October 31, 2011

It's Not a Cos-tumor

“I got a rock…”

I love Halloween.  I love everything about it.  I love that it turns grown-ass folks like us into costumed kids again, only we swap out getting candy and razor-filled apples for binge drinking and the most hilarious/pathetic post-party walks of shame ever.

I love that it---along with the changing of the leaves, the World Series, and pre-campaign political scandals---ushers in my favorite season of the year.  (Gingers don’t sunburn in the Fall.)  I love that it brings back AMC’s Fearfest and the hours upon hours of slutty coeds being chased by creepy loners that comes with it.  I love moving one step closer to adult onset diabetes by gorging myself on fun-sized candy bars.  (I don’t really need that right foot anyways.)

But most of all, I love putting together costume masterpieces that instill awe and shame in fellow party-goers who just grab some last-minute, generic crap off the rack at Ricky’s.  This year’s Zombie Jesus, for example, was a massive success.


“But Ryan,” you say.  “I am but a simple soul.  I lack the depth of imagination and ingenuity of a knowledgeable visionary such as yourself.  Please, show mercy and drop a few popcorn chicken-sized giblets of inspiration from the nugget of creative wonder that is your brain.”

If you insist.  Here are a few last-minute costume ideas to try out for this year’s Halloween festivities (or next year's if it's too late):

A New Spin on "Sexy [Blank]"


Halloween has long been a time when ladies are able to unleash their inner floozie (or “hoo-er,” for my Jersey readers).  Not that most of us complain, but it doesn’t show much imagination to break out the “Sexy Cop” or “Sexy Nurse” or “Sexy Kitten” costumes.  We’ve seen it all before.  This year, if you want to show off what your gym membership has wrought while still showcasing your originality, try upping the difficulty level with a decidedly un-sexy profession.  Bust out an assless lab coat and go as “Sexy Marine Biologist” or “Sexy Cancer Researcher.”  Show off the sultry side of sanitation as “Sexy Trash Collector” or “Sexy Porta-Potty Cleaner.”  Put the “pole” back in “politics” as “Sexy James Carville.”  …  Okay, that last one might be impossible for anybody to pull off, actually.

The Ghost of Lopez Tonight


Ghosts have been a Halloween costume staple for centuries.  Cut two holes in a sheet, make some moaning sounds, and voilá… you’re either a ghost or some weird Mormon sex ritual.  It’s an easy go-to.  But this year, update it a bit by going as the roaming spirit of the canceled late-night talk show featuring America’s favorite (?) Latino comedian.  Just dress up like George Lopez, slap on some spooky ghost makeup, and wander around telling lame jokes about how Mexicans hate Taco Bell that no one will laugh at.  For extra effect, have a friend dressed as Conan O’Brien chase you around the party with a knife murdering your career.


The 2011-12 NBA Season


Just stand in the corner in a Knicks jersey looking sad.  This can also double as a Stephon Marbury costume.

Zombie Bob Ross


Everyone’s favorite late painter of happy little trees, risen from the grave.  Zombies are everywhere these days anyways (hence my Zombie Jesus costume idea), and we all miss Bob Ross (admit it, you do), so it’s a perfect combination.  Get an afro wig, a zombie makeup kit, and a blood-smeared paint pallet, and you’re all set.  If you can stand to lug a prop around, you can even have an easel that you mindlessly dab at that somehow still produces a perfect scene of a mountain waterfall.  Bonus points if you mutter, “Paaaaaaiiiiints…” over the course of the night.

A-Rod’s Clutch Hitting


1. Dress up in a Yankees uniform (purple chapstick/lip gloss optional).
2. Have a friend throw a ball at you in a pressure situation.
3. Miss.  Every time.

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