December 15, 2010

Hybranimals

For the rich and trendy, a cocker spaniel just doesn't cut it anymore.

How could they walk around with just a common pooch at the end of their leashes like any other schlub?  To them, much like flashy furniture or avant garde fashion, pets could be used as a status symbol; a way to tell the rest of the world, "Look at me and my nonconformist domesticated animal, and shower me with envy."

It started simply enough.  A mini pot-bellied pig here, a brightly colored macaw there.  But soon, one species/one body couldn't cut it.  Before we could realize what was happening, words like "labradoodle" and "puggle" had become part of our everyday vocabulary.  Designer pets were the new Italian sports car.

As with every trend, however, the rare and chic soon became commonplace.  Designer pets were popping up in random pet stores sandwiched between an Arby's and a car wash.

The rich and trendy are panicking.  They must look elsewhere, and be willing to go further in their never-ending quest to have the best pet money can buy.  And, as usual, I'm here to provide the answers.

Here is the first installment of what we here at Pale Writer Industries have dubbed "Hybranimals":

Crocopoo


The glaring problem with your average poodle is that it's weak.  If confronted with, say, a Bengal tiger or even a lone wildebeest, a poodle would probably not emerge as the dominant species in the food chain.

A crocodile, on the other hand, has the pointy teeth and sub-river stealth maneuvering capability to win a fight against most foes of the jungle or Savannah.  But try attaching it to a leash for a leisurely stroll through the park.  At best you'll terrify the local children, and at worst you'll ruin your good standing with the neighbors after they witness an 1,100-pound lizard murdering their bull terrier.

Enter the Crocopoo.  The self-defense and cunning of a crocodile, but tempered with the good nature and non-desire-to-kill-everything of a poodle.  Plus, if it gets hit by a bus or something, you can turn it into a handbag or shoes with its own soft lining.  So there's that.

Elephython


Unless you're a drug dealer, wacky Australian zoological buff, or severely misguided and unsupervised teenager, it never seems proper to own a large snake as a pet.  They're creepy, you can't really pet them, and you have to be the engineer of a pretty large-scale rodent holocaust just to feed them over the course of a year.

Elephants, also, make for ridiculous pets.  If you have the room to house them and the money for the upkeep, then you're either way too rich or Michael Jackson.  For everyone else, imagine the chaos that would ensue if you tied an elephant up in your backyard.  At the very least, that "frog spitting running water into a fountain" sculpture that your wife picked up on your recent trip to El Paso is going to be destroyed.

To provide a happy medium, then, we have the Elephython.  All of the excitement of owning an elephant, minus the messy clean-up and tendency to stampede precious possessions and loved ones.

Microcat


Ever wish that your cat did something more than just stare at you with unabashed, naked contempt?  Ever wish your microwave were more cuddly and would actually respond when you dangle a toy mouse in front of it?  Then a Microcat is right for you.

Think about it.  No more inconvenient trips to the microwave to heat up a burrito when you just want to spend some quality time avoiding the scratches of your cat.  No more shedding or hairballs; just delicious, toasty treats served up faster than you can say, "Dear mother of Christ what did you do to Whiskers??!!"

Shamferret


Ferrets are filthy creatures.  They smell, chew up furniture and newspapers, and knock over drinks that you've prepared to help ease the pain of a job that leaves you staring into the vacuousness of your dissatisfied soul once five o'clock comes and you trudge back home.  At that point, surrounded by spills and disappointment, you probably wish your ferret was at least more absorbant, right?

Well you're in luck, now that you can pick up a Shamferret*.  Picture the adorable little rat-face of a ferret combined with the jaw-dropping absorbency of ShamWow**!  Never again will you be left struggling to sop up your spills because you just ran out of the last of the paper towels, torn between the equally pathetic choices of digging into the pile of dirty laundry or leaving the spill to dry and form a hard shell on your floor.  Just scoop up the Shamferret, be amazed at how quickly and thoroughly that spill soaks up, and go back to medicating yourself with alcohol.  And don't mistake its squeals as a sign of protest; that's how you know it's working. 

*This product has not yet been approved by the FDA and is under vehement protest by PETA, the ASCPA, the Catholic Church, and pretty much everybody else who cares about animals and still hates Michael Vick.
**Product not actually associated with ShamWow in any legally binding form whatsoever.  Please don't sue me, ShamWow Guy.  Or beat the hell out of me like you did that hooker.

December 9, 2010

Where There's Smoke, There's a Traumatic Childhood Memory

They don't call them "Hot Wheels" for nothing.

My first brush with arson happened when I was 6 years old.  I was reminded of this story recently because I told it at my cousin Rick's wedding during my best man's speech, and figured it'd make for an entertaining post.

When Cousin Rick and I were kids, we had the standard fascination with certain brands of toys that lots of other kids our age had, because TV told us we were supposed to like them, and TV was never wrong.  We begged and pleaded and held our breaths for frightening amounts of time in order to have our parents buy us all of the must-haves, and between us, by the time we reached age 6, we had an impressive collection of Thundercats and GI Joes and Ninja Turtles and Transformers and so on.  But the true crown jewels of our little Tree-Fort Knox were the Hot Wheels.

For those of you who don't recall or were poor and thus had toys that consisted of discarded soda cans and sticks tied together with your mom's bad hair extensions, Hot Wheels were a popular brand of toy cars that launched in the late 60s but really took off in the toy market in the 80s.  They were constructed of rotating plastic wheels and sturdy metal bodies that really brought out a nice bruise when you'd whip them at your buddies.

There wasn't really much that you could do with them, per se.  I guess they were supposed to be collectibles, if you wanted to start early on the path to being that guy who never took his toys out of their original packaging and lovingly gazes at them in his basement while smelling faintly of cheese and failure.

You could cajole your parents into buying you an elaborate and hard-to-assemble stunt track, where the aim (according to the commercials, at least) was to send your cars careening around a bunch of bank turns and loops while your multiethnic friends high-fived each other in the background and yelled things like "Totally awesome!" and "Radical!"  But the tracks never worked; either the pieces wouldn't fit together properly and leave gaps that would trip up the cars or the cars wouldn't have enough momentum to get all the way around the loops and would fall to the ground, along with a little bit of your faith in TV consumer marketing.

Mostly, though, Cousin Rick and I just vroomed them around our bedrooms or crashed them into each other or sent them hurtling off bookcase cliffs to their doom on the carpet below.


Amongst our shared collection of dented Chevys and three-wheeled Porsches, there was one in particular that Cousin Rick brought to the table that I loved.  It was a bright orange monster truck with giant rubber wheels, adorned with red and yellow flames.  It was like God's Hot Wheels truck.


Sadly, Cousin Rick always made it clear that the truck was his and his alone.  If I ever tried to take it on an imaginary journey off a ramp and over the daunting walls of Castle Greyskull, he would freak out and snatch it from my overjoyed fingers.  Nevertheless, I was a persistent child (some say "stubborn," whatever that means), and would constantly try to sneak it away while he wasn't looking.  On that particular day, I made my move.



Cousin Rick was not as philanthropic as I might have hoped.


He snatched the truck, along with my happiness, away from my pudgy digits, babbling on like Gollum doting on his Precious.  Reasoning that if he wasn't playing with it, then no one would play with it, Cousin Rick decided that the best course of action was to put the truck somewhere out of reach.  In this case, it was in a light fixture high up on the wall.


There he placed the truck and, satisfied, he plopped down next to me and we resumed our youthful reenactment of Cannonball Run.


Eventually, though, for some reason, the upper floor of the house begin to slowly fill up with smoke.


We heard a scrambling noise bounding up the stairs, and suddenly, my aunt Luann burst into the room, proclaiming that the house was indeed afire, and that we would be right to make haste and exit its soon-to-be-smoldering remains.


She scooped each of us under one arm with relative ease in one of those "distraught mother military presses a 2-ton truck off of her pinned child" moments, and, much like hard-nosed 1970s Miami Dolphins running back Larry Csonka, hauled us out of the house like two frightened, fleshy footballs.

Before we knew it, Rogers Street was jammed full of firetrucks and cop cars.  Neighbors poked their heads out of their front doors or came down to see what the ruckus was, rehearsing their "I seen the whole thing!" speeches for when the local news crews arrived.

Tense minutes passed.  I was terrified, certain that the Hot Wheels collection I had worked so hard to accumulate was melting into an unrecognizable pile of Chinese-produced metal and plastic with every second that went by.  Eventually, a fireman came out of the house and strode towards my aunt, holding something in his closed fist.


He stopped in front of us, said to my aunt, "I think I've found the problem," and opened his hand.  There, still kind of awesome despite the carnage that had befallen it, lay the charred remains of the orange monster truck.


The fireman walked away, wondering why he was spending his time fishing toys out of light fixtures and why his life wasn't more like the years-away-from-being-released firefighting opus Backdraft.

Left alone, swathed in the embarrassment of having her home look like the end scene of an action movie, Aunt Luann glared accusingly at Cousin Rick.


Who, in turn, placed the blame squarely on my shoulders.


I never ratted Cousin Rick out, because even then I knew, snitches get stitches.  For years I carried the secret with me, only choosing to air it out to the world in my best man's speech.  It wasn't exactly like revealing Nixon to be a crook, but it was good to get the story out nonetheless.

Looking back, though, I like to think that the kickass monster truck ascended to Heaven, where God runs it through His holy Hot Wheels stunt track, where the loops are totally sweet and our beloved truck never falls off.  Ever.

November 8, 2010

What Happened After the Scene Ended: Cast Away

This is the second in a recurring series where I fill you, my wonderful and insatiable readers, in on what happened just after the end of certain scenes in popular motion pictures.  I know these things because... well, because I made them up.  Just play the embedded video and then scroll on to see what happened next.

(Previous WHATSE Entry: Braveheart)

This Week's WHATSE Feature:  Cast Away











November 4, 2010

Not Reel-y That Cool: Leaping Away from an Explosion

This is the first in yet another recurring series, kiddies.  This time, we're taking a look at things that seem oh-so-cool in the movies, but upon reflection, would actually suck in real life.

This Week's NRTC Feature: Leaping Away from an Explosion


Stallone did it.  Van Damme, too.  Willis had a couple really good ones, especially in Die Hard.  Statham has become a modern savant at it.  The Millennium Falcon did an iconic spaceship version of it.  Arnold practically built his fortune around it.

But as awesome as it would seem to try this out for yourself and hurl through the air (preferably in slow-motion) just out of the reach of an expanding ball of fire and doom, in real life it would not be nearly as cool.  Allow me to list a few reasons why...

1. You would probably die.


That's the tricky thing about explosions.  They're deadly.  Rarely does someone plant a bomb inside an enemy's car with the aim of watching it explode and then running out to yell, "You got SERVED!", and then laughing about the whole thing together afterward and going to Denny's or Pottery Barn or something.

No.  Explosions = huge eruptions of flame and pointy things = death. 

2. If you did manage to evade death, you'd probably have a lot of shrapnel embedded in or around the area of your ass.


Remember in Forrest Gump when he's carrying one of his wounded buddies out of the jungle in Vietnam and gets shot in the butt-ocks and yells out, "Somethin' BIT me!"  Well, unless the explosion you're leaping away from happens spontaneously in a completely open and debris-free area, you're going to have some uber-hot shrapnel targeting the softer parts of your hide.  So unless you're doing battle with a wizard or something, the explosion will have originated within some sort of container whose outer parts will soon be making their way toward you, and quickly.

The problem, therefore, with pulling an Arnold on one of these fiery blasts is that it's akin to trying to outrun a bullet.  You may well have been a champion long jumper in high school, but you don't have the luxury of an additional explosive force pushing you along.  Unless you're on steroids.  Or are Usain Bolt.  It's simple physics, friends.

3. Fire is really hot.


Have you ever burned your hand on an iron or coffee pot, even just for an instant, and had to endure that lingering pain for the next day or so, where anything even remotely warm makes you relive the burn all over again, like Rambo with his crazy 'Nam flashbacks in First Blood?  Image that, but 100 times worse, and all over your body.  If you survived, you'd be taking cold showers for a month.

4. Unless you're super buff, you could wind up very embarrassed.


So let's say you actually do have an action movie hero moment and survive your close encounter with the explode-y kind, and it was one of those awesome ones where the fireball actually wraps around you JUST as you leap into the area of safety (a la the Millennium Falcon example mentioned above).  Even if you do come out relatively unscathed, health-wise, there's a very good chance your wardrobe won't be so lucky.

Unless you're the Hulk, your clothes don't remain unharmed if you go through something like that.  And if you're not in the best shape ever, it could be extremely embarrassing when the news crews arrive and broadcast you in all of your doughy, pixelated glory. And honestly, you're never really prepared for such a thing.  Because when you're hurtling through the air in an effort to avoid a flame-soaked demise, you're probably not thinking things like, "Did I make sure to wear clean underwear today?" or "Man, I really shouldn't have let my gym membership expire."

5. Also, if you jumped prematurely, you could wind up very embarrassed. 







6. You would probably die.

I've listed this reason already, yes, but I feel it's extremely important, so I'm going to say it again.  You would probably not survive a 40-yard dash against an explosion.  Explosions are not nice creatures.  They're like bears crossed with barracudas, only on fire and really angry about how bad Spiderman 3 turned out.

So.  Leaping away from an explosion.  Reel-y cool in the movies, but definitely a source of pain, embarrassment, and misery in real life.

November 1, 2010

Let's Get It (Pige)On

When the pigeons start turning on you, it's a sign that things are taking a turn for the worse.

This past January, Girlfriend (pre-move to NYC) was in town for the first time for a visit over New Year's.  I threw a great party at my old apartment, and in the following days, I took her around the city and showed her the usual awesome New-York-in-winter sights like the big tree at Rockefeller Center and Central Park covered in snow and the like.

One afternoon, we took a walk to one of my favorite wintertime places, Bryant Park, where they have shops, a bar/restaurant, and an ice rink set up for the pleasure of everyone who likes to get drunk and fall down on ice and break a tibia or two.  It's actually a really cool sight, as evidenced by the pictures below.



Despite the frigid temperatures, Girlfriend and I grabbed lunch from a nearby cafe and sat down to eat and bask in the warm glow of our endearing love for each other.  Quick tip, if you ever want a constantly entertaining dining experience, sit down for a meal in close proximity to an ice rink.  There's really no such thing as seeing "too many" fat people fall down.


It was shaping up to be a great day.  The sun was shining, fat people were falling, I was with my lady, and all was right in the world.  Just us and our food.  And, of course, the pigeons...

Before I go on with my riveting story, a few words about New York's pigeons.


Generally, I have zero problem with them.  They've adapted to NYC life very well, I think.  They do their thing, we do ours, and aside from the occasional, "Hey, I'm gonna poop on your shoulder, guy," incident, there are no issues.  At least they're not seagulls.  Good god, how I hate seagulls.  I'd gladly eat around dozens of pigeons over one seagull any day of the week.  Too often have I been on a beach with my family down in Florida, holding some delicious food item in one hand and chatting with someone on the other hand's side, and some asshole seagull decides that it's earned the right to flap down and steal my delicious treat right out of my fingers.  No one freeloads on a grander scale.  The Tea Partiers should stop focusing on getting Mexicans out of America and start pushing to remove all of the seagulls.  Then those worthless idiots might get my vote.  But I digress.

Back to Bryant Park.  A couple of the pigeons around us were obviously a bit spoiled by the riches of crumbs raining down upon their area like so much manna from heaven.  They would scamper to and fro between our table and a few others, expecting what they'd come to believe to be rightfully theirs.  I felt like the old shopkeep in some 50s movie about a biker gang, just waiting for the hoodlum pigeons to come in and start rabble rousin' or slackin' or whatever the hell old shopkeeps were afraid of kids doing in those days.

I paid them little attention, though, because like I said, pigeons normally know their boundaries when it comes to being around people, and just hang in the shadows until the coast is clear and they're free to flash-gobble up every edible bit of food left on the ground like a swarm of waddling piranha.  And for the most part, these pigeons kept up their end of the bargain and didn't really come too close.

Except for one fat little bastard.


For whatever reason, this one particular pigeon felt like he had dibs on a significant portion of our food.  This pigeon clearly had Socialist ideals.  One second we're sitting there, enjoying our meal, and the next, he's flapping his way over to our table and trying to land on Girlfriend's chair.

Girlfriend was not pleased.  She freaked out a little bit. It was a lot like what happens when confronted with her true arch-nemesis, the spider.  The only thing I could think of being worse at that moment was if somehow the pigeons and the spiders started cross-breeding and produced some kind of mutant Spiderpigeon:


Which is, of course, not to be confused with Spider-pigeon:


Since our fat little friend didn't seem to have a solid grasp on the rules, I shooed him away and we carried on.  But he wasn't through yet.  I had a bad feeling about him, and kept seeing him pop up at the fringes of the group of tables.  Watching.  Studying.  It was like that scene in Jurassic Park when the surly Australian hunter guy realizes that he's being skillfully tracked by the group of raptors just before they attack him and bite him on and around the face.  Except pigeons don't attack.

Usually.

After a while, I'd forgotten about the pigeon and gone back to focusing on my delectable sandwich.


But soon, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him.


A stare-off ensued.









And then, it attacked.


My first instinct was to hide behind Girlfriend and protect the few precious remaining strands of hair I had left on my head.  But partly out of a sense of duty to keep my love safe from any dastardly threat, and partly out of a desire to not look like a 5-year-old girl, I steeled myself for what I knew I had to do, put down my sandwich, and made my decision.

I struck back.


I literally punched a pigeon in the mouth.


Maybe the bird wasn't used to someone standing up to its bullying tactics, but it was stunned.


My karate chop had landed a devastating blow, and the pigeon, knowing it could never survive such a powerful shot to the face again, tucked tail and waddled away.

Girlfriend and I went back to our food.  I tried to think of an awesome, Schwarzenegger-esque line to cap the action, but alas, none came to me.  (In hindsight, I should've gone with, "You made a beak mistake," or, "That was egg-cellent.")  Still, I did my duty, and proved to Girlfriend that she can always feel safe in the presence of birds, as long as I'm around.

Did the experience change me?  Maybe.  Much like those surfers who get attacked by sharks out on the open water, I eventually went back out there, but I always keep my guard up.  I know I shouldn't unfairly stereotype an entire race because of the actions of one rogue terrorist, but I no longer have such a carefree, mutually respectful relationship with the pigeons of New York City.  The world is an unfair place sometimes.

These days, I'll still toss the occasional bit of hot dog bun on the ground to feed a pigeon in need, but knowing that one could strike at any time has left me a little colder, a little less trusting of my winged brethren.  I may never see him again, but if that pigeon ever shows his beak around me or my loved ones again, I'll face him once more.

And this time, it's bird-sonal.