These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday. But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well. I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest. Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...
Maybe I’ll just forget gyms and start training, montage-style, like Rocky did in Rocky IV…
As you can probably tell from the muscles bulging from beneath my blazers and ironic t-shirts each and every Trivia Night at the Gael Pub, I’m a man who fancies the occasional trip to the gym. While living in New York provides all kinds of daily chances for exercise (walking everywhere you go, carrying heavy Trader Joes bags full of groceries up to your 6th floor walkup, sprinting away from oncoming, Pepe le Pew-esque bums who have neither pants nor shame, etc.), it’s nice to get out and work up a sweat every now and again to combat the weekly onslaught of bar trips and brunches. (Damn you, mimosas. Damn you to the most delicious circle of hell.)
The problem, however, is that gyms seem to attract a certain level of d-bag, asshole, or disgusting slob that you normally wouldn’t have to encounter in other realms of civilized society. For these people, for some reason, slapping on a pair of mesh shorts gives them license to forget all that their mothers taught them about how to act around other human beings, and it becomes a sweaty pain in the collective, toned ass of those of us who follow proper gym etiquette. I dream, sometimes, of the day when I’ll never have to worry for the future of our species over the course of a 60-minute workout. To that end, I’d like to announce the upcoming publication (pending, you know, a book contract) of my new book, 500 Rules for Not Being a Complete Tool at the Gym: Don’t Work Up the Anger of Your Fellow Man While Working Up a Sweat. Below, a few excerpts from what’s sure to be a NY Times bestseller…
Rule #74 - You might think it’s okay to leave a sweaty mural of sorts on the seat of the machine that you just finished using. I’ll even freely admit it’s pretty impressive that if you squint at it in the right light, it sort of resembles Jesus’ face. But ringworm isn’t fun for anybody, and the only time it’s ever acceptable to plant myself into a moist chair is at some sort of water park. Or if I’m reenacting a key scene from Flashdance. Those towels that are provided to you at the front desk are for more than just fanning yourself. Think of this as a crime scene that you’ve just created, and before exiting, try to confound the CSI team/Dexter by wiping your DNA away clean, okay?
Rule #173 - Staring at the ladies using the leg machines is not cool. Neither is staring at the fellas when their business slips out of their bike shorts during spinning class.
Rule #289 - That neon-green headband with the matching sweatbands? No. Just… no.
Rule #290 - Also no: That “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt.
Rule #352 - Think about the sounds that Arnold Schwarzenegger made when he was thrust into the outdoor atmosphere of Mars in Total Recall. Think also of the noises/facial expressions that Sly Stallone made while struggling during an arm wrestling match in Over the Top. Also think about what it sounds like when you accidentally drop a piece of silverware in a garbage disposal. Now look at/listen to yourself while lifting weights. Do any of those things resemble you? Yes? Stop. You giant douche. Please stop.
Rule #415 - It’s accepted that many of you will walk around the locker room sans clothing, letting your bits and pieces swing free like socks on a clothesline (or stockings, depending on your age). But, as a great episode of Seinfeld taught us, there are so many things that people should never have to witness you doing whilst hanging dong. Think of your time spent nude in the locker room the same way you view time with your in-laws: lasting only as long as it has to go on and devoid of eye contact as much as possible.
Rule #415b - As an addendum to Rule #415, the following activities (amongst others) are prohibited while naked in the locker room: post-workout stretching, in particular toe touches, deep knee bends, and jumping jacks; long, gesture-heavy storytelling; being Jerry Sandusky; reenacting scenes from the movie Gladiator; manscaping; “innocent” games of grab-ass; hula-hooping; soldering/welding (for your benefit more than ours); the application of oils, creams, and other shiny substances; charades.