January 14, 2014

Trivia Blog: Not-So-Golden Globes

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

I love the Golden Globes, even though I shouldn’t. There’s something about the whole “let’s get shitfaced and either overblow the awards we’re receiving or completely mock them because we’re rich and aren’t the normies who watch this shit ridiculous?” vibe that’s equal parts alluring and insulting. Despite the bacchanalian atmosphere and the general sense that everyone’s going to wind up making poor decisions in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub afterwards, however, it’s still an oddly Puritan affair. Or at least the telecast is. Hence the technical nightmare that resulted when a (really funny) joke by Tina Fey almost broke the Golden Globes when the producers scrambled to cover it up:


Come on, Golden Globes… Because while it’s okay for the telecast to showcase a movie where a man blows coke into a hooker’s nether regions (and then give him an award for it!) or a TV show where a drug dealer murders people with a trunk gun (spoilers!), having a woman use an anatomical term to describe a body part frequented by the aforementioned award-winning coke-blower is just over the line. (Also it was a funny-as-shit joke that deserved the laugh. Marty Scorcese liked it.) But I digress.

What’s sad is that there were even more controversial moments that were completely cut from the Golden Globes broadcast. Luckily, I know a guy in the industry (yes, it’s Marty), and he was able to get me a full screener, so that I could share all the cut-from-the-telecast moments that you all missed:
  • While walking onstage to present the award for Best Sound Editing in a Comedy, Musical, or Biopic About the Recently Deceased, Penelope Cruz tripped over her dress and fell head over spiky heels, one of which shot into the crowd and lodged itself into Dame Judi Dench’s left eye. Producers decided to cut out the whole thing, mainly because it was a stupid category anyways. The eyepatch worn by Dame Judi for the remainder of the telecast went unexplained to the public.
  • A behind-the-scenes shot of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck chatting was hastily cut short when it was revealed that Jacqueline Bisset was still delivering her acceptance speech to a wall in the background.
  • Cameras quickly cut away after a boozed-up Meryl Streep had a stroke while trying to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name.
  • After winning the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama, Matthew McConaughey ripped off a portion of Paula Patton’s dress and rolled up a sweet doob right there on stage.
  • In a display intended to impress Sofia Vergara, Jon Voight and Martin Scorcese stripped to the waist, covered themselves in olive oil from their tables, and competed in a vicious Greco-Roman style wrestling match. Voight lost the tip of his left pinky in the fight, which somehow went on longer than the running time of The Wolf of Wall Street.
  • An awkward moment was cut out when Leonardo DiCaprio leapt onstage to accept an award that was intended for the Showtime series Masters of Sex. DiCaprio apologized, handed the award to the show’s creators, and then had sex with Lizzy Caplan behind the assembled cast.
  • Several camera pans to icy couple Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow went unaired, as it was later revealed that even cameras can’t stand to look at their stupid, stupid faces.
  • In a form of silent protest of the TV segment’s placement at the back of the room, James Spader hung his testicles out of his tuxedo pants while being shown for his nomination for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Inspired, Julianna Margulies did the same thing 10 minutes later.

January 7, 2014

Trivia Blog: Grumpy Cold Men

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Fun fact: This morning whilst walking to the gym, it was so cold out that the breath from my nose froze the mustache of my beard solid, and I had to use hot water to unfreeze it. Apart from eating soup, this is maybe the most dangerous aspect of being a bearded man.

It’s cold out there. We all know it. By now you’re tired of hearing everyone talk about it. So instead of hunkering down and letting the cold know that you fear it (which is what it wants anyways, the prick), why not instead come out and warm yourself by the glow of your favorite Quizmaster’s spicy-hot trivia questions? It’s not THAT bad out. According to what weather.com is telling me, right now it’s a balmy 12 degrees outside, and can only get warmer as the day goes on. That’s how it works, right?

What I can tell you is that we’re clear of the more dangerous ranges of the temperature scale, when all kinds of weird stuff starts happening:

10 Degrees - You develop an unstoppable urge to post pictures on Facebook that clearly showcase how cold it is. Everyone else secretly hates you for doing so, but then does the same thing 10 minutes later.

5 Degrees - When you throw a pot of boiling water outside, it results in a cloud of steam as the water instantly freezes. Much better than when you normally throw a pot of boiling water, which results in horrific injuries to your roommate and a totally ruined Spaghetti Night.

0 Degrees - You can’t remember whether 0 degrees is where water freezes in Celsius or Fahrenheit. You try to Google it, but then you can’t remember how to spell either Celsius or Fahrenheit. After a minute of quiet inner debate, you skip the whole thing to watch funny cat videos.

-1 Degree - Trying to strike up a conversation with an attractive lady/fella at a bar, you open with, “Man, I can’t believe it’s negative-one degrees outside.” You then realize that you said “negative-one degrees” instead of “negative-one degree,” and curse yourself for coming off like an asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of plurality. You struggle for 5 minutes to come up with something interesting to follow up with before realizing that the lady/fella has just left with someone much more interesting and better-looking than you. You weep into your Appletini.

-5 Degrees - You become convinced that Back to the Future Part III is superior to Back to the Future Part II, which of course is just silly.

-10 Degrees - Feeling empathy for your fellow cold human beings, you donate a coat to the needy.

-11 Degrees - You immediately regret donating a coat to the needy after realizing that you’d stashed the last of your weed in the inner pocket.

-20 Degrees - You wonder how Eskimos can possibly stand to live in such conditions year round, and become sad. Then you remember that you don’t care about Eskimos, and warm up a Hot Pocket.

-25 Degrees - Life becomes meaningless as the cold numbs your fingers to the point where your iPhone won’t register your commands. You are found dead three days later next to a scrawled note in the dust of your apartment floor that reads, “ALL I WANTED WAS TO ORDER FROM SEAMLESS. PLEASE FINISH CANDY CRUSH FOR ME.”

December 10, 2013

Trivia Blog: A Quiet Winter's Porn

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “crack addiction”…

So somehow, amidst the onslaught of last week’s news about shoppers killing each other on Black Friday rather than just buying the same stuff cheaper online, I missed what’s either the most disgusting or inevitable news item ever: There is now a porn parody of the crack-fueled shenanigans of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, portrayed by Juilliard-trained actor Peter O’Tool. (Get it? Because a dick joke.)

We all love a good porn parody. What would the world of cinema be without classics like Rebel Without a Condom or Raiders of the Lost Arse? I’m sure we’ve all gathered ’round the TV and shared in family favorites like Forrest Hump or Honey, I Blew Everybody? And I know you all have a copy of The Da Vinci Load on Blu-ray.

But what this really got me thinking about was the holidays. There is (probably) a serious dearth of Christmas movie-inspired porn parodies out there, and if other holidays can get in on the action with a title like Thanks-Giving Head, why not Christmas? Here, then, for all you aspiring porn directors out there (and please don’t take this as an opportunity to introduce yourself to me as one), are my top 10 ideas for yuletide-themed porn parodies:

10. The Christ-That’s-a-Big-Ass Story
9. Splooged
8. Jingle (My Balls) All the Way
7. Fisty the Ho-man
6. A Charlie Browneye Christmas
5. White Christmas (No Change Needed)
4. Jackoff Frost
3. Lube, Actually
2. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, and I Totally Banged This Hot Chick
1. Tits a Wonderful Life

December 3, 2013

Trivia Blog: Drone Home

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Just wait ’til Obama makes Amazon a government agency…

So there’s a lot that we could talk about with all the craziness that happened over the long Thanksgiving break, but I don’t want to give you people any more fuel for what I’m sure will be a whole slew of not-at-all-harsh team names about Paul Walker, the metro train crash, and everything else. So, instead, let’s talk about drones.

By now, everyone’s heard about Amazon’s plan to launch Prime Air sometime in the next few years, which would see must-have items like bulk boxes of condoms and used copies of The Da Vinci Code dropped on your doorstep by a high-tech drone known as an Octocopter; sort of a “mediocre Tom Cruise sci-fi movie meets the stork” situation. In theory, it’s awesome. This is using technology on a Jetsons-like level, replacing what up until now had been a just-fine system of delivery with a way-too-high-tech alternative. As long as it somehow leads science to progress to the point where I finally get my hoverboard that I was promised in Back to the Future II, I’m all for it.

The problem, though, is that this venture is doomed. We still haven’t quite figured out how to perfect vending machine technology in America, but we’re going to have a sophisticated, coordinated system of delivery drones work out A-OK? Screw-ups will abound, and it will turn into a PR nightmare for Amazon. But why wait to see how it all unfolds? Allow me to use my mystical powers of foresight to detail for you all just how the Prime Air program will go the route of Crystal Pepsi and the Virtual Boy:


Day 1 - Prime Air’s first customer is Denver native Richard Storch. He orders a self-help book in hopes of picking himself up following the death of his wife, Cheryl, who’d perished a month prior in an unfortunate washing machine explosion. There is a mixup at the shipping facility, however, and instead of finding his copy of Stop Crying and Start Riding Jet Skis, he accidentally receives a 500-pack of Bounce dryer sheets. The painful memories stirred up by this erroneous package drive him to leap off of the face of a nearby mountain in an attempt to take his own life. On the way down, he crashes into a drone carrying season three of Family Ties on Blu-ray intended for delivery to the home of Susan Lee of Casper, Wyoming. The failed arrival of her package does not drive her to a similar end, although she is super bummed by her inability to find out what happens next to Alex P. Keaton and family.

Day 9 - An Amazon drone flying too low over the Meadowlands strikes an errant ball thrown by embattled New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith, causing what would have been his 6th interception of the game to instead turn into a 72-yard touchdown pass as time expires. The Jets still lose to Miami 56-7, but the touchdown changes the mind of new Jets head coach Mark Sanchez, who was planning on benching Smith for good after just one more interception. The decision leads to the Jets’ fifth losing season in as many years, as Smith resorts to throwing the ball skyward whenever pressured in hopes of striking yet another drone for a ricochet touchdown.

Day 13 - Amazon cancels all Prime Air service in three southern states after losing hundreds of drones to drunken rednecks with guns, as drunken rednecks with guns are wont to do.

Day 26 - An Amazon drone, after dropping off a 10-pack of Hanes Tagless Boxer Briefs at the McMillan home in Chillicothe, Ohio, picks up the McMillan family cat, Buttons, and carries it away. Buttons is never seen again. Internet theorists speculate that the drones now have a taste for blood.

Day 37 - In a misguided attempt at improving its image, Amazon works out a deal with AMC’s The Walking Dead in which a drone wearing a sheriff’s hat replaces Carl.

Day 38 - Embarrassingly for Amazon, fans of The Walking Dead wholeheartedly reject the drone, claiming they’d rather watch that dead-eyed little actor every week instead of the drone.

Day 47 - President Chris Christie is embarrassed to discover that an Amazon drone had lodged itself in his layers of back fat sometime during the day’s events. Amazon’s stock rises upon release of the news.

Day 63 - After a relatively scandal-free period, Amazon is disgusted to learn that one of its drones has been seen canoodling with Miley Cyrus. The drone is retrieved and melted down. Everyone at Amazon agrees to never again speak of the incident.

Day 68 - A drone somehow becomes sentient, kills a man in Arizona, and attempts to withdraw all of his savings at a local bank. The drone is arrested soon after, when bank tellers realize that it’s just a drone wearing a fake mustache.

Day 75 - Convinced that the program is a failure, Amazon shuts down Prime Air.

Day 76 - Amazon advertises Remote Control Air Dro, I Mean, Helicopters, marked down 45%, as their Gold Box Deal of the Day.

November 19, 2013

Trivia Blog: Zombie Facts of Life

These Trivia Blog posts come from the emails I send out as Quizmaster of the Gael Pub Trivia Night every Tuesday.  But seeing as how they comprise most of the writing I seem to do these days, I thought it fitting to include them on the Pale Writer blog as well.  I won't include things like info about categories or drink specials, but will keep the bulk of the rest.  Hopefully you enjoy, so much so that you come out some Tuesday at 8:30 (3rd Ave. b/t 82nd and 83rd)...

Let’s talk about zombies.

More specifically, let’s talk about all the things you don’t know about zombies. You may think that because you’ve seen a few episodes of The Walking Dead or know how to do the “Thriller” dance step-for-step that you know your zombies. Compared to me, however, you might as well be the woman in this clip from Family Feud (the reason for this not-at-all-thrown-together-at-the-last-minute email):


For those of you unable to or too lazy to watch the clip, when asked by fashionable suit-wearer Steve Harvey to name something about zombies, she says simply, “They’re black.”

I don’t even know if that’s racist. I want to think it is, and it feels like it should be, but I think it’s just incredibly stupid. It somehow hopped on a rocket of stupidity and shot right past racist on its way to the magical land of Whatthefuck? But I’m thankful for stupid, sweet, stupid Christie, because it lets me share with you just some of the little-known facts about zombies that I’ve got swimming around in my head. You’re welcome:

  • Zombies love the solo music of David Lee Roth.
  • But zombies hate Van Halen.
  • If you shoot a zombie in the head, it dies, sure, but if you shoot it in the liver, it does the horsey dance from “Gangnam Style.”
  • If you’re out of bullets, calling a zombie fat will cause it to shuffle away and cry while writing in its diary.
  • Somewhat controversially, zombies prefer Step Up 2: The Streets to the original Step Up.
  • Zombies are excellent origami craftsmen.
  • Zombies hate cilantro.
  • If you pull a piece off of a zombie, bury it, and water it, in a month it will not grow into a zombie tree, because that’s ridiculous.
  • Zombies could totally run fast if they wanted to, they’re just not going to. Dick.
  • Even zombies think Justin Bieber is giant douche nozzle.
  • Zombies are worried that George R.R. Martin’s going to die before he finishes the Game of Thrones books.
  • Zombies twerk.