November 29, 2011

Trivia Blog: Thankgs-gorging

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

“I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.” – Homer Simpson, when asked how he won the Most Weight Gained Award at his high school reunion

Folks, I apologize now if there are any typos in this week’s Trivia email.  I managed to shove enough food into myself during Thanksgiving dinner this year that I pretty sure I have gravy-swollen fingers.  I might need some sort of special fat-person typing stick to get through this.

Why do we do this??  Why do we take a holiday that’s ostensibly about the celebration of what we have and of our fellow man and of the union between different cultures and somehow turn it into a bingefest?  Because we’re America, damnit, and that’s what we do best.  We’re the country that not only produces staggeringly high national levels of diabetes, but 200-pound third-graders as well.  (Of course he’s from Ohio.)  We will take ANY already ridiculously fattening sweet treat and deep-fry it at state fairs to make it even more artery assaulting.  Overeating is our right and our hobby.  It’s American, and it’s beautiful.  Just thinking about it gives me a lump in my throat.  That, or I still have some sort of turkey leg/mashed potato amalgam lodged in my esophagus.

Reflecting on my impressive gastrointestinal accomplishment got me thinking…  Why stop at Thanksgiving?  Why risk the bursting of our stomach linings on only one Fall holiday a year?  This is the country that gave the world the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, the Double Big Gulp, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, and both Rex and Rob Ryan.  We can make this a calendar-spanning practice with a little bit of ingenuity.  For instance…

Christmas - Sure, there’s usually a big family feast that goes along with Jesus’ birthday, but why not also bring in the joyful element of surprise that comes with Christmas gift giving?  Don’t just put food on the table, wrap it up and give it as presents!  Along with a new Kindle, give your loved ones a nice cornish game hen in that gift bag.  Then, sing that “Bring us some figgy pudding” portion of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” over and over while they’re forced to eat whatever they open; no stopping ’til they’re finished.

Easter - If Jesus can rise from the dead after three days, then your appetite can rise again after that first Easter ham has died for your sins.  Only for the next ham, we take the Cadbury approach and dip it in a delectable chocolate shell.

Arbor Day - You might not think there’s even a remote chance to incorporate overeating here, but then, you might be a small-minded, unambitious fool.  For every tree we plant on Arbor Day, we eat a tree made out of Slim Jims and cotton candy.  Plant a bush, eat some bacon.  Grow some flowers, gorge on Funyuns.  But don’t bother eating those healthy fruits or veggies that come from actual fauna; they’ll just take up precious stomach room that could be saved for mounds of semi-dried ranch dressing formed to look like pine trees.

Halloween - You think having all of that candy given to our kids in one night is already enough of an opportunity for overeating?  Wrong.  Kids have to walk from house to house in order to get those Fun Size Snickers; they’re burning way too many calories to have the candy really make an impact.  So here’s my proposal:  Between-House Trick or Treating.  You know how in marathons, people give the runners cups of water on the side of the road so they can hydrate while not stopping?  We do that, but with cups of melted chocolate and Sour Patch Kids.  That way, our little porkers-in-training don’t miss a chance to sugar up their bloodstream while doing something healthy like putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanksgiving - Oh yes, there’s room for more here, too.  Two words: Thanksgiving Eve.  With the rise and constant improvement of growth hormones used to turn normal poultry into freakishly large, uber-meat-yielding poultry, there’s no excuse not to be able to have two turkeys for every Thanksgiving.  Going back to the marathon analogy, you know how runners like to carb up the night before a big race?  Well why not carb up the night before a big day of overeating?  Think of how many more rolls you could fit in your face hole if you properly prepare the night before.  If you can dream it, you can do it!

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