter how many extra Blu-ray behind-the-scenes special features you watch along with them, the Star Wars prequels still just... suck.